Locket Man
Episode #: 135
Airdate: May 2, 1997
TiVo Synopsis: Rich’s gift to Dana is not endearing; Frank has a midlife crisis.

In this episode: Frank has the most cartoonish mid-life crisis ever. Jean-Luc wants to cheer him up by reading him an article called “Those Amazing Geezers” (which is a great name for an article) after Frank comes home hobbling from playing at the playground with Lilly (Lilly Watch fans, look out for more details on this)

When we see him later in the episode he comes home with a leather jacket, dyed black hair, and sunglasses. He looks, no joke, like Pat Boone’s later-day rocker persona. If you looked in his back pocket you could see anti-evolution propaganda and self-penned articles comparing gay people to terrorists poking out.

I’m going a bit out of order here, but now I’m going to jump over to Rich and Dana’s plot. Rich shows JT (eating yet another rotisserie chicken with his bare hands) his presents for Dana’s birthday: An LP of Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe” (Of course the writers have JT wonder aloud what a record is. Between him and Brad on Home Improvement there’s a fucking epidemic of kids in sitcoms not knowing what records are even though they were born in 1977 and would easily have an entire childhood spent with them. I was born in 1983 and did!), and a gold necklace which had previously given a previous girlfriend. Later we’ll find out it’s actually a LOCKET, and it has a picture of him and an old girlfriend inside of it. I’m sorry, how can anybody be that stupid? How can anyone forget about a compartment? Of course it all goes to shit and Dana is mad at Rich.

Back to the mid-life crisis: Later Al and Carol are discussing Frank. Al mentions Frank’s desire to form a “grunge-rock” band. I wonder if that was SUPPOSED to be funny because grunge-rock would certainly be an out-dated reference by then, and Frank is a boob for being out-of-touch, or if that was a genuine attempt by a writer to think of something current. Just then, Frank brings home a motorcycle, yelling at a “FOXY LADY” to check out his “NEW WHEELS.” Carol resolves everything by letting Frank know she still finds him sexy in what was easily the biggest laugh of the episode: “When I see you working out here with your shirt off honest to god it takes my breath away.” She convinces Frank to give up his Gin Blossoms concert tickets by giving them to the girls so she can bone him upstairs, her answer for everything, sheesh.

But then, and this bothers me SO MUCH, it cuts to the girls OUT AT A RESTURANT. All I can think about is Frank and Carol yelling their names to give them concert tickets, only to discover they aren’t even home. I bet Carol and Frank couldn’t even fuck because of it. Frank was probably like “well now we’re wasting them if we don’t go” and Carol was like “COME ON YOU WERE ABOUT TO SCORE SOME PUSS AND NOW ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS 40 DOLLAR CONCERT TICKETS” and then they wound up BOTH not having sex OR going to the concert. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED AND NOT ON A SITCOM.

So anyway, Rich shows up at the Restaurant where the girls are going on and on “Men are pigs this” “Men are pigs that.” He brings a sound system and sings “I Got You Babe” to Dana in the restaurant. It melts Dana’s heart and everyone in the place starts slow-dancing. Slow-dancing, TO AN AMATEUR. Including the CHEF! I don’t know what kind of backwoods hicks live in this town but when you see a little rat troll singing into a 40 dollar karaoke machine he probably BORROWED, NOT OWNS, you stay in your fucking seat and you at least PRETEND to not enjoy it, even if you secretly do.

The End: Dana and Rich dressed like Sonny and Cher (including wigs and fake mustache) singing “I Got You Babe” on a set reminiscent of a 70’s variety show, or a school dance, I’m not sure which. It looks like they got another actress to play Dana to play Cher, because it looks nothing like her. Maybe it’s the crazy make-up. She was clearly going for authenticity, where Rich was merely going for sketch-comedy level authenticity.

Cultural Name-Checks: Charlton Heston, Dr. Kevorkian, Sonny and Cher Burt Reynolds, Gin Blossoms, Mark Fuhrman, Party of Five, Old Yeller

Lilly Watch: Lilly comes home after playing on the playground with Frank and revels in the fact that an ice-cream vendor called him Grandpa. I’d like to punch that up and have the ice-cream vendor call him “Gramps” instead.

Mark Watch: Mark enters when an unrecognizable Frank, firmly in the grip of his Pat-Boone-influenced mid-life crisis, is hanging around in the kitchen. “I’m ready to go to the mall when Frank gets home,” Mark exclaims. When Frank reveals himself, Mark hems and haws his way out of going to the mall with him and describes Frank’s look as “San Francisco.” You know it’s really bad when Mark is telling you you look gay.

Brendon Watch: Seen clapping for Lilly’s birthday cake in the opening titles, and nowhere else.

Jean Luc is pretty much becoming my favorite character just because with every other male character Frank will get ANGRY and everyone will QUIVER IN FEAR of the old fuck but Jean Luc will just be an asshole to Frank and not give a shit. What's Frank gonna do, beat up a Frenchman? An empty victory at best. Frank sucks and deserves all the rude Frenchness he has coming.

Uncharacteristically of Jixby he did not mention the scene where Dana tickles Rich to get him to tell him what her birthday present is going to be. It's kind of terrifying, maybe it's because Dana spent the first five seasons being an inverted-haired Darlene but it feels almost wrong on a primal level to see Dana in the throes of titillation, she seems like an Angela from the Office-type character in that way. Also I remember even being a kid and thinking Dana and Rich were an exceptionally horrible couple. Judd Apatow would look at them and go "yeah right."

Things that made me guffaw, yes, GUFFAW:

• When JT walks in eating a rotisserie chicken with his bare hands and the audience cheers.
• When JT says that Dana is 127 in dog years and SAM does a disapproving but laughing nod, like she's silently saying "oh JT I can't take you ANYWHERE!" (was there a secret joke that Dana, being 21 in human years, was drunk in that scene? cause that's how I watched it)
• When Dana calls Rich a rat (because I thought of the Biker Mice from Mars reference).
• Suzanne Sommers' line about how Frank takes her breath away. Line reading of the year.

PS on what fucking planet does the waiter ask Karen to dance instead of Al? I would say there should be a Karen Watch but I clamored for a Brendon watch and even I don't care about Karen, so there's really no use.

Haha hell yeah @ at the audience cheering @ JT with his chicken hands. Imagine if aliens saw that, they'd be too grossed out to invade.

Also I didn't comment on Dana tickling him and sucking on his ear because I confused it with my fantasizing she was doing it to me. This made me realize: the actor playing Rich probably had a boner. WE HAD TO WATCH RICH GET A BONER.

And seriously, Carol's "take my breath away" line made me BREAK DOWN laughing. It was a short attack, but it was definitely like "oh god I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I'M GOING TO LAUGH AT THIS WHEN WILL THIS END" but luckily it did after 30 seconds. I can imagine a studio audience politely trying not to laugh.