Okay everyone, this is what Al’s shit acting career has been building to. It has to be, right? I already know the synopsis’s of the last two episodes, so this I know for a fact is the last episode to deal with Al and acting. Step by Step, don’t let us down!  Al enters the Kitchen to join Carol, Karen, JT, and Lilly who are all enjoying a wonderful family breakfast. This is actually one of the shortest cold opens I’ve ever seen. They simply set up the fact that Al is auditioning for a play, JT makes fun of another actress’ lazy eye, Al and JT high five, the director yells cut, and Al goes to wash her hands. No time to vamp on this one, lets get to the action!
Cut back from commercial. After a breezy cold open, I’m expecting a strong, meaty, single-story focused episode of Step by Step. Here we go. Cut to inside the house and... wait, is that Dana and Rich? Well, Dana’s on the phone, maybe it has something to do with Al’s play... wait, no, it sounds like she’s begging for an internship from some judge. Okay, so we’re doing this the usual way, are we? Jumping around between plot A and plot B? You have no idea how exhausting that is from my perspective. Do you know how painful it is to try and come up with a different way to say “back to Frank and Carol” or “back to Rich and Dana” or “back to Sam and JT” or “back to Al and Karen” or “back to Mark and Lilly.” Okay that last one is a joke. But man, I would love for an episode of Step by Step to just be one thing, just once! Carol and Lilly enter. See, Lilly’s just taken some placement test and scored in the top one percentile of her class. Oh fuck you Step by Step. A C-plot? Right after you all but PROMISED one plot with the length of your cold opening? This is just great. Just for that, I’m going to be extra rude in this write-up. So Lilly comes in smelling like shit and Frank lets her eat some ice cream as a reward. Hey Lilly better make it a popsicle so you can practice for your dick-sucking career when you get older. Dana turns into a pile of shit and like most piles of shit starts bitching out about how she wants to mold Lilly’s mind. What an absolute cunt of a cow you are, Dana. Hey Rich, I know you’ve been mostly sitting there quietly but fuck you too, faggot.
At the playhouse Al sings for some closet case with a clipboard while Frank and my man Mark (just kidding Mark you aren’t my man you’re just an asshole and I hate you) talk about Frank’s construction job on the set. It ends with Mark running away like he just saw a ghost with soda-soaked tits because Frank makes a glib remark about power-drilling his brains after Mark pompously suggests Frank “get inside” his head. You brought this on yourself you shit-squeek (that is a combination of a shit and a pipsqueek). You are probably going to make a shit assistant director for this play.
Through more conversation we find out Karen’s doing make-up. Sheesh get this family outta there what’s next, let JT run the snack bar oh wait he’d eat it all up even the machines. So this shitty broad walks in from the rain just as the queeny bald gay director is about to give the part to Al. She gets in under the wire to audition and gives such an excruciatingly hammy performance that even the studio audience knows not to applaud. She gets the part from the director, I guess AIDS has really taken its toll with this guy so much so that his judgment has been impaired.
At the night of the Show, Al is in her get up playing a maid, which is a great opportunity to get her sexed up but it’s a pretty frumpy looking uniform. She also has to wear these big glasses that make her eyes just look ridiculous, you couldn’t do a thing with them try as you might. Valarie (the dumb broad that stole the show out from Al’s nose) pukes and guess what? Al was the understudy and now has to go out and be the lead. Al didn’t bother to learn any of her gay lines so she has to save the show when she doesn’t even know shit. Al is in her sexy new femme fatale costume doing a cram session on her lines with Frank while I dream about doing a cram session on (okay, you get it). Al asks Frank if he loves her. “Of course I love you!” Frank replies. “Then knock me out with your hammer!” I’d like to knock her out with MY (you get this too). Frank suggests they hide her lines through the set, “those two big stars on Dallas did it all the time” Frank you old faggot quit bragging about being on TV in the 60s or whenever Dallas was on you are an old faggot and old faggots don’t belong on TV, I hope you get blasted to the moon!!
The play is a disaster of course, Al fucks up all hear lines, people smack into each other, its just a terrible mess. But man, wouldn’t it be a fucking blast to be in that position? It makes me want to put on a play just so that I can intentionally not learn any of the lines and then cast myself in the lead and just fuck around. But knowing me I’m probably not clever enough to actually wing it, so it’d ironically be super-scripted fucking-around. It’s basically be like the Harlem Globetrotters but replace basketball with a play. Nobody steal this idea! I’m doing it, I promise!
In once incident Frank unknowingly winds up on stage via a rotating bookshelf/secret exit and he scratches his butt with the claw end of a hammer, taking a break by shoving the hammer end between his thighs to hold it and then returning to it. That sounds like maybe it’s a joke, but no really, it’s in the episode! I was shocked! Al comes out and apologizes all dramatically and everyone applauds and it’s a bunch of shit, the audience was enjoying you being a fuck-up so why not keep going? You had to ruin it with your dopey soliloquy. Also note: EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS PLAY IS A FUCK-UP. They just happen to know their lines is all. So in an odd way, you belong up there with them, and you belong in the lead role. YOU ARE QUEEN FUCK-UP! Why can't you accept this, Al? You coulda been queen fuck-up, but instead you were Queen Fuck-off, because that's what you did. The End: Aw man, now I feel bad for being rude. I guess those B & C plots were just a piddly little diversion. Dana teaches Lilly French, Carol yells at Dana, Dana moans about being a failure because she didn’t get the afore-mentioned scholarship... Man I was rough on you for no reason, Step by Step. I feel bad for cussing so much inside you.
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