This one was a real doozey. Lets do this:
The episode starts off with Al, Karen, and two friends? At the mall, talking about BOYS BOYS BOYS! First off, I am baffled. Whose friends belong to who? Are they Karen’s friends and Al is sorta friends with them too? Or are they primarily Al’s pals? Or are these mutual friends? I don’t want to turn this into a Mr. Show sketch about companions. Why would I? That sketch is funny, and these write-ups are clearly something else. When one of them poses the question “who has the sexiest voice?” Al brings up Drew, “Drew Carey?” one friend asks, incredulously. No! Drew, the guy who answers the phone at the well-known pizza joint Drew! The ladies agree, they find him very funny and charming over the phone. You know who Al would like? ME! One time I was talking to a girl on the phone and she informed me she named her cat General Mao, and when I referred to it as a “he” she corrected me the cat was a girl. “girls can’t be generals!” I yelled in mock-anger. “you should’ve named her MULAN!” It was so quick! Goddamn it. And that girl was a JUST FRIEND! Imagine the charm I’d pour on a single Al Lambert. I often do.
Karen loudly challenges Al that she could bag Drew easily, easier than her! Al then proceeds to sneak off camera while Mark and Brendon make their first and final appearance in this episode to ask Karen for a ride home: They were dropped off by Jean-Luc, who drove there without his contacts. It’s explained that he’s been trying to improve his eyesight by doing stuff contacts-less.
Just then, Jean-Luc shows up and auditions for Mr. Magoo the movie, crashing into every thing he possibly can. There is a weird shot of Al/Karen’s Asian friend, who looks on as if she’s FALLING IN LOVE WITH JEAN-LUC WHILE THIS HAPPENS. Jean-Luc falls over a railing wall, all the way down to the lower level and lands in the fountain. You realize its amazing Brendon, Mark, and Jean-Luc didn’t die in a fiery car crash. Not just from a practical, realistic stand-point, but also from a writer’s stand-point. You’d solve three huge problems in one fictional fiery crash. That way, a forced slapsticky scene and an appearance by two wildly unpopular characters turns into a short scene of Carol receiving a phone call from the police and just shrugging. If I had a time machine I wouldn’t kill Hitler, I’d go back and change the shooting draft of Step by Step 138 so all three of them die and change the title of the episode to “You’re welcome.” Anyway, the flirtatious glance from the asian gal doesn’t pay off at ALL, and not only that, THE JEAN-LUC SUB-PLOT ENDS WITH THIS SCENE. That’s right, not even a cold tag pays off the oh-so-hilarious concept of Jean-Luc not being able to see. What a waste. God, where was I? We aren’t even at commercial break one yet and I’m already a page deep on the word processor.
So Al comes back to inform her friends she just got a date with Drew. Karen is pissed. I am delighted. Not because Al got the date with what sounds like a stand-in me, but also because YOU CAN SEE HER NIPPLES POKING THROUGH HER SHIRT. This is already the best episode ever, holy fuck. All I need is Mark accidentally spilling soda on them and I’d be on Cloud 9.  Plot 2: Rich & Dana are going to a concert with JT & Sam. Dana nonchalantly informs Carol of this, and also that it’s in CHICAGO (Oh god please let there be a Family Matters cross-over!) and they intend to stay in a hotel overnight. But don’t worry, Dana claims she’s staying in a room with Sam, and Rich and JT are staying in another room. Carol smells a rat and is clearly against this idea, even though her daughter is an adult.
So back to Al’s big date. She’s waiting for Drew to pick her up when Karen enters, dressed up all hot like. She intends to UNDERCUT Al and steal Drew away from her! Which is mentally ill, right? Drew shows up and if you read the TiVo description, you already know it’s revealed he’s a fatso. The REAL issue though, is that he’s 35 years old, but nobody feels the need to mention this at all. Of course Shallow Karen scampers away quickly, leaving Al with fatty. Al’s reaction: completely cool. The idea of a fat dude doesn’t faze her one bit. But fatty instantly begins aggressively accusing her of wanting to cancel the date. You think he’s being silly and self-deprecating, but them agreeing to go through with the date turns basically into a shouting match. “THANKS FOR THE FAVOR” yells fatty. “THANKS FOR A NIGHT OF BEING SMOTHERED IN BEEF” says Al. Not really, but my point is that fatty is self-aware and super aggressive, for no fucking reason (other than he’s a fat) and Al is perfectly respectful and nice to him.
So Karen and Drew are on their date and Drew basically re-enacts the strip-club date from THE FAT GRADUATE, except in a mall food court from earlier instead of a strip-club (god forbid we build another set). “Now everyone is going to see you are dating a fatty, lets see how you like it now!” It’s like this episode was written by Todd Solondz or something. Just then Al’s friends come in, laughing at the fact she’s dating a fat. “Are you on a date?” one of them says, not stopping for an answer. Wow, what a cooze. Al defends fatty, who is treating her like shit still. Al calls fatty a jerk, and fatty ditches her. It really is one of those weird scenes in sitcoms where a bitter minority character confronts a non-minority character with racism when there honestly isn’t any to be found. I’d think of examples, but I’d rather not put THAT much thought into Step By Step.  Meanwhile Carol calls the Hotel Dana and Rich are staying in and tries to convince the crew she is claustrophobic, and so she needs the door to her room removed. So she can’t bone her bone-head boyfriend, I guess. Frank assures Carol that Dana is responsible, and that she should just trust her. “What about JT?” Carol asks Frank. “I have given him values. And because of that, I think I can trust him!” Smash cut to JT and Sam, finishing making out in their room. JT pulls away and says “anyways, what I was leading up to is I think it’s time we had sex!” Cut to commercial.  It would be a funny gag if they just left it at that. The look in Sam’s eye is enough to know she’s not actually gonna touch JT’s dork, so even puritans could deal with that scene unresolved. But I guess you’d have to leave that to edgier sitcoms like Grounded For Life. When we come back from commercial Sam tells JT she can’t bone him. Through some hilarious and breezy dialog, we find out JT is a virgin, but Sam is NOT! When JT asks Sam why she can’t have sex wit him since she’s had sex before and it shouldn’t be a big deal, she explains that she had sex with her other boyfriend who didn’t love her and she regretted it. “He dumped me” Sam says. JT responds with “I can’t believe that he would do that to you!” “Yeah well...” Sam starts, and I honestly expected her to finish the sentence with “I have this stupid voice, so...” She further explains the next time she has sex it will be with the person she will be with her whole life. That has to rule out JT, right?
Back at the house, fatso comes back to Al’s and apologizes for being such a jerk, and tries to leave when Al demands he explains his behavior. In an extremely awkward and literally laugh-less scene (ie a quiet studio audience and no incidental music), fat guy explains he acts the way he does because nobody wants to be around him. It’s a chicken and egg situation clearly. He got fat, kids made fun of him, he sat around and ate while he hated them. That’s why he got a job where he only answers the phone and nobody has to see him (where can I get THAT job? seriously). They come to an understanding, Al offers her friendship (but certainly nothing more than that. Lets be real here, the guy is a house!) and they decide to see BEVERLY HILLS NINJA. “You might not know this from looking at me but I am a HUGE CHRIS FARLEY fan!” fat guy breaks the fucking tension finally and he sashays out the house with Al, never to be seen again.
Back to the Hotel. Dana and Rich are in the hotel room together, and Rich is laying on the “I wanna get boned” song and dance on THICK, like a dick. The maintenance guy comes to remove Dana’s door. Dana, infuriated with her mother, sends him away, and agrees to pork the little pipsqueak out of spite. Just then Carol calls the hotel room and apologizes to Dana. Dana hangs up, Rich emerges from the bathroom all gussied up for sex (wearing boxers, and undershirt, and a rose in his mouth) and OH MY GOD IT’S THE HORRIBLE OTHER SIDE OF THE AL NIPPLE COIN: YOU CAN SEE RICH’S BONER! He very clearly tries to hide it while the camera stays away from it (it doesn’t want to turn into stone, they already lost a few dozen cameras filming a fully clothed Brendon sitting quietly in the background of an out-of-focus crowd scene). Dana apologetically turns down Richie’s Rich and they hug and yadda yadda this thing is astronomically long so lets cut to the end.
The End: Dana and Sam share a room while JT & Rich share the other room. The same sex couples decide to have sex with each other instead of with their respective boyfriends/girlfriends in support of voting no on Prop 8. JT & Rich’s sex scenes are MUCH more graphic: They make out for a few minutes and then scissor with boners almost flopping out of their shorts while Dana and Sam simply submerge completely under the covers and, kick their feet around and say “OOH LA LA!” over and over. You don’t even get to see them kiss. Lilly Watch: Lily did not appear in this episode. Cultural Name-Check: Alanis Morrisette. That was the concert.
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