Step by Step, why can’t you just fucking end already? And here’s the kicker: I don’t even want you to end so I can stop writing you up. No, I want you to end so I can write-up SEASON ONE episodes of you. If you are reading this by chronological episodes, you should know that we started writing these up with season 6 and are just waiting for the moment for Step by Step to turn over so we can go back to CLASSIC step. I actually WANT to sit through mullets and Brendon and pre-puberty Al! I know, I can’t believe it myself. Season 7 is taking it’s toll. And every time I say “lets make it fast” the write-up always winds up being 3 pages long. So this time I’m not making a declaration about how long or fast I want this episode to go. So there.
We open the episode with JT making screeching noises with a balloon. Proud, he laughs to himself. “This is awesome” JT says. “Wow.” “I can’t believe this.” Rich is fed up, trying to read Sports World, a terrible prop that is supposed to be the swimsuit issue but it really looks like the ROIDED OUT LADY edition. Seriously, they got some body builder chick on the cover and put a black background on it. I mean fucking shit, the buffed out horror lady wouldn’t be a big problem if they just stuck in a beach background instead of BLACKNESS. Where’d they shoot that photo, Limbo? Is that where most ladies are wearing their swimsuits these days??
JT wonders where his grape soda is. Cut to Rich with a now-empty grape soda in his hand. He bares his teeth while the fakest fucking belch sound effect I ever heard gets played. He literally made the same belch-acting choice that Mr. Ed would’ve made. Rich claims they are now even, since JT “scarfed down” his "Ding-Dong." JT shouts “NO NO! YOU DRANK MY GRAPE SODA... I--” Tom Servo shouts “DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!” Basically what happens is JT & Rich fight by threatening to eat each others cereals. I guess I’m lucky that the one roommate I’ve ever had would regularly ask me if he could eat my food if he wanted it, and then remembered and bought me more when we went shopping.
After the commercials, Al, Carol, and Frank are all in the Living Room not speaking to each other. Carol and Frank read more fake magazines - Nautical Geographic or something like that for Carol, and for Frank The National Whisper, a National Enquirer type magazine with the headline TEACHER’S SON BUTCHERS WIFE. It took me a while to make sense of that headline. Was it some kind of intended joke that they are basically reading material that the other one would be more suited reading? Anyway Al looks like she’s studying and she looks over-made-up yet COMPLETLEY HOT. Karen enters with her new boyfriend Chip. He’s completely sycophantic and Karen’s got him doing all kinds of chores for him. Carol shows concern. Al quips “didn’t Lincoln free the slaves?” I’d like to free some slaves, all over Al’s face/hair/chest/stomach. I should point out I am talking about a fictional character when I say rude stuff like that. I would be horrified if the actress that played Al found this and read that above statement. I’m sorry. I respect all women, and I love all beautiful women. And guess what? All women are beautiful. But if I had the remote control from the movie Pleasantville I’d zap myself into the TV right now and bang Al Lambert in front of her parents.
What’s going on a few hours later one room over, you might ask? Well, Dana, Al, Frank, and Rich eat some kind of meal (you remember Some Kind of Meal, don’t you? It was a cook book written by John Hughes). JT enters wearing teeny tiny clothes that are much too tight for his exploding lunch-meat-filled body. “This creep shrunk my clothes!” JT exclaims! JT, maybe you’re just wearing Rich’s clothes? Did you ever think of that? They yelp at each other, then Rich gets tough and in JT’s face. They are going to duke it out! “Yes! Chick Fight!” Al cheers. What the fuck, that’s actually funny. I love Al! Man I’m sorry I talked about putting fluid all over you, Al. We can just lay with each other all night if you want. We don't even have to use our mouths on each other. Anyway, Dana offers a solution: They get some counseling. I instantly thought “oh great, what family member is gonna do that?” Not surprisingly Dana offers up her services. So that’s gonna happen.
The next scene Carol prods into Chip and Karen’s relationship. Carol is finding out the extent of the hold Karen has over him: She’s got him crossing DIFFERENT state lines to buy her shampoo and French magazines! Carol tells Chip he should stand up for himself. He does, he dumps Karen. Yay Carol! Yay Chip! The right thing happened! Fucking shit, even if Karen was perfectly respectful to Chip he should dump her. She’s such a snooze. Karen is now upset with Carol. I kinda think she should just roll over and take it.  This is boring. Dana and Rich and JT are in therapy together. Dana dresses up what she thinks psychiatrists dress like. Honestly she's a pair of white gloves, a cane, and a top hat away from being dressed like a ring-leader. JT and Rich talk about the good old days romantically and the joke is that they are kinda talking like they are a married couple! Get it? They are two dudes. Get it now? The scene ends with them fighting and deciding to try ROLE-PLAYING. So at this point I have the episode paused. What do I have to look forward to here? Rich and JT’s breakthrough? Karen realizing she’s a cunt? Oh god. Maybe I should end this write-up right now? You know what, I’m going to continue. But I give you guys full permission to stop reading. I can just tell it won’t be good. Go ahead. Go play outside! You know what I like to do? Set up my TV so it’s facing the window and I play the Wii while I’m outside! That way when the little warning comes up suggesting I should go play outside for a while because I’ve been playing Wii too long? I can tell my Wii to go fuck itself! Because I AM outside! Aren’t I genius?  NEW SCENE! FAMILY ROOM! Karen answers the door and its Chip, now wearing a leather jacket. He has an itemized statement for all the money he spent on Karen. Karen apologizes for treating him like dirt, they agree to get back together (BOOO CHIP BOOO) but Chip is now more assertive. It looks like the relationship is going to work out after all.
Dana administers a Rorschach test to Rich and JT. Every ink blot they see they see Cameron Diaz being sexy, but it’s that non-pornographic silly sitcom-version of sexy, such as “Cameron Diaz naked on a Zamboni.” Look, I’m not taking away from the attractiveness of Cameron Diaz. I have friends who have RAILED against her and taken her aesthetic appeal into question. I don’t want to get into that. But Cameron Diaz just isn’t a girl I have a desire to see naked. There’d be a gigantic list of people I would want to see naked over Cameron Diaz. For example: Al. But my point is this: This scene is bullshit because Dana bemoans the fact that all these two dunderheads can see is Cameron Diaz in the inkblots. “Well you’re the one who brought the sexy pictures!” JT offers back. The writers of Step By Step took an old JOKE (you may have remembered it from the film “What About Bob”) and their idea of re-writing it was to insert a contemporary reference that isn’t even that convincing as a lady you’d want to see naked! Why not LUCY LAWLESS? Isn’t Rich and JT’s fascination with Xena: Warrior Princess well documented at this point? Even if you disagree with that choice of lady, it has some semblance of logic from what’s already been established. So now Dana brings out the foam bats, and Rich and JT are instructed to hit the bed. If they are just hitting the bed, why put foam on the bats? Predictably JT & Rich hit each other. Dana screams at the both of them and JT & Rich embrace out of fear. The audience swoons. I guess the fan-fiction-writing fag-hags over at step-bi-step.com got bussed in for this taping of this episode. Rich and JT for some reason begin reminiscing about terrible times they had being idiots (puking, going out with ugly girls), laugh, make up, and everyone hugs (even Dana!). JT & Rich continue their relationship of enabling each other to be gross shitheads. End of episodes, end of my life. Oh, I’m killing myself tonight! I didn’t mention? Mark and Lily Watch: Attending therapy to deal with the pain of being cut from this episode. Or having a party. You decide.
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