Helpful Hints: how to get a job

(originally appeared in the May 7, 2003 issue of the Advance Titan)


Whether you’re graduating at the end of the semester and you’re looking to join the workforce or you’re just looking for a summer job to help you pay for tuition next fall, here are some helpful hints to help you land that choice job you deserve.



  • Athletes make a lot of money for just playing sports. Send your resume to a professional baseball team. Maybe your degree in philosophy and your minor in history will land you the job of left fielder for the Boston Red Sox.

  • If you are having trouble finding a job, stand next to the freeway with a sign that says “will work for food” and see what kind of offers you get.

  • Apply for LighterSide editor of the Advance-Titan. It’s not like anyone could possibly do it any worse than me.

  • You can get a job at McDonald’s that pays six bucks an hour. That’s almost 50 bucks a day. Do you know how much beer you can buy with that?

  • If you are required to take a drug test and it shows up positive for opium, don’t tell your potential employer that you’ve been smoking huge amounts of opium. Instead, say you’re addicted to poppy-seed bagels.

  • You won’t get a good job unless you have experience, and you can only get experience from a good job. Just give up and spend the rest of your life working in a supermarket.

  • Only sellouts get jobs, you sellout. I hope you enjoy working for the man. Fucking sellout.

  • If an interviewer asks what kind of on-the-job experience you have, just say “how am I supposed to get experience unless you hire me?” This will make the interviewer think you are a genius, especially if you scream it while you’re crying.

  • You load 16 tons, and what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt. St. Peter don’t you call me ‘cause I can’t go; I owe my soul to the company store.






The only things I have are my intellectual property and mycollection of plastic souvenir cups from Taco Bell commemorating the release of "Batman Returns."  So if you steal the former well then I might just have to kill himself.  Everything on this site is copyright Chris Becker, except for the pictures I stole and then Photoshopped the crap out of.  If for some bizarre reason you want to reprint any of  bullplop written here, or just want to send me any death threats or marriage proposals, contact Chris Becker at beckec89(at)uwosh(dot)edu.