Cox Digital Cable Description To keep Rich’s attention, Dana turns to J.T. for advice on being fun.  “Yes, I got another planet, Uranus is mine.” “I cannot believe you guys, I have been gone for four hours and you are still playing with your joysticks.” The first two lines of this episode; foul jokes about buttsex and masturbation. JT and Rich are playing each other in an arcade game at a pool hall when JT professes his ownership of Rich’s anus and Dana comes by to tell them to quit being such circle jerks. Has anyone mentioned Rich’s sideburns in these write-ups? He grew new sideburns for season seven, they’re very shitty and somewhat creepy. “We’re really getting our quarter’s worth!” JT says. Come on, where can you get four hours off of one quarter anymore? Steve Wiebe can barely get four hours off a quarter, and you guys are no Steve Wiebe. You kind of are Billy Mitchell though… fine, you win.
Dana gets ready to leave these geeks when who should show up but a real freak! Lindsay Weir in the flesh, Linda Cardellini playing Rich’s old pal Cassie. She calls Rich “Halke,” wears a Lindsay Weir army coat and talks in a Codeman-meets-Chicago-accent voice. It is explained that she and Rich were best pals in junior high, and they hug and shit when they meet, making Dana jealous. Linda Cardellini also guest starred in an episode of Boy Meets World as a ski lodge employee who kisses Cory, causing him and Topanga to briefly break-up. I guess before Paul Feig came along she had a pretty steady career going as a sitcom homewrecker.
Once they’re outta the pool hall and back at home, Dana makes Rich watch opera and Rich falls asleep. Dana maybe you should just dump this goon and go out with Mr. Feeny, he loves opera too. Uh oh, we’re learning what happens when I run out of jokes, which is just make references to Boy Meets World, this does not bode well when I’m only about 30 seconds into the first act. The doorbell rings and it’s Cassie in the same old army jacket but brand new backwards hat. Really, female Codeman is basically how she‘s playing this character. I wonder if she was intended to become a regular character to replace Pinchot. She wants to play pool with Rich and refers to Dana as “Donna.” Man I just realized that this episode doesn’t have all that many things to make jokes about. Anyway Dana tells Rich to go play pool if he doesn’t want to watch opera and then he does and then we go to another scene.
Frank comes home. Before he can jump Carol’s bones he gets good news: His cousin is coming to town. But the bad news: it’s his rude cousin Bert! Bert the bum, he’s always playing tricks and pranks. Hey guess what, Bert shows up immediately, and he’s played by Fred Willard! Bert makes fun of Frank (Frankfurter) and plays rude tricks on him. I wonder what brought Fred Willard to Step by Step? It’s not really a mystery why he’d guest star on this show, Step by Step is a thing after all, but it would make more sense if he was on in the TGIF days alongside his pal Martin Mull on Sabrina the Teenager Witch. Maybe Step by Step wanted to get him on their CBS season in an attempt to get anyone to watch that season?
In the next scene, Bert is just chatting up Al and Karen minding his own business and Frank just gets on his case for no good reason! Carol pulls Frank aside and tells him to lighten up. “Marv Albert would get a better reception at a feminist gallery!” Carol says, and since I can’t tell the difference between Marv Albert and Merv Griffin this joke is lost on me. Frank says that Bert is a bum not noticing that Bert was right behind him! Bert says that he’s changed his ways after going to jail. He decides to leave but first gives Frank back the $300 he owes him (if Frank mentioned Bert owing him money earlier I completely missed it, sorry). Bert does the comedic joke of taking his time getting ready to leave, enough time that Frank comes around and asks him to stay, aww.
Later, Dana is in the kitchen, wearing an apron and making food. Al and Karen make fun of her for it, Al delivers a semi-funny line reading in “Oh my God, she’s been possessed by June Cleaver,” go Al. Dana plans to get Rich away from Cassie for the day by making him a picnic, taking him to the lake, and “rock[ing] his world.” But Rich already made plans to go to the monster truck show with Cassie. The audience “ooh”s. Way to go Rich, Dana would have fucked you by the CGI lake in front of the rollercoaster but instead you’re going to the monster truck show with the girl version of the goof version of Pauly Shore. I guess the next picnic you go to will be with the rest of your ant hill to steal food.
JT is ironing his shirt with a pan like an idiot (a wrinkled shirt is beneath you?!) when Dana comes in to fuck him to get back at Rich. Oh god, why did I type that, why did I put that image in my head? For real though, she comes to JT’s room to learn how to be “fun” to get Rich interested again. JT bes a piece of shit about it of course and teaches her how to belch, thank goodness the “sitcom belch” sound effect was cued up. The audience applauds for it, go figure.
Frank and Carol come home and the TV is gone! Frank assumes Bert stole it, and assumes that the $300 Bert gave him was fake. So Frank rips it up. Let's see if that turns out to be a bad idea. Bert comes in to deliver the REAL deal on the TV: he took it away because he bought them a new TV! It’s the same size as their old one, and not even HD, who gives a shit, thanks for nothing Bert.
Cassie and Rich are playing pool, one might even say “shooting” pool, and one might even say “chilling out maxing and relaxing all cool” when Dana comes in and starts making trouble in their neighborhood while dressed like the grunge rock version of Amanda Dank. She burps in Rich’s face. Then, when Dana tries to play pool, she fucks everything up in the kind of physical comedy scene Pinchot can only dream about. Did I mention The Go-Gos “We Got the Beat” is playing over this scene? Hope you like never coming out on DVD, this episode. Anyway, Dana knocks shit over, rips up the pool table, hits people with the pool cue accidentally, and then knocks some dude’s snacks out of his hands, that one seems on purpose though. Man I really thought I had more jokes about this episode than I do, I’m sorry. If it seemed like I’m glossing over Linda Cardellini and Fred Willard’s characters it’s because they had about eight lines each in the episode. Anyway, Dana and Rich kiss and make up and Cassie is never seen again (probably).
The end: Rich and Dana go back to the pool hall (the producers are getting all their money’s worth out of this set if it kills them) and make a bet, if Dana wins the pool game they don’t have sex until their married, if Rich wins then she is sizzling like fajita meat TONIGHT. Rich then hits every ball on the pool table in a montage set to opera music, too bad you win pool by only hitting in either the stripes or solids, but the audience doesn’t know that I guess. And neither does Rich, this was all a dream he had when he fell asleep watching opera! His dreams are a lot like mine, and by that I mean I dream of Dana cockteasing Rich (doing too many of these write ups will do that to you). Mark Watch: Mark does not appear in this episode. Lilly Watch: Lilly does not appear in this episode.
Why would Dana make Rich watch the opera? I wouldn't make my girlfriend do things she wouldn't like. Like being my girlfriend, for example. After the opera scene there's a knock at the door. Rich asks Dana to get it. Why would he be expected to get it? It's not HIS fucking house! When Dana corrects Lindsay Weir that her name isn't DONNA, She says "Sorry you still look like a Donna to me!" with her Chicago accent I thought maybe it was a DONNER party reference, because Dana kinda does have the complexion of a skeleton. Frank suggests he and Carol play "Lonely housewife and the lucky cable guy." How is that much different from "Lonely housewife and the lucky dry-waller," Frank? Man Rich please don't do a Yogi impression when Dana shows you the picnic basket. Not EVERY sitcom needs a Joey Gladstone in the cast. Rich tries to correct Dana when she calls him and his lesbian friend "HOMELIES." Rich, I think even you're smart enough to know she isn't wrong. (APOLOGIES TO LINDA CARDELINI FOR BEING DRAGGED INTO THAT RUDE JOKE I FIND YOU BEAUTIFUL CIRCA 1997-2002 [BEFORE YOU BECAME BLONDE, I MEAN {I MEAN YOU AREN'T UGLY OR ANYTHING I JUST PREFER YOUR MORE NATURAL LOOK (HEY IS FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL REALLY ABOUT YOU? JUST WONDERING)}])
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