First off, in case the owners of the rights to You Wish are looking to make a theatrical movie and were discouraged to see Jixby Phillips turn down the job of scripting it, I want you to know that I WILL write a You Wish movie, so long as you can get me a date with the girl who played the daughter on the show (I will settle for a DVD of the Malcolm in the Middle episode she was in). Furthermore, I will write a movie of absolutely any TGIF show, even Aliens in the Family, though I must warn you the screenplay of that will just be 90 pages of drawings of middle fingers.
But let’s get back to Step by Step here. In this episode, Rich runs in to his apartment to inform JT of some important news: It’s FEBRUARY, and they promised Dana and Sam a weekend ski trip in February. Wait a minute, JT’s still with Sam? So what was the thing about being broken up from the beginning of the aerobics episode? ABC Family is messing with Step by Step’s continuity? Is nothing sacred to you, ABC Family? So, yeah, JT and Rich promised a ski trip to Sam and Dana and forgot all about it until the last minute, so they have no money saved up for vacationin’. Maybe Sam and Dana forgot all about the trip too, they say. But of course, they didn’t!!! They burst into the apartment with all the ski stuff they bought on sale at the mall!!!! If there is one thing about women it’s that they never forget a ski trip and if there is two things about women it’s that they never forget a ski trip and they love a sale at the mall am I right fellas?????? Sam and Dana run off to try on their ski clothes-- probably in front of each other, perhaps they even touch each other’s boobs while doing it, I don’t know, I really can’t say-- while JT and Rich look for a get-rich-quick scheme to get some money for the ski weekend (skeekend). They pick up the classified ads and see that CLUB BOOTY is having a male stripping contest with a $1000 prize. Awesome, because JT and Rich are the two Step by Step characters I most want to see naked, thanks.
After a commercial break, Carol is in the living room at her laptop that looks like an NES when the doorbell rings. She answers it, and it’s Lilly and Lilly’s friend making rude faces and going “NAH-NAH NAH-NAH NAH-NAH.” Surely the rudest thing to happen to the Foster/Lambert house since the live-action Beavis and Butt-head lived next door. The doorbell rings again, and when Carol starts to yell at those brats it turns out to be the reverend at the door this time. He says that she and Frank are one of the most stable relationships in town, and wants them to mentor young couples from the church who are about to get married. He adds that if it works out, they can mentor the young parents, because they’ve raised some “wonderful, wonderful children.” Come on reverend, you’re just making fun of her now. Then he leaves. That couldn’t have been a phone call, reverend? You drove to their house in the snow to spend 30 seconds there? Y’all church folk is wack.
We then go to Club Booty, and it’s not pirate themed at all, I call foul. JT is dragging Rich into the strip club. Rich is afraid of being a laughing stock, and to his chagrin, the rest of the auditioning strippers are sitcom-hunky-guys. The guy running the place (yes a GUY, what is he queer?) thinks that they’re the plumbers he called for, making me realize that JT and Rich are two mustaches away from being a passable Mario and Luigi. All the auditioning strippers strip down to their skivvies as the first guy’s boss (an old man, man for all I know male strip clubs really are run by guys maybe I should just not say shit) decides which ones will stay or go. JT and Rich are wearing comical undergarments (heart boxers and long underwear, respectively), and the old dude tells them to get lost. The other guy says to keep them for comic relief and to give the ladies a chance to go make in the toilet while they’re onstage. “All right Beavis and Butt-head, you’re in” the old man says, and the audience does not cheer for the Beavis and Butt-head reference. How far we’ve come since Minkus referenced them in Boy Meets World season one.  Back at home, Frank comes in and tells Carol that one of his buddies got a 60” TV to watch the Bucks/Bulls game Monday. Unfortunately, Monday is the day Carol and Frank are supposed to mentor the young couples from the church. Man, remember this joke I wrote a couple episodes back: “Hey I thought you guys only went to church when you need a comedic conflict with watching the big game.” Did I nail this show or what?
JT and Rich are in their apartment practicing both their stripper dances and making me barf. Someone knocks at the door, it’s JT’s secret weapon to winning the stripper contest: Moose, a construction worker who works for Frank who used to be a male stripper. He is a big, tattooed, bearded oaf who does a choreographed striptease; a hilarious visual I assure you but the detail I would need to go into to accurately convey it would embarrass us both so let’s go right to the next scene shall we?
Frank is trying to watch the big game on a tiny TV in the kitchen while Carol is trying to get him back to the living room to mentor the little churchlets. Carol threatens to withhold sex if he doesn’t get back in there and the idiot believes her, how could you not see through that. Anyway, here’s the joke of this scene: Carol and Frank are supposed to be an example of a stable, loving couple for the young couples, but they are mad at each other and they argue the whole time. Are you clear on that? Weirdly, the third commercial break kicks in here, leaving both subplots completely un-wrapped-up at the start of the final act.
Back at Club Booty, JT, Rich and Moose are backstage getting ready to strip while the ladies in the audience get rowdy. What happens next will come as a huge surprise to anyone who has never seen a sitcom before in their lives: Dana, Sam, Karen and Al all come into the strip club. Rather than treat us audience with respect and just say “they were horny,” the writers make a ridiculous excuse for them to be there; they are there for “Becky” (who doesn’t even have a line in the episode)’s bridal shower. Now what are the odds that someone completely independent of the Lambert/Foster family would be friends with the Lambert/Foster stepsisters AND Sam? Ridiculous.
JT and Rich get onstage for their turn to strip. The main four girls are horrified, as is the entire strip club audience. Al, you’re the only one blood-related to either of them so you shut your eyes. Dana and Sam go up to the stage to get them to stop. “Sam, what are you doing here?” JT says. “Keeping my clothes on…” says Sam, fucking rub it in why don’t you. Ugh, sorry I just don’t want to spend much time on the scene where JT and Rich do a strip routine. Here’s what happens: Dana grabs a microphone (people who appear in a sitcom's opening titles get to grab any microphone, at any time, anywhere, it’s a law look into it) and announces that the audience has to pay these two apes to keep their clothes ON, and the ladies unsurprisingly throw their money at the stage. I never thought I’d have something in common with a male strip club audience* but there you go. * completely untrue There’s still that Frank and Carol subplot to wrap up. When we last left them they were arguing in front of the young church couples, the reverend, and the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. What do you think happens next? If you think that they make up and everyone learns a lesson, turn to page 148. If you think they remain unable to resolve this small problem and split up with something like six episodes of Step by Step left to air, grab a sharpie, write “I AM THE BIGGEST IDIOT ALIVE” on the nearest t-shirt you can find, and go out in public wearing it.  Page 148: The reverend looks up at the lord and mouths “thank you,” and so do I, because this episode is over. P.S. As of the end of this episode, JT and Sam are still together, I guess the mystery of their break up will have to wait until another day. Mark Watch: Mark does not appear in this episode, thank god, it was disgusting enough already.
|
