 Mark Riddles: That’s what we in the industry call it. Mark Riddles: “A freeze.” Mark Riddles: Of all management of files. Mark Riddles: We are frozen like the caveman fucking lawyer. Mark Riddles: Man. Mark Riddles: We are more froze than Amanda Bynes, that frigid bitch. Jixby Phillips: Amanda Bynes made me laugh once on the Letterman show. Mark Riddles: Did she say Freddie Muniz's dick had freckles? Jixby Phillips: She painted a picture of Letterman (using this photo) and when she gave it to him they were previously talking about David’s then-new son Harry. Jixby Phillips: And she goes "You and Harry can..." (she realizes that there is not much a baby can do with a painting for fun and that lumping Harry in with David’s enjoyment of the painting was a bad decision) "…stand… by it". Jixby Phillips: And David Letterman started cackling and wheezing. Jixby Phillips: Really it was the combination of those two things. Mark Riddles: Are you sure he wasn't dying? Jixby Phillips: I am sure he was. Jixby Phillips: Because he died within the hour. Mark Riddles: His son harry never got to tell him he was gay. Jixby Phillips: Haha! Nice slam on Harry! Mark Riddles: Harry the gay baby Letterman. Mark Riddles: He should of named the kid “Letterbaby.” Mark Riddles: Then he can go "Letterbaby, you are a long way from becoming a Letterman." Jixby Phillips: That’s a great idea for a Saturday morning cartoon show. Jixby Phillips: “LETTERBABIES.” Mark Riddles: And then when he actually grows up he has a nice story to tell his wife on their wedding day. Mark Riddles: "This is why my name is Letterbaby." Mark Riddles: "And if you don't want to marry me because of it, that's okay too" Jixby Phillips: Haha! Mark Riddles: And then you see the bride-to-be walk up to Dave (who is talking to Sarah Silverman, for some god-awful reason she was invited) and the bride goes “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM?” Mark Riddles: “YOU ARE A TERRIBLE FATHER!” Mark Riddles: And then she walks out and he tells Sarah Silverman "I should of named him Harry." Jixby Phillips: Sarah Silverman goes "what, hairy BALLS, nigger-face?" Mark Riddles: No no no! Mark Riddles: She just frowns and shakes her head in agreement. Mark Riddles: She has no speaking roles in this movie. Mark Riddles: And then the scene dissolves to Dave in an empty banquet hall eating a shrimp cocktail. Mark Riddles: And he looks disappointed. Mark Riddles: The DJ is there. Mark Riddles: And he's playing “Forever Young.” Mark Riddles: And Dave decides to spell the words Harry in shrimp. Mark Riddles: And he was all "I had to name him Letterbaby." Jixby Phillips: Haha! Mark Riddles: "WHAT AM I, JASON LEE?" Mark Riddles: And the DJ laughs. Mark Riddles: And Dave goes "YOU ARENT PAUL, SHUTUP!" Mark Riddles: And then it comes to David. Mark Riddles: I FORGOT TO INVITE PAUL! Jixby Phillips: Haha, this is a great movie! Mark Riddles: And then the scene cuts to Paul stuck in a tree with an angry dog barking from below. Mark Riddles: And he's like "DAVE WHERE DID YOU GOOOO?" Mark Riddles: As if Dave left him there to attend his son Letterbaby's wedding. Mark Riddles: Left him to DIE. Jixby Phillips: Hahaha! Mark Riddles: And then in the sequel LETTERBABY III (the first movie is named “The Legend of Letterbaby: The Sequel”)… Mark Riddles: Dave is trying to do a show. Mark Riddles: Hut he notices Paul isn’t back (he is still in the tree). Mark Riddles: So he messed up his jokes. Mark Riddles: And he's got this kid who made the biggest ball of yarn. Mark Riddles: And he keeps calling him "fatkid". Mark Riddles: And he’s like "I’m sorry, if Paul was here I would call you by your Christian name." Mark Riddles: "But I’m Amish" the kid protests. Mark Riddles: And Letterman goes "I guess you won’t be making a ball of electricity anytime soon, ey fatkid?" Mark Riddles: And he looks to the band all mad. Mark Riddles: "What? Nothing?" Jixby Phillips: so the whole movie is fatkid and Dave talking Jixby Phillips: and the audience isn’t laughing? Mark Riddles: No, there’s more. Mark Riddles: So Dave is like: Mark Riddles: “I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WHERE IT ALL BEGAN!” Mark Riddles: And then someone in the audience goes: Mark Riddles: “BUT DAVE, YOU GOT A SHOW TO DO WITH THIS FAT KID!” Mark Riddles: And the kid frowns. Mark Riddles: And Dave is like "THE SHOW MUST GO ON!" Mark Riddles: But he leaves anyway. Jixby Phillips: Haha! Mark Riddles: And then the audience member is like “OH FINE ILL DO IT!” Jixby Phillips: Dave is such a colossal jerk. Mark Riddles: And he gets up there and he's like "SO DID YOU ALL SEE TED DANSEN DO BLACKFACE?" Mark Riddles: "GOOD THING HE DIDN’T DO ASIAN FACE, OR WE WOULD BE ALL OUT OF MONEY! HUH? HUH?" Mark Riddles: That's his idea of a joke. Mark Riddles: That Asian would go for broke. Mark Riddles: And start a national deficit. Mark Riddles: He explains this excruciatingly. Mark Riddles: …as a voice over. Mark Riddles: …as Dave drives to find Paul. Mark Riddles: And where does he start? Mark Riddles: THE BANQUET HALL! Mark Riddles: Where he first realized he forgot Paul. Mark Riddles: And the owner is like, "We have a funeral booked in that area, sir." Mark Riddles: And Dave is like "Yeah, what do you know?" Mark Riddles: And he goes in there while the grieving people are eating. Mark Riddles: And he is like: Mark Riddles: “I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST” Mark Riddles: “…TO THE DEAD GUY” Mark Riddles: Even though it was a dead woman... Mark Riddles: …as shown in the mural behind Dave. Jixby Phillips: Hahah! Mark Riddles: And he’s like “EVERYONE LIFT YOUR GLASSES!” Mark Riddles: And they all do it begrudgingly. Mark Riddles: So he’s like: Mark Riddles: “OKAY HERE’S MY TOAST…” Mark Riddles: “…HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN PAUL SHAFFER?” Mark Riddles: “I FORGOT TO INVITE HIM TO MY SON LETTERBABY'S WEDDING.” Mark Riddles: And then some guy at the banquet goes "THEN WHY WOULD YOU COME HERE? DID YOU TRY THAT TREE, DAVE?" Mark Riddles: And Dave is like "WAIT DO YOU MEAN THE TREE?" Mark Riddles: And the guy goes "YEAH, THE TREE, YOU ASSHOLE, I SHOULD MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF YOU!" Mark Riddles: And then the guy just stars insulting Dave. Mark Riddles: But Dave is not listening, he’s like "THE TREE! OF COURSE!" Mark Riddles: And he takes his glass of wine… Mark Riddles: …and dumps it on the face of the mural of the dead woman. Mark Riddles: And leaves. Mark Riddles: Everyone is shocked. Mark Riddles: So he goes to the tree, only to find a pair of broken sunglasses. Jixby Phillips: Oh no, can I guess? Jixby Phillips: PAUL IS NOW ON THE BACK OF THE DOG Jixby Phillips: AND HE’S ON A WILD RIDE Jixby Phillips: AROUND THE CITY Mark Riddles: No, no, NO! Jixby Phillips: "DAAAAAAAAVE!" Jixby Phillips: "HELLLLLLP!" Mark Riddles: This is a tragedy! Mark Riddles: So Dave sits down by the tree with the glasses and Dave goes: Mark Riddles: "Well this just sucks. After 20 years I found out I blew it with my son’s name, I lost my band leader, and I let some jerk take over my show. I bet he's doing a good job too." Mark Riddles: And the scene cuts to the guy sitting in Dave’s desk reading a porno mag. Mark Riddles: All "I could get USED to THIS!" Jixby Phillips: Haha! Jixby Phillips: How does this all end? Mark Riddles: So Dave is like: Mark Riddles: “THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO MAKE THIS RIGHT!” Mark Riddles: And he rests his head on the tree… Mark Riddles: …and falls asleep for 21 years. Mark Riddles: And then an elderly Paul wakes him up. Mark Riddles: "DAVE, WAKE UP!" Mark Riddles: And Letterman has a full beard. Mark Riddles: And Paul is like "Well Dave, you done it this time, YOU RIP VAN WINKLE’D YOUR WAY OUT OF A PROBLEM!" Mark Riddles: Dave is all "What happened to you? I thought you turned into these broken pair of glasses!" Mark Riddles: And Paul is like "Dave, I just went home and jerked off! It was a dog, not a monster!" Mark Riddles: And Dave is like "what does that mean?" Mark Riddles: Paul is like "THAT DOESNT MATTER, WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU GET THAT PERVERT OUT OF YOUR DESK AND TAKE BACK YOUR SHOW!" Mark Riddles: And Dave is like "But Paul, it's been 21 years," as if he knows how long he’s been asleep, "…do you think it's too late?" Mark Riddles: And Paul is like "Was it too late for Letterbaby to commit suicide over his terrible first name?" Mark Riddles: And David is like "Excuse me?" Mark Riddles: And Paul is like "Whoops, I forgot you were asleep for 21 years, I’ll tell you over brunch." Mark Riddles: And Dave walks back to the studio. Mark Riddles: And the audience is all “LOOK, DAVE'S BACK!” Mark Riddles: And they applaud. Mark Riddles: And the lights are blinding them. Mark Riddles: And Paul just fucking wrestles that guy out of the chair. Mark Riddles: And he’s all "Okay, okay! I’ll leave, let me go!" Mark Riddles: And he's bleeding. Mark Riddles: And Paul won’t stop. Jixby Phillips: Paul is brutal. Mark Riddles: And so with his last bit of strength… Mark Riddles: …the man drops a rose from his hand… Mark Riddles: And then Dave walks to his desk… Mark Riddles: …rubs his hand on it… Mark Riddles: And then sits in his seat. Mark Riddles: And Dave is like "Well, at least my seat’s still warm!" Mark Riddles: And the audience laughs and gives him a standing ovation. Mark Riddles: And Dave is all "I DID IT EVERYBODY!" Mark Riddles: "I DID IT." Jixby Phillips: Is fatkid still there, unaged? Mark Riddles: And the screen flashes “Letterbaby III” Mark Riddles: And the screen freezes and turns black and white. Mark Riddles: And “Forever Young” starts playing. Mark Riddles: And then there is a message at the end of the credits… Mark Riddles: “IN MEMORY OF MEREDITH SIMMS, SORRY FOR DAVE CRASHING YOUR FUNERAL. HE CAN BE A JERK SOMETIMES AND HIS HAND GETS TIRED.” Jixby Phillips: Haha! Jixby Phillips: Nice reference to da ting DA TING:Back to Letterdude |
