The Cold Opening: first of all, I guess this doesn't count as one because there is no theme song for these episodes. Just a short title of the youngest daughter whose name escapes me blowing out the candles with the worlds step by step popping up on the screen. That's it. Was this for syndication or were the older episodes like this? I miss the fucking roller coaster! So I guess this is a teaser then.
TEASER: JT flips a pancake and it sticks to the wall. I think the FCC requires that every television show do this gag. Frank comes down and gives the kids a list of chores which the kids hate. The pancake falls on JT's face. Fuck you JT, looks like your dyslexia prevented you from reading the recipe right you dunce. Frank comes home to a messy house and sees JT eating a carton of ice cream and watching a Western. What kid from the 90s watches a western? More importantly, when are they showing a Western in the evening like it ain't no thing? I doubt the Lamberts have ENCORE WESTERN, especially back then. Frank complains that he left his list of chores and no one obeyed him. He's being a real wimp about the whole thing. Maybe he should take a lesson from Danny Tanner. He somehow keeps his house clean while living in a zoo. Frank sits on the couch and watches the Western while complaining about how he hates being the sheriff of “Lambert County”. It then fades into a Western scene. I instantly get furious about this that the first episode I’m screening is a dumb period gimmick. TANGENT #1: Before this episode, they showed an episode of Sabrina where she gets trapped in the 60s, so I guess it is period gimmick day on ABC Family. TANGENT #2: Frank has a bracelet like the ones people with diabetes have to alert doctors in case of an emergency. Does this mean Frank has diabetes or Patrick Duffy does? I tried looking it up only to find out that Patrick Duffy's parents were murdered in a robbery when he was an adult.
Carol sings a dumb song while Karen and Al wear red bustiere. Jean-Luc plays Black Bart Riperoo (Duh DUH DUH) and guess what happens whenever they say his name? Yes, what I just did. Don't think THAT isn't going to be a running gag for the whole episode. TANGENT #3: What I don't get is why Frank Lambert is imagining Jean-Luc as the bad guy when he's clearly mad as the kids? What's the fucking point of the kids making the mess then to transition into this episode? Black Bart-Luc threatens to turn the west into French by using horrible French stereotypes as new laws. Carol wishes that Sherriff Frank was the man he used to be. Jean-Luc says some French gibberish and people go HUH? To which Jean-Luc says it again in a very American accent. It kind of sounds like that secondary voice Pee-Wee uses. I don't remember if that is an ongoing Jean-Luc gag. Number of Jean-Luc episodes I've seen before this one: THREE.
We then cut to Sherriff Frank who is a sucking gun drunk. All that beer can't be good for his diabetes. JT plays a dim-witted deputy who has his own catchphrase (HUH? HUH? HUH?) which he only does about 9 times this episode. The drunk Frank has to get his act together to save Carol from Black Bart. TANGENT #4: I want to count how many fucking times they do the DUH DUN DUHHHH whenever they say Jean-Luc's character's name and JT goes HUH? HUH? HUH?. Place your bets on which one they do more!
Mark plays a preacher who will marry Black Bart Jean-Luc and Carol. Mark wins award for "Worst Western Performance", which seemed like it would be a lock from Bronson or Brandon Call. Hell, even the Codeman would have done a better job. Drunk Sherriff Frank challenges Jean-Luc to a duel. We then see a montage of Drunk Sherriff Frank getting sober and getting ready for a the duel. There is one weird scene where Sherriff Frank admires a fucking gun in a box. They duel and Frank shoots a wild shot which knocks down a chandelier and murders Black Bart. Then they sing a western song that has the lyrics "We are living our lives Step By Step". Just when you are about to groan about that, JT does his HUH HUH HUH one more time and the audience applauds it.
TANGENT #5: The episodes thinks it is cute by making modern references in a Western setting. They include. Mark: Someone call for a preacher man?
Jean-Luc: (referring to Deputy JT) When you are done with FORREST GUMP over there. Frank: Wake me up when Gunsmoke is ON. Jean-Luc: (after a chandelier falls on him) I've fallen and I can't get up Jean-Luc: (in attempt to distract Frank) Look! J.R!
Closer: Despite dying earlier, Black Bart-Luc and Drunk Sherriff Frank are playing cards. They hold up the cards to the camera oddly and after getting into an argument Sherriff Frank throws them at the screen. It made me think this episode was shot in 3D. Sure enough, this episode was part of TGIF in 3D night! Sherriff Frank then throws him at the screen. Then Frank kisses Carol and awkwardly holds his cowboy hat in front of the screen so it could barely come in 3D. You have a Western episode and that’s the best you can do 3D wise? Fucking boo. Tangent #6: Its too bad they don't have that part still in 3D because I have 3D glasses from the Super Bowl that were a huge fucking waste. Tangent #7: Let's see which running gag was the big wiener:
A close race! Congratulations on those who voted on JT being a dipshit. WORST LINE OF THE EPISODE: It was a tie between Mark's "preacher man" line and this one: Carol: I rather marry a Billy Goat
...Or this one: Rich: (plays harmonica) ...but I'm going to have to give it to "HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH?" Final Thoughts: This episode blew chunks. BONUS: I left ABC Family on while I watched my recording of STEP. When I came back I saw this scene. Asian Girl: I gotta go (takes off sweater to reveal a Yellow shirt that says TRUST GOD)
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo BONUS #2: I hope the birthday candle opening isn't for syndication because I hope they show the SEASON 7 intro that is a fucking nightmare. They even brought back that fake ocean. WHY WOULD THEY PUT A FAKE OCEAN IN WISCONSIN ANYWAY?
I guess Frank’s psyche going to Jean-Luc instead of his monster children just speaks for how xenophobic Frank is. If I were writing this dream episode Frank would be a little boy on an oversized bed and all his kids would be monsters underneath it, trying to get him to come down so they can kill him. Carol would be Frank’s mom and the episode would end with Frank sucking on her tits. Also part of the dramatic musical sting gag was the classic “acknowledging the dramatic musical sting” gag. What is this, a school play? Brendon Watch: is seen in the background, bartending. He has the line “Nice Shootin’ Sherrif!” ALSO :
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