Helpful Hints: have a fun and safe halloween

(originally appeared in the October 30, 2002 issue of the Advance Titan)


Halloween can be one of the most fun holidays of the year. It can also be dangerous if the right precautions aren’t taken. Here are some costume tips, places to go, and do’s and don’ts to a responsible All Hollow’s Eve.



  • Going trick-or-treating is fun and a great way to get free candy. However, people may object to a college student in a costume asking for sweets. If anyone refuses to give you candy, tell them you are an idiot man-child and you have the mind of a 5-year-old.

  • There are many insane maniacs lurking about on Halloween night. If you have small children going trick or treating, make sure you give them a gun for protection.

  • Instead of spending a lot of money on an expensive costume, you can make your own. Jam a screwdriver in your forehead and you can go to a costume party dressed as someone with a screwdriver in his/her forehead.

  • If you are bothered by children who come to your house to trick or treat just give them things they will hate such as toothpaste, religious pamphlets or plastic bags that contain 10 pennies. Next year, not a single child will come to your house.

  • There are maniacs who like to hand out candy or fruit stuffed with deadly foreign objects to children on Halloween. To make sure your children know to check everything that is given to them, fill their food with used syringes, razor blades and broken glass for a week before Halloween.

  • Halloween parties can be scary and fun. If you are throwing a Halloween party, make it memorable by sacrificing a virgin to Tiamat, the Babylonian god of chaos.

  • If you find yourself in an empty hospital on Halloween night and you see a man dressed as a janitor with a faded Captain Kirk mask marching toward you with a scalpel, run! For the love of God, run!

  • Remember, Halloween is a pagan holiday and goes completely against all decent religions. If you participate in any Halloween activities, including trick-or-treating, costume parties or watching the TV special “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” you will go to Hell.






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