Helpful Hints: getting along with your roommate

(originally appeared in the September 25, 2002 issue of the Advance Titan)


For many students the initial shock of meeting a new roommate has worn off and they are now faced with the task of coexisting peacefully with a complete stranger. Here are some hints to have a serene relationship with your roommate.



  • Accompany your roommate at all times. Make sure you are always holding hands and never cross streets alone.

  • Boss your roommate around. If he/she doesn’t do exactly what you say, set his/her bed on fire.

  • If you are dealing drugs out of your dorm room, make sure you never tell your roommate.

  • When drawing a big white line dividing the room into two equal halves, remember to take the half with the door.

  • Remember: A sock tied to the doorknob means, "Come in quick! I need help!"

  • Your roommate will have lots of delicious food in your room. Your roommate probably won’t mind that much if you eat most of it.

  • If the police ever knock on your door, make sure you stash all your alcohol, drugs and firearms in your roommate’s closet. Do you know how much those tickets are? Jesus. Better your roommate then you.

  • If your roommate goes to a party and isn’t home before midnight, call the police and give them the address of the party. Better safe than sorry, especially with all those child abductions you hear about.

  • Doing laundry can be expensive and tedious. Instead of doing laundry, just start wearing your roommate’s clothes when you run out of your own.

  • Textbooks are often overpriced and rarely used. Convince your roommate not to purchase textbooks, but to spend the money on alcohol instead. Then, drink your roommate’s alcohol.

  • Remember you can use all of your roommate’s expensive electronics without being careful not to break them. After all, it’s somebody else’s stuff.

  • Ever see the movie "Dead Man on Campus?" Its about how a college student can get straight A’s if he kills his roommate but makes it look like a suicide? I bet that would work in real life.

  • To make sure your roommate knows what is yours, urinate on everything in the room that belongs to you.

  • Never look at, speak with or spend any time with your roommate.






The only things I have are my intellectual property and mycollection of plastic souvenir cups from Taco Bell commemorating the release of "Batman Returns."  So if you steal the former well then I might just have to kill himself.  Everything on this site is copyright Chris Becker, except for the pictures I stole and then Photoshopped the crap out of.  If for some bizarre reason you want to reprint any of  bullplop written here, or just want to send me any death threats or marriage proposals, contact Chris Becker at beckec89(at)uwosh(dot)edu.