Today’s episode starts out with JT retreading the Chocolate Milk bit, vigorously shaking his mullet back and forth after filling his mouth with milk and chocolate syrup. JT then guilts Dana into showing him her birdhouse plans after Dana initially snaps at him. JT takes the opportunity to be rude, like always. “You’re right Dana, I don’t care!” JT you are a mother fucker.
Karen enters moaning about how too many people are asking her to some dance. This is really all she has to do in the whole episode. No sub-plot, no nothin’. She’s also wearing some spandexy bodysuit, the REAL reason she’s on camera I’m guessing. “Get real, rat face!” Karen snaps at JT, for reasons I can’t remember but can probably guess (he wasn’t getting real). I wonder if they hired the kid who played JT because they were LOOKING for a rat face to fit all the insults they’ve written, or did they hire him and THEN go “well shit, everyone is going to be so distracted by his terrible rat face... I know! Let’s mention it in every episode!” This way everyone in the studio audience won’t be shrieking and tucking their socks into their pants every time JT walks out on stage?  Al enters. Yeah baby here we go-- oh wait, I keep forgetting this is pre-puberty Al. Damn. I won’t get to see a good rack until the commercials for “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” come on. Dana mocks Al for bringing home a VHS tape of Tom Sawyer, which she intends to watch in lieu of reading the book. No Joke, I think I actually did this shortly after watching this episode for some book I was supposed to be reading in school. Dana BLASTS the Lambert’s study habits, and they sarcastically mime being stabbed in the heart. I think I actually started doing THAT in life as well. Holy shit, this is one of the most influential opening scenes of a sitcom ever, between invisible heart stab, movie book report, and mixing chocolate milk in my mouth and swallowing (a practice I detest so much today that I refer to it as “putting a retard in your stomach.”), this show has taught me a lot about being a stupid fuck-up.  Next up is a worthless scene where Frank and Carol talk about being filth. Frank is thinking maybe they’d be “goin’ to bed early and going to sleep late.” (this means they’d bone past their bedtime, very irresponsible). Carol is too tired, and just wants to take a bath. BY HERSELF, much to Franks chagrin. Frank asks if he can watch. “No, but if you’re real good I could tape it for you” Carol says. Did you two faggots learn nothing from European Vacation? But also, imagine the reality of receiving a tape of your wife taking a bath, and she’s literally just taking a bath and nothing else. Even if she started jerking off it’d just be creepy and weird, unless she added some sexy incidental music. For some reason I don’t think Carol knows how to operate the family Avid.
After some discussion between Frank and JT (asking for money LIKE ALWAYS) and a hilarious mishap in the previous scene involving J.T crossing his legs and spilling water all over the place (meaning, of course, that he filled his nut-sack up with water and it popped during the leg-cross), it is decided that JT should work for Frank part-time to make the cash he needs so badly. Frank is all excited, getting him his own tool belt (which JT can’t handle the weight of in a very comical fashion) and hard hat with “J.T.” printed on it (to warn anybody else to not wear it out of fear of getting lice, or in JT’s case, mice). JT is anything but excited about this idea, but Frank is all proud and shit.  Cut to the backyard. Dana is having trouble with her abstract sculpture. It looks too much like a birdhouse. Al shows up to lampoon it with CRUELTY. But then they realize that they are each much more suited for each other’s homework assignment (Al’s of course being the book report on Tom Sawyer). They come up with a plan that old Tom Sawyer himself would be proud of: they decide to swap homework assignments. Though I believe there’s a little Tom and Huck inside all of us, I’m not too sure there’s enough inside these two girls for them to pull off THIS monkey shine. Note: This following paragraph is simply comprised of the notes that I wrote while I was watching it. I decided the rough notes presented here suit the material much better than a proper, eloquent paragraph ever could. So here it is:
JT has fucked up. He glued the tool box to the board. He has cut through the powersaw powercord. He has put a hammer through a piece of drywall. He has pulled a nail out of a board that was apparently holding up an entire wall. He has screwed up so bad.
Later, JT wanders into a swamped Carol in their in-home beauty salon. Carol begs JT to help out by giving a customer a shampoo. “I don’t even like shampooing my OWN hair!” JT moans. Read into that joke however you want, but what I got out of it was that JT doesn’t NEED to shampoo his own hair because Mark happily volunteers to do it for him every shower. He’s working up the nerve to ask to shampoo JT’s dick. So anyway, a beautiful young lady walks out of the shampoo room and JT happily agrees to shampoo her hair. Raw deal, toots, don’t you know all the cookie crumbs and snail slime on JT’s hands are going to cancel out any shampooing that goes on? You might as well dunk your head in a CGI Lake and call it a fucking day. I wonder why they didn’t get Mark to help out in the salon? Maybe he did once and it didn’t take? Like he spilled some shampoo on a girl’s tits and it traumatized him, explaining why he wears a wig (Editorial note from the future: I wrote this joke, and I don’t even get it). Oh well, JT is happy to help, charming the pants off an about-to-be-married lady, making all her dreams come true. But you know who isn’t happy about this? Take a fucking guess. I’ll give you a hint: He’s married to Carol and they have this exchange:  Frank (okay, so it’s Frank): He’s a man! He should be working with his hands!
I bet Carol wishes you’d work with your fingers once in a while, pinky dick. Maybe she’d invite you on one of her sexy baths. So it turns out Frank is just disappointed that JT is not cut out to take on the family business. Frank had a wonderful dream to call his business “Lambert & Son.” Come on Frank, take a cue from the episode title and go with “Frank & Son.” It sounds like Frankincense, and you’ll get a shitload of bookings from Christians wanting a manger built. That, or you’ll get bookings from mad scientists who want to build a playhouse for their children. That’d be for different reasons. Get it? Frank & Son/Frankenson? You get it, right?  Brendon enters to a glum Frank, realizing that his dream will go unfulfilled. Brendon offers him a pickle. Better not eat that in front of Frank, kid, he’s going to fucking flip. Frank asks Brendon if he’d be interested in working for him some day. Brendon declines. He must’ve known he’d be axed from the series before labor laws would allow him to work.  Al and Dana’s homework agreement has lead to a moral quandary on Dana’s part, who decides it’d be better not to cheat. This escalates to an on-the-ground fight between Dana and, let me once again remind you, PRE-PUBERTY AL, playing tug-of-war with the book report Dana wrote for her. I’m sorry, you just can’t do ANYTHING with this scene, try as you might.  Frank breaks it up, and notices Al’s birdhouse. Say, she’s a pretty good little carpenter there! The wheels turn in Frank’s head as he imagines his new business: FRANK & AL CONSTRUCTION! Complete with a logo of an upside-down Al Franken who wear’s glasses on his feet, shoes on his hands, and is nice to fans when they ask for an autograph.  The End: Frank and Carol realize they are alone in the house and decide to sink each other’s battleships in the bathtub. Ugh. Fat Lady Watch: Yeah, let’s end this on a more positive note. The useless fat ladies are seen working in the beauty salon. Newsflash: everyone in the salon is a cunt! Did I mention this in the scene?
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