JT, Mark, and Al eat breakfast while Frank comes downstairs to apologize to Carol for not boning her last night. Clearly this is a conversation best saved for breakfast. They couldn’t talk about their disgusting marital business as they were both still in bed or while passing each other on the way to the shower (clearly the don’t shower together or else they would’ve boned there). Frank decides to be non-eponymous and speak in stock market euphemisms. Mark doesn’t understand the double-meaning and JT and Al clue him in. He’s talking about the “man and wife Macarena” as JT puts it. I know, it’s stunning. JT knows rude sex sayings and is eager to use them. You wouldn’t know it by looking at him.
Frank even has trouble administering a good-morning kiss to his wife when RICH walks in and intercepts it with his disgusting hair. I honestly gagged when I saw it. Can’t you tell Rich’s head smells and must also taste like musk and product? The kids go off to go to school and Frank and Carol decide to bone in the kitchen! JT comes back in, fuming mad; he LIVES in that kitchen. JT informs Frank that his car won’t start and so Frank needs to drive the kids to school.
When we come back from commercial, Rich and JT play paper football in the family room. Does anybody really ever play paper football? The only time anybody ever actually engages in such bullshit is to show somebody who doesn’t know what paper football is what paper football is. Karen reads Tres Chic magazine, which is actually published by the same company that publishes JT’s favorite magazine, PLAYPEN. Dana enters; she and Rich have a date of some kind. Rich acts weird and tells some obvious lie about having to go pick up ointment for his dad. Karen instantly starts putting ideas into Dana’s head that Rich is cheating on her, based on what she’s reading in the magazine. Hey, did I mention that this episode actually made the cut for the one Step By Step best-of DVD that came out? That’s weird, huh?
Carol and Frank get ready to bone. Carol lights candles, Frank gargles. Franks dick is this close to getting some trim when Lilly ruins it with her illness. Lilly is feeling sick (karma) and wants to sleep with mommy and daddy. Frank wants to give her some drowsy cold medicine and put her to sleep, but Carol wants to do the right thing and let Lilly sleep next to Frank’s boner and infect them with her sickness. “I’ll try not to throw up on you daddy” says Lilly. “No, that’s mommy’s job” Frank responds.
Next scene. Yadda yadda, Rich blows off Dana again with another obvious lie (this time it’s that he’s taking a make-up test, a literal one that requires make-up. He’s studying to be a mime). Karen gets on her Tres Chic high horse and yells at Dana for trusting him that he’s not off getting his dick buried in some strange tail. This leads to Karen and Al following Rich and staking out (I SAID STAKING OUT, not making out, Kon) in front of the house he’s going into. A strange lady answers, and Rich walks in. Of course he must be cheating right? And not learning DANCE, which is the first fucking thing I thought when I saw her. “Oh she’s a dance teacher, he’s going to learn how to dance to surprise Dana.” I WROTE IT DOWN TO PROVE IT. But I am alone in this life so it didn’t really matter.
Al and Karen come home, so furious that they pull up onto the fake grass in the backyard. Al’s so mad she stomps! On the grass! Which makes a stomping noise! You know how grass makes stomping noises when you stomp on it right? So they go and tell Dana that Rich is definitely cheating. And you know what? I’m calling an audible on this one. Usually I’d see this subplot out to the end, but I’m gonna fucking stop it right here. You don’t need to read what happens. You fucking know. There’s a confrontation and they reach an understanding, and the audience laughs for no reason when Rich and Dana dance as they fade to commercial. I refuse to hold your hand, you fucking coward. YOU buy this on DVD and watch it and write it up. How’s that?  So somewhere in this mess we go back to Frank and Carol. Carol is dusting the house and turning photos of Brendon upside down. Frank and Carol have decided that tonight is the night to get their sex on. Carol sneezes. “You didn’t catch what Lilly had did you?” Frank wonders. “No, I haven’t turned into a gremlin!” Carol assures Frank.
The End: Frank is sick. Carol is sick. But they still think they are going to go through with one of JT’s 1001 euphemisms for sex. One of them sneezes while kissing and Frank’s ears get popped. Frank blows his nose and looks at the MTV logo in his kleenex. They decide they’re too sick to bone (Which is the Weird Al parody of George Thorogood and the Destroyer’s hit song “Bad to the Bone.” The music video featured Weird Al playing billiards with his pecker). And then Carol passes away.
mardsen nails al with paper football JT is still gross, loves to eat fast food Rich is a troublemaker, he's up to some shit Karen tells Dana that Rich is a slut for sex. Oh brother, carol and frank are going to bone. "close encounter of the best kind" here comes the ugly chiiiiiiillld "I wanna sleep with you mommy"
That is disgusting Frank has to hide his boner 60 grams of fat is a lot for a muffin. Karen looks like she had some work done. Has a mustache I wish Rich was a mime, you know what I mean? So basically this woman is doing something for Rich, probably for Dana. This episode might end with Rich singing a love song to her. Either way there is another half of this stupid episode to go, and we have to find out if Lilly survives her fever and if Frank finally gets his dick wet. Is that Al or Hey-Yeah Pannerette from Heroes and Kon's dreams. They break the news . Lilly is fine but is playing outdoor with apparently no supervision. So it's dance lessons. Of course. Dana breaks through the door in a fury not seen since cody beat his wife. Wow, Dana says some offensive stuff about swingers. Dana finds out she fucked up. Al and Karen look stupid. Rich and Dana dance. The lesson is that women will never trust their men, even the Wimp of the Century, Rich. Frank and Carol want to bone again, but they are sick from Lilly's cold. Actually it seems Carol just did cocaine in the bathroom. Either way it doesn't work and they sneeze and cough on each other for 5 minutes. "the only thing I want my chest tonight is vapor rub" - I hope she didn't mean that the alternative is Frank's goo.
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