Here it is, the final episode of Step By Step! Sort of. Well, it was the last one produced. Think of it, this was the last time those actors would ever step on those floorboards. Well, except for Mark or Lilly, their final show was 8 weeks earlier. Like I said, this isn’t the intended final episode, so let’s not get too sappy. On to the write-up!  INT. STEP BY STEP KITCHEN. JT and Rich are doing whatever the fuck when Frank enters. Frank mentions that he has an extra ticket to the Bucs/Bulls game. Frank fucks with JT. You know, pretending like he doesn’t hear JT begging to go, while listing people he could take out loud to himself. He even name-check’s Moose, the hairy biker dude who taught JT & Rich stripper moves not long ago and turned into a bowling pin a little less not long ago. The writers have created a rich fictional universe for these characters and it’s going to be hard to say goodbye. JT and Frank go to the game, leaving Rich in the dust. Fuck you Rich! I’m not even saying that to be funny. I really mean this.
INT. STEP BY STEP LIVING ROOM. Dana, now with straightened hair stands next to an easel. There’s a boatload of ladies in the room! Turns out they’re all there for a Women’s safety seminar. Dana starts her presentation with her easel and before you can say Demitri Martin (It would be more correct of me to say “Zach Galifianakis” but you can do almost ANYTHING during the time it takes to say his name so my point is lost) Dana starts getting all feminist, ranting and raving about how society is oppressive towards women and going nuts and... Oh you know how Dana is. Al and Karen enter, about to go out the door. Dana scolds them for not hanging out for the seminar. There’s even going to be a real police officer there to lecture the girls on how to stay safe! Lucky timing, he shows up just as Al and Karen are about to go out and, you’re not going to fucking believe this – The police officer is a total babe! (guys can be called babes too, sheesh society you are all a bunch of chauvinist pigs) Al and Karen decide to stay because they are BOOOOY CRAZY!!!!
INT. STEP BY STEP STADIUM. JT and Frank are having a great time at the Basketball game, when suddenly a dude with a big dumb foam hat sits down in front of JT, blocking his view of the real-life black dudes. JT asks like a little baby if his dad can switch seats (hey JT why ask him for some sack so you can tell the guy in front of you to stop being a rude sinker and take off his hat). Frank, being a nice guy, agrees. Then... you read the TiVo description, right? After sitting in the seat for 10 seconds JT wins a truck. Because he’s in that seat.
INT. STEP BY STEP LIVING ROOM. Karen and Al continue to drool over the police officer. He asks for a volunteer for a safety demonstration of some sort. Karen gets turned down because she’d been the volunteer for the last 6 demonstrations. I guess she misunderstood that NWA song and is determined to Fuck Da Police. “You’re benched, hit the showers.” Al quips. Please oh please have Karen hit the showers and show it! I’d like it. I like naked ladies. I like them very much. Al gets chosen this time out. The officer puts her in a headlock and instructs her to stomp his foot. “Maybe later” she says all dazed and flirty. Whatever, bottom line is this is a stellar opportunity to admire Al’s hot rack. As the group goes to convene in the kitchen for a snack break, Al and Karen stay behind to argue over who gets the cop. “He’s mine!” Karen claims. “Not so fast, Flo-Jo!” Al quips. Flo-Jo! Oh man, why is that name so familiar? I mean, I’d like to think none of the references on STEP BY STEP are out of my reach, so it’s troubling when one doesn’t land 100% for me. I only had vague memories of Flo-Jo and seemed to remember her name being around in 1998 (the year this episode aired) for some reason. Well, I was sort of right. She was an Olympic athlete in 1988 who broke some running fast record. Well, I coulda figured out that on my own from the reference. But why do I remember her name being spoken in the 90s? Well, turns out Flo-Jo died in 1998. I thought maybe Step by Step was making a tasteless reference to a newly dead celebrity. But I checked the chronology. It’s even worse than that: She died AFTER being mentioned. Why is that worse? Clearly, she died of embarrassment. Step by Step killed Flo-Jo! That, or suffocation caused by an epileptic attack. But who are you gonna believe? Me, or Wikipedia?  Al and Karen walk through the kitchen door in tandem and sort-of catfight, while I sort-of get a boner.
INT. STEP BY STEP KITCHEN. It’s a new day in the Step by Step house. Rich enters and immediately assumes the “cute little butt” jutting out of the oven is Dana’s. So he grabs him a piece, and surprise, it’s Carol! Come on Rich, I know Dana has every reason to have her head in an oven being your girlfriend and all, but the cleaning supplies and the scrubbing should’ve tipped you off that it ain’t her.
JT and Frank enter, hollerin’ at each other like it’s a goddamn rodeo. Turns out JT sort-of winning that truck has become a real source of conflict between him and Frank! Rich, that little wise acre of land, decides to try and resolve the conflict by suggesting HE take the truck, and reaching for the big fake novelty key (Rich you do know that a big fake key not only isn’t a legally binding contract of ownership, but it also is not the actual key to the truck, right?). JT and Frank growl at him like a couple of dogs. “You can’t put your hands on anything in this house!” Rich quips, only to turn around and be confronted with Carol’s tits. “I gotta go!” Rich exclaims as he runs to the apartment to go spend some time with the one thing he CAN put his hands on in this house.
EXT. STEP BY STEP BACKYARD. JT is signing the papers for his truck as Frank peddles in on a little girl bike, hoping to stop JT. Frank’s truck is busted, see. So he had to use a kid’s dumb bike to go be an adult with. Okay Step by Step. I won’t question you on this one. Maybe frank really doesn’t have a big-boy bike of his own. FINE, I’ll buy it. Just this once. A girly bike is literally the only thing Frank could use to get around. You’re wearing me down, Step by Step. “She’s totally one kick butt truck!” JT says. Frank was too late, so the truck is now JT’s. And... as it stands, I’m an hour into writing this thing. And this is usually the point where I start giving up on the write up and try to breeze past the rest of the episode. This episode is no different. Frank and JT fight, Frank tries to scare JT by informing him he’ll have to pay 4500 bucks in taxes, Carol takes the keys away from the both of them and vows to resolve this for them.
INT. HOLY COW, A SECOND SET OUTSIDE THE HOUSE? THEY MUST’VE SCRIMPED AND SAVED ALL SEASON SO THEY COULD GO ALL-OUT IN THE FINAL EPISODE. Frank and JT show up at the Arbiter’s office that Carol lined up. Yes, they brought the legal system into this. There are silly law antics. See, the thing here is JT and Frank are inexperienced with speaking in court-room and court-room-related situations, so they goof it up in front of the intimidating and sassy authority figure. They realize that this truck is tearing them apart, so they decide to sell it and split the cash down the middle. Frank can get his truck fixed and JT can buy a car. Jesus Christ, was that so hard? It’s the same solution I was shouting at my screen the entire time this episode played. Even when JT & Frank weren’t on screen I was yelling it. Even during the commercials. I’m actually yelling it now. How do I stop this?
The End: The girls make bogus 911 calls to get the cop of their dreams to show up. Al says “you can Call Me Al.” I turn to my imaginary friend and make a Paul Simon joke and he laughs. Al and Bone-digger Karen rip off his sleeves after some weirdo awkward syndication edit, the cop whines “I WOULDN’T GO OUT WITH EITHER ONE OF YOU!” and runs away, intending to transfer to an area where ladies aren’t so crazy. Good luck dude heh heh. Lilly Watch: Lilly is not in this episode. Mark Watch: Mark is not in this episode.
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