Okay, this one requires a little back story. Any faithful viewer to Step by Step knows about Cody “the Codeman” Lambert. He’s a goofball with a heart of gold. He’s basically the white version of Kel Mitchell’s Good Burger character “Ed”. Except, you know, Cody came first, but I was afraid if I said a black dude ripped off a white guy that it’d make me racist, so if you’ll allow me to rewrite history just once I’d greatly appreciate it. I don’t wanna be a racist! The actor who played Cody left the show after some troubles at home. He hit his old lady, basically. His story is that she was abusive to their children so the only reason he hit her was because she hit the kids. The courts thought that sounded good enough, because he actually got custody of his kids. I didn’t know all that until recently. I just assumed the dude who played Cody was just a lady smasher. I guess making with the lady hits just the once makes it bad, but not SO bad since there’s a reason behind it. I guess. Oh god, how did I get myself into trying to spin a lady-beating positive? Let’s move on, PLEASE.
The whole Family (except Mark and Lilly, who needs them) convenes around the Dinner Table. Carol remarks that she loves dinner, since it gives the whole family a chance to sit around and talk about their days. Unfortunately for them, not much has gone on lately. JT’s wart has begun to scab over. Fantastic JT, now let us know when you pass that wart and find it in your stool. Frank attempts to lighten the mood by talking about his coworker Virgil and his case of the trots. “It seems nothing exciting ever happens around here.” They all say in unison. Just then the door busts open, and it’s CODY THE CODEMAN! Back for one last hurrah! He immediately throws his gunnysack on the counter and sits down to enjoy some of Carol’s meatloaf while the family buzzes with excitement. When we come back from the commercial, we get a little more insight to the Cody situation. Last they heard he was in the Himalayas. Cody explains he was on a quest for something. Frank: “Spiritual Enlightenment?” Yeah, he was looking for that too, but Cody explains he was primarily looking for the world’s “ultimate burger.” He found them both in one place, “this killer McDonalds in Tibet.” The refills are free, but the people are not. The monk at the drive thru gave him a new, more spiritual name: Steve (pronounced Steeeeeve). Cody was lovin’ it.
But Cody didn’t just stop by to update everyone on his excellent adventures and bogus journeys! No, he also brought gifts! Karen’s gift: magic mud from the rain forests of Brazil. It’s said that whoever rubs this “gunk” into their face will become a beautiful as an “Amazon queen.” It doesn’t pay off in the episode, so I’ll just assume it was a situation where Karen uses it, thinks its working, but then finds out it wasn’t magic mud at all, and the beauty was in her the whole time. JT’s gift: A ceremonial courting necklace. “Tribal dudes wear it while they scope out the tribal dudettes” Cody explains. It’s said the necklace will make you irresistible to the ladies. Cody adorns JT with the necklace while he explains this premise. JT thanks Cody, but informs him that he already found the woman for him: Sam. I guess off-camera break-up #4 didn’t take either. Cody warns JT to not take off the necklace because of the “Witch doctor general’s warning”: if you remove it before the next full moon, you may spontaneously combust. JT decides to keep it on for a while. It’d be a shame to get all those fish skeletons and stolen lunchmeats all over the walls, so I guess it’s for the best that he didn’t explode.  That brings us to Cody’s big give: For Frank and Carol he presents a cashier’s check for 50,000 dollars that he won betting on elephant races. You might notice this write-up is a little light on jokes so far. Well, it’s sorta hard to make fun of all this silly, absurd shit that all of the sudden is showing up on Step by Step. To be honest: this episode so far is one of the more tolerable episodes on a pure, unironic level. What am I, going soft?  So later we’re in the Living Room. Carol wants to be careful with the money, pay off bills and invest and whatnot. Frank wants to take her on a cruise (“Sexy vacation” as Carol off-handedly refers to it moments later). “They supply the ocean, we supply the motion” Okay here we go. It’s business as usual now on Step by Step. Cody, it was fun while it lasted but these creeps are going to continue to blow it for all of sitcom mankind and continue being gross laughing-stocks.
In the kitchen Rich and Dana spend some quality smooch time at the kissin’... I mean KITCHEN table! Enter Cody, closely followed by Mark, who – get this – gets APPLAUSE! Kon mentioned this earlier on in our pre-website discussions of Step by Step, and I had to see it to believe it. What could the explanation be for this? Well, he IS with Lilly, so maybe they’re cheering for her? Or, and this would be a fair assessment, he’s been on the show so infrequently that the studio audience thought he was also making a Cody-like return. Whatever the case may be, a bunch of weirdoes clapped for a four-eyed, grandma-haired dick-lick while he hugged a surf-talkin’ child-brained spousal-abuser. They should all throw a hyphenated-nickname shit-party and go fuck themselves. Cody mistakes Lilly for Mark’s girlfriend, haha. Mark gets Cody a clue and tells him it’s Lilly! Cody reminds Lilly who he is, and Lilly goes “I remember you! Dudsey welcome back!” and slaps Cody five. I hate it.  Meanwhile, Frank has bought a $4500 massage chair, like an idiot. Doesn’t he realize that you can drive to any Bed Bath and Beyond and enjoy a massage chair for free? Carol flips a bitch switch about it and... Wait, what did I just do? I can’t have this both ways, can I? Either Frank is an idiot or Carol is a bitch. I’m demanding too much by making fun of EVERYTHING. How bored of a human being am I if that’s what I do? You wanna know something? I have a personal theory, and I’d love to hear you chime in on this: Naggers are usually right. Almost every single occasion I’ve witnessed my Mom nag my dad about something, it’s always something she’s completely 100% right about. I could give examples, but it would be boring reading. In fact I actually did type out a bunch of examples and deleted them. Thank me later.
Now it’s time for the classic couples-who-are-at-odds-with-each-other-having-dueling-dreams sequence. In Carol’s, she dreams Frank has irresponsibly spent all of the money on fancy things and turned into a weird rich creep. And I guess Frank’s idea of rich is to do a vague black dude impression and wear a track suit. Shockingly though, they let Frank pompously enjoy a cigar without having him comically cough after dragging on it: A sitcom rule that communicates to the kiddies that smoking is bad and never enjoyable. But I guess this is a dream sequence and Frank is sort of a villain here, allowing Lilly to get repossessed with the rest of his luxury items. Frank takes it all in stride. What a nightmare!
In Frank’s nightmare, Carol has become so obsessed with saving money that she has relocated everyone into Cody’s van, selling the house and forcing Frank to work at both a toxic waste dump AND an asbestos plant. Frank is a little tardy on his 100 dollar loan he got from Carol to buy food for the kids, so Carol harvests Frank’s organs.
So here comes the end! Al, Mark, and Cody convene in the Kitchen. JT enters, leaving behind a mob of ladies all just begging for his weenie. Lets see how YOU like getting YOUR sausage stolen you little goomba creep. JT is desperate for relief. Sorry dude, “you’re gonna bag more babes than Old Bill Clinton.” Cody quips. (note: do not read this following sentence sarcastically. It’s meant to be completely sincere) Good one, Cody. Cody explains there is ONE loophole for getting the necklace off: Find a guy who’s a bigger turn off to the babes and pass the necklace from neck to neck. Cody laments that he can’t think of anybody that would fit the bill. Mark then pipes up: “uh, helloooo?” Thanks Mark. I’LL make fun of you if you don’t MIND. I thought that was MY (non-paying) job?
Mark gets the necklace, and then walks outside to the mob of ladies to go score some hot trim. They drag him off and his glasses and sweater vest come flyin’. Cody watches the off-camera gang-rape: “poor little dude never had a chance.” That’s right everybody: Mark is fucking dead. Bury him in the yard next to Brendon. He’s done! The next scene: Cody is distraught that his gift of money is causing Frank and Carol to fight and goes to shake his African “happy stick.” Frank and Carol are distraught that Cody thinks they are breaking up. They come to understanding. Carol mentions her father: He blew through every dime their family ever had. Well, that’s terrible. But what’s most awful about this is THATS IT. Carol’s pathos: I had a dad who was a bad spender. I want some fucking details! Way to blow it, sitcom writers. This coulda been a thing!  Frank and Carol dry hump on the magic-fingers chair while Cody watches with his happy stick in his hand. The end!
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