Helpful Hints: how to stop smoking

(originally appeared in the November 20, 2002 issue of the Advance Titan)


With the Great American Smokeout on Nov. 21, there’s no better time than the present to kick the filthy habit of smoking. However, it can be extremely difficult to quit smoking. Here are some tips to help you stop forever.



  • Pay attention to UW-Oshkosh’s highly successful “You know you want to ... stop smoking!” ad campaign. After all, it helped 34 percent of Oshkosh smokers quit. All you have to do is hump a computer, watch two horned-frogs copulate and be as annoying as humanly possible.

  • Cigarettes are filled with tar. All you have to do to get over your cravings is start huffing tar. You’ll get the same sensation, without smoking.

  • Invent a time machine and travel back in time to when you started smoking. Tell yourself to never smoke, and you won’t be addicted anymore. But be careful. If you mess with the past too much you’ll mess up the future. Everyone will have toasters for hands and they’ll worship Bill Cosby, except they’ll call him Neo-Jesus ... or something.

  • There is no benefit to smoking cigarettes. Instead, smoke cigars or pipe tobacco.

  • Some people have a great craving for a cigarette after having sex. To remedy this problem, never, ever have sex.

  • You can take up a new hobby to help get your mind off of smoking. Try gambling.

  • Nobody likes a smoker. That’s why you’re so unpopular and you have no friends. Loser.

  • Chewing tobacco is very addictive and extremely disgusting. If you start chewing, you’ll completely forget you were ever addicted to cigarettes.

  • Quitting “cold turkey” has nothing to do with stealing lunch meat from the grocery store.

  • They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, but you’ll never really know what licking an ashtray is like until you’ve actually done it.

  • Just say no.






The only things I have are my intellectual property and mycollection of plastic souvenir cups from Taco Bell commemorating the release of "Batman Returns."  So if you steal the former well then I might just have to kill himself.  Everything on this site is copyright Chris Becker, except for the pictures I stole and then Photoshopped the crap out of.  If for some bizarre reason you want to reprint any of  bullplop written here, or just want to send me any death threats or marriage proposals, contact Chris Becker at beckec89(at)uwosh(dot)edu.