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Rated: PG | Runtime 91 | AKA: All Ab(Life Preserver)ard! Rosie's Family Cruise
Jixby Phillips |
Mark Riddles |
Jixby Phillips: …we both don't like him very much.
Jixby Phillips: Actually, I can’t imagine anybody actually likes him.
Jixby Phillips: He used to be a nice normal guy.
Jixby Phillips: But he's gone nuts thanks to falling in with easily impressed scumbags.
Mark Riddles: That’s what happened with my ex best-friend.
Mark Riddles: He hangs out with his 14 year old cousins now and buys them booze.
Mark Riddles: Just because they think he's the coolest guy on earth with his pierced ears.
Jixby Phillips: What is he, a GIRL?
Jixby Phillips: with those EARS?
Mark Riddles: I don’t know what happened.
Mark Riddles: One minute he's the funniest guy I know…
Mark Riddles: Then he dates a girl who pierces his ears.
Jixby Phillips: Remember in 80s movies when characters had pierced ears and they'd get called girls?
Jixby Phillips: Can we please bring that back?
Mark Riddles: And then he's a bitter racist who wants to be a gangster…
Mark Riddles: It was literally overnight.
Jixby Phillips: Mark you gotta admit though…
Jixby Phillips: Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
Mark Riddles: Ugh.
Mark Riddles: He also apparently has horrible acne now.
Mark Riddles: Ugh, and his cousin is gross.
Mark Riddles: My REAL friend linked me to his myspace.
Mark Riddles: He's 14 years old and he weighs 300 pounds.
Mark Riddles: He looks like Jackie Gleason.
Jixby Phillips: Hahaha!
Mark Riddles: The background of his myspace is a bottle of beer.
Jixby Phillips: For his homies, I assume.
Mark Riddles: Also, they are all Italian but they have Irish flags on their myspace…
Mark Riddles: …because they all love the Boondock Saints.
Jixby Phillips: Fuck.
Mark Riddles: It’s like every friendship deal-breaker in the book.
Mark Riddles: And it happened all in junior year.
Mark Riddles: One fatal swoop.
Mark Riddles: It’s like an eagle picked him up and dumped him in a mug of shit.
Mark Riddles: It’s a bit nutty
Jixby Phillips: An eagle!
Jixby Phillips: Yes, an eagle.
Mark Riddles: Here he goes!
Mark Riddles: I’m watching the scene wear he drinks shit.
Mark Riddles: Hahahaha!
Mark Riddles: He said it.
Mark Riddles: I could see why our former president loved it.
Editors Note: Please refer to this comic.
Jixby Phillips: I wish he could run again.
Mark Riddles: "I wish I was that cup." - GWB
Jixby Phillips: He already is, Mark.
Jixby Phillips: He’s full of shit.
Mark Riddles: Nice.
Jixby Phillips: And he’s a bit nutty.
Mark Riddles: http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1297/844797707_378504c0b7.jpg
Mark Riddles: You see that bull mascot?
Mark Riddles: He got arrested for drunk driving IN COSTUME.
Jixby Phillips: He saw red.
Mark Riddles: …and he almost killed someone with a t-shirt cannon ala Maude Flanders
Jixby Phillips: The problem is he chased after the shirts after he fired them.
Mark Riddles: Man, Maude Flanders dying was like the biggest who gives a shit moment in TV history.
Mark Riddles: Right up there with Rosie's big fat return to TV.
Mark Riddles: She still talks like a 4th grader on her blog.
Jixby Phillips: HI KIDDOS THX 4 COMING 2 MY BLOG
Mark Riddles: On Entertainment Tonight or one of those stupid things they were talking about how her variety show failed…
Mark Riddles: …and it said:
Mark Riddles: "YESTERDAY ROSIE RESPONSED TO HER FANS"
Mark Riddles: "IT WASNT MENT TO B, IM SRY IT DIDNT WORK OUT"
Mark Riddles: Rosie O'Donnell: pushing 50 years old.
Mark Riddles: Can't be arsed to add an E to BE.
Jixby Phillips: God.
Jixby Phillips: Is there just nobody in her life who’s willing to sit her down and tell her she looks like an idiot when she does that?
Mark Riddles: Nope.
Mark Riddles: She's not well liked.
Mark Riddles: She's the female Chevy.
Jixby Phillips: Call me AOL.
Mark Riddles: Oh god.
Mark Riddles: Hahahahaha!
Mark Riddles: I just found…
Mark Riddles: …the dumbest fucking VHS cover ever.
Mark Riddles: Or whatever, DVD.
Mark Riddles: I don’t know.
Mark Riddles: All I know is that it made me howl.
Mark Riddles: Even louder than Munchies
Mark Riddles: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_Aboard!_Rosie%27s_Family_Cruise
Jixby Phillips: AGG!!!
Mark Riddles: Oh man, I change my mind for the Billy Idol parody:
Mark Riddles: Rosie singing…
Mark Riddles: "NICE DAY FOR A...GAY FAMILY CRUISE"
Mark Riddles: And then it shows her ass and you hear a loud boat horn as she goes up the steps.
Jixby Phillips: Hahahahaha!
Mark Riddles: “When the ship stops in the Bahamas, the cruise members are met with much backlash and protesting from the local Christian community, though interviews show that there were many locals who didn't have a problem with homosexuality and did not agree with the action of the protesters. Despite this, the trip continued as normal to the end.”
Mark Riddles: Oh man.
Mark Riddles: What if it just faded to black when the protestors show up.
Mark Riddles: Then it’s a movie with a message.
Mark Riddles: You see the protesters…
Mark Riddles: A shot of someone loading a gun…
Mark Riddles: And then the frightened look on Rosie's face…
Mark Riddles: Cut to black.
Mark Riddles: 5 minutes of silence.
Mark Riddles: “NICE DAY FOR A.....GAY FAMILY CRUISE”
Mark Riddles: Credits roll.
Mark Riddles: Rosie goes indie.
Mark Riddles: IMDB Trivia: It was Ms. O'Donnell's intention for the viewers to believe that her family was murdered on the cruise and that the ship was set aflame. Subtle sounds of a burning boat were supposed to appear at the end of the credits, but did not make the final audio mix.
Jixby Phillips: Hahaha!
Mark Riddles: Oh man…
Mark Riddles: I just noticed:
Mark Riddles: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d1/T80848ehchw.jpg
Mark Riddles: The boat makes a rainbow trail.
Jixby Phillips: Are you kiddin’ me? That’s the first thing I noticed!
Jixby Phillips: But instead of a pot of gold there’s a pot of shit at the end.
Mark Riddles: It’s a bit nutty.
Jixby Phillips: Hahaha!
Mark Riddles: Well, the first thing I noticed was Captain Rosie.
Mark Riddles: …then I looked at the font…
Mark Riddles: And that was enough for me.
Jixby Phillips: Originally the “O” was gonna be a butt-hole.
Mark Riddles: Hahaha!
Jixby Phillips: And Rosie said NO ITS GOTTA BE SOMETHING I CAN FIT AROUND MY WAIST!
Jixby Phillips: But they chose a life preserver anyway.
Mark Riddles: Hahahaha!
Mark Riddles: Man, when does she not scream?
Mark Riddles: I can’t think of her talking without screaming.
Mark Riddles: HEY KIDDOS ITS ME
Mark Riddles: IM YOUR GAY FAT REGIS PHILBAN
Jixby Phillips: Hahaha!
Mark Riddles: She was originally going to play Beetlejuice but she kept showing Winona Ryder her tits.
Jixby Phillips: She’s gotta get a piece of that.
Mark Riddles: Do you think she went gay because Tom Cruise is allegedly gay?
Jixby Phillips: Haha!
Mark Riddles: Whoa, wait a second...
Mark Riddles: Gay...
Mark Riddles: Tom Cruise...
Mark Riddles: GAY CRUISE
Mark Riddles: IT ALL MAKES SENSE
Mark Riddles: ITS LIKE NATIONAL TREASURE BUT WITH ROSIES STUPID DVD
Jixby Phillips: Haha!
Mark Riddles: I just notice this:
Mark Riddles: Even the title of the movie is shouting.
Mark Riddles: It has a exclamation point.
Jixby Phillips: Only Zuckers are allowed to shout their titles.
Mark Riddles: That’s why the “Whos the Boss” film MONA! was cancelled.
Mark Riddles: Everyone on AST renounced my gay cruise theory.
Jixby Phillips: Those guys need to get their heads in the game.
Jixby Phillips: ...in the gay-me.
Mark Riddles: “On an episode of Passions, Josh had a line that went, ‘Timmy could go on a talk show, Timmy could meet Rosie!’ and on May 29th 2002, he went on Rosie and that footage was shown.”
Mark Riddles: Man.
Mark Riddles: We have a new winner for the who-gives-a-shit moment in television.
Jixby Phillips: Hahahahaha!
Mark Riddles: We should make a review page for “All Aboard: Rosie's Family Cruise.”
Mark Riddles: And have it just be this chat log.
Jixby Phillips: Hahah!
Jixby Phillips: I love that idea!
Jixby Phillips: Reviewing stuff just based on the cover.
Mark Riddles: To be fair I read the synopsis too.
Mark Riddles: LETS BE FAIR
Mark Riddles: TO ME
Mark Riddles: THE CONDESCENDER
Mark Riddles: All aboard, kiddos.
Jixby Phillips: Man, I just love the idea of clicking a review:
Jixby Phillips: "Oh man, this looks horrible"
Jixby Phillips: We could fill up a book full of reviews like that.
Mark Riddles: Yeah
Mark Riddles: Unfair movie reviews.
Jixby Phillips: Hahaha!
Mark Riddles: Actually in Rosie’s case it's perfectly fair.
Jixby Phillips: GET OFF MY SHELF
Mark Riddles: No one wants to see Rosie get licked on a boat.
Jixby Phillips: Hahahaha!
Mark Riddles: The DVD has porn extras HBO DIDNT WANT YOU TO SEE
Jixby Phillips: "Come on, lick me a little!" Rosie says to Paula Poundstone
Mark Riddles: Hahaha!
Mark Riddles: Paula is there for the kids.
Mark Riddles: She wouldn’t come unless it was a family cruise.
Mark Riddles: *cum
Mark Riddles: Please don't add this part to the review.
Mark Riddles: I crossed the line of rude 8 sentences ago
Jixby Phillips: Hahah!
Mark Riddles: Rosie goes to the barbershop...
Mark Riddles: ...Before the ship...
Mark Riddles: ...and goes:
Mark Riddles: GIVE ME A TOM CRUISE
Mark Riddles: ...Because she is going to reenact “Eyes Wide Shut” on that Boat.
Mark Riddles: Okay kiddos, GO TO BED (puts on mask)!”
Jixby Phillips: Everything she says on that movie you see a speech bubble coming out of her mouth and its written how she would write it on her blog.
Mark Riddles: Hahaha!
Mark Riddles: There is a scene where Rosie goes overboard.
Mark Riddles: And it's about to fade to the words "ROSIE O'DONNELL 1961-2008" but she comes up for air and goes "WAIT WAIT WAIT"
Mark Riddles: Like the editor just assumed...
Mark Riddles: ...that she would sink like a stone.
Jixby Phillips: “IT AINT OVER TILL THE FAT LADY SINGS, AND I AINT SINGIN' A NOTE!”
Mark Riddles: Isn’t it funny...
Mark Riddles: ...on her variety show...
Mark Riddles: ...she sang...
Mark Riddles: ...and it was over in one episode.
Jixby Phillips: "Is that one fat enough for ya, homer man?"
Jixby Phillips: (Bart Sampson was in the audience)
01.21.2009
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