Helpful Hints: enjoying the holiday season

(originally appeared in the December 11, 2002 issue of the Advance Titan)




  • Instead of making traditional holiday treats such as fruitcake, fudge or Christmas cookies, make more creative dishes. For example, make an edible manger scene out of sweets and watch your friends and family enjoy devouring baby Jesus.

  • Christmas lights are good decorations. To prove to your neighbors that you have the most holiday cheer, cover your house with lights until it glows like the freaking sun.

  • If you don’t know what to buy for your friends, why not get them a gift certificate for their favorite store? In addition to letting them pick out their own gifts, you’re also letting them know what a lazy jerk you are.

  • Eggnog is a holiday tradition and a tasty drink. Also, it can get you totally plastered.

  • Remember, Christmas is the celebration of Jesus’ birthday. And if you forget to get Jesus a birthday present, he’s going to be really pissed.

  • Fake Christmas trees have certain advantages over real trees. For example, you can leave a fake Christmas tree up all year without worrying about it dying.

  • New Year’s Eve is the one of the world’s biggest parties. And because most of the world is going to be completely loaded, I think it’s only fair that Paraguay should be the designated driver.

  • If you hate your relatives, knit them presents instead of buying them good ones. You're family will never talk to you again.






The only things I have are my intellectual property and mycollection of plastic souvenir cups from Taco Bell commemorating the release of "Batman Returns."  So if you steal the former well then I might just have to kill himself.  Everything on this site is copyright Chris Becker, except for the pictures I stole and then Photoshopped the crap out of.  If for some bizarre reason you want to reprint any of  bullplop written here, or just want to send me any death threats or marriage proposals, contact Chris Becker at beckec89(at)uwosh(dot)edu.