Helpful Hints: be a cash-strapped, college gourmet

(originally appeared in the November 6, 2002 issue of the Advance Titan)


When you’re in college and strapped for cash, eating can be a real adventure. Here are some savory snack ideas that are delicious, nutritious and affordable.



  • Mayonnaise soup

  • Crud from under the refrigerator on toast

  • The wrapper ramen noodles come in

  • Shampoo

  • Garbage

  • Individual pepper packets

  • Tang orange juice mix without water

  • An old boot — cooked hobo style!

  • Bird seed stolen from your neighbors bird feeder

  • Flavored condoms

  • Tree bark and twigs

  • Go to a restaurant and steal a bunch of those free mints in a basket.

  • Imagination food

  • Your roommate’s face

  • Water sandwiches

  • Stray cats you’ve caught in “the trap”

  • Your own excrement

  • A $75 textbook

  • Cans of expired potted meat in the dumpster behind the commons

  • Why don’t you go eat some granola, you stupid, dirty hippies?

  • Copies of the Advance-Titan

  • Whatever they’re serving at the soup kitchen

  • The electric wiring inside the 62-inch high-definition plasma screen television you bought instead of food

  • Don’t eat anything. Let your digestive juices eat away at the walls of your stomach.






The only things I have are my intellectual property and mycollection of plastic souvenir cups from Taco Bell commemorating the release of "Batman Returns."  So if you steal the former well then I might just have to kill himself.  Everything on this site is copyright Chris Becker, except for the pictures I stole and then Photoshopped the crap out of.  If for some bizarre reason you want to reprint any of  bullplop written here, or just want to send me any death threats or marriage proposals, contact Chris Becker at beckec89(at)uwosh(dot)edu.