So here’s the write up: The Lamberts compete against other families at an annual carnival. They are returning champions, but this time they have their new extended family involved. Through hardships, they win the championship, and learn to be work together as a family. That’s the write up! Okay! NEXT EPISODE! Don’t mind all this text and images underneath; it’s just legal disclaimers and stuff like that. Just scroll down and click the link to go to the next write-up. Are you still there? Okay good. Now I’m among friends. So this episode starts with what we in the business call a COLD OPEN. This is the scene before the credits, sometimes it’s extraneous, sometimes it sets up what’s to come... one time I saw one that was just a black background and my loony liberal sister Clarissa showed up on screen, banging on the screen to be let out of the TV. Turns out she was just filming it in her closet, with a piece of glass in front of the camera. I really do wish she was stuck inside the TV. She treats me like shit. She makes insulting video games with me in them, and has my headshot on her door with a red slash through it. Goddamn it, I still haven’t gotten to this episode? Okay. A needy Carol tries to rally the two families of Foster and Lambert to do something together. They are all rude about it. “What a great idea! NOT!” JT says, foreshadowing things to come a few episodes down the road when he gets his own public access show called DA ALI-JT SHOW, and he rolls out his rude middle-eastern character and uses him to prank racist, uptight Americans. Everyone ditches her, even Brendon, who runs off to look at his friend’s dead turtle before his friend throws it away. I’m not even making that up. When Brendon leaves, Carol goes after him, wanting to go with him. That’s kinda funny.  This episode is also the first episode to air that has Cody added to the intro! Now it’s officially Step by Step. See, in these early episodes, you actually sense a TINY bit of effort in them. Like somebody is TRYING to make them good. But once Cody hit and became a breakout star and started having studio audiences hoot for him, they realized they could rein it in on the effort and coast on bullshit terribleness. And thank goodness, because if it weren’t for that bullshit terribleness, I wouldn’t be doing this.
Cody continues what was started in episode 4, pursuing Dana by inviting her to watch him demolish a building. Cody’s demolition methods include putting a big blonde lady wig on the roof of the building and giant red lady lips on the front so it bears a passing resemblance to his wife, and he just lets those kickers of his fly. Frank then enters talking about the family games I mentioned. There was probably a name for them, but I wasn’t paying attention. Lets call them the STUPID FAMILY FAMILY GAMES (SFFG from here on out). Dana drops cynicism on Frank’s pride over winning them 3-years in a row with his amazing Lamberts. Cody drops the bad news, he’s going to miss the SFFG this year because of his demolition job. “Nobody can catch a greased pig like you can” Frank says of Cody. So this explains why Cody personally delivered Brendon when he was born.
Carol assumes the WHOLE FAMILY is going to be involved, including her motley crew of doughy weenies. But see, since her whole family are pretty much half faggot and half nothing else Frank kinda doesn’t want them involved AT ALL. He wants to win this thing; he doesn’t want to enjoy family togetherness! So he decides to train the Fosters in the backyard with a practice round of apple bobbing. Mark is volunteered to give it a shot, nearly drowns in the bucket and needs to be yanked out and saved. Well, “needs” is a strong word. Really it’s my personal theory that they want him to outlive everyone in the family so they don’t have go to his funeral and feign sadness, and that’s about it. Nah, just jokin’! Obviously they want the little dude to stay alive because he keeps their grade point average up and the dean won’t kick them off campus. Or am I misunderstanding the premise of this whole show?
So Mike TheCoolPerson takes his family to the SFFG. His rotten step children bring along their bad attitudes and prescription sun block while he and his Lambert crew try to figure out what the fuck they’re gonna do to win. When we first cut to them, there’s a brief moment where it looks like Brad Taylor is holding a Mr. Woodchuck doll, and I can’t tell you why this is true, but I got EXCITED for a second. I really need to take a look within to figure out why this is.  The Lamberts are confronted by the LARSONS, not the LINDSTROMS as TiVo said. The father is very Swedish for some reason, while the rest of the family is perfectly American-accented. They taunt each other and I try not to fall asleep. Lets fucking move on, fuck.
What follows is a bit of a montage of the Lamberts being good and the Fosters being lousy at the SFFG. Mark tries the strongman competition (clearly this is JT’s area of expertise if this OPENING THEME taught us anything) but blows it. He lifts the mallet over his head and it weighs him down so he flops backwards like the flop that he is. Karen breaks a nail during the relay race. I don’t remember if they showed Dana being bad at something. It was probably a NOT SAYING SOMETHING SARCASTIC TO A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX contest. Carol and Frank get a moment to themselves where It comes out Frank just wants to win the contest, not wanting to lose to the arrogant and disgusting Larson family for the first time ever, and is a little bit upset with these Fosters blowing it. I’m not sure what purpose this scene serves. They yell at each other for about ten seconds and that’s it.
Cut to the next event, which is announced by a dorko Mark-Linn-Baker-alike (That’s the guy from Perfect Strangers who wasn’t Balki, in case you didn’t know. He’s also become British in his old age) announces the next event is the pie eating contest. Here it’s revealed the big lummox Larson brother is in love with the very beautiful Karen Foster. So much so that he trips over a bail of hay and spills his milkshake all over himself, filling the few key spots on his shirt that didn’t already have milkshake on them. This gives the Lamberts the bright idea of putting Karen in the pie eating contest. She wins by getting the Larson fatso all sexed up to the point that he dies face-down in his pie. In all fairness, I think he was aiming for Karen’s.
Hey, is this getting boring to anybody else? Okay, so the final event is the tug-o-war, and this will determine the big winner of the contest! Things look dire in the middle of the tugging, but just then Cody shows up heroically on his motorcycle! When the Larsons question his eligibility, Cody lies and says he’s Dana’s fiancé. It’s not like Cody to lie, but I think he’s just thinking positively. In Cody’s wildest dreams he’s engaged to Dana. In mine I’m married to all three daughters, and it never stops being our wedding night. The Lamberts win, and so do you, because this write-up is over.  Fat Lady Watch: The redhair cheers for Frank and Family while they bob for assholes. She also has a running thing where she lusts after Larry Assholegate, claiming he’s a dead ringer for Kevin Costner. “Penny, I told you, if you’re gonna be in the sun all day wear a hat!” her fat mother tells her. Man, what an apple.
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