Helpful Hints: how to dodge the draft

(originally appeared in the February 26, 2003 issue of the Advance Titan)


With war looming on the horizon, many people are afraid that the current U.S. armed forces will not do enough to combat Iraq, North Korea and international terrorism. With conscription always a possibility, one question weighs heavily on the minds of America’s youth: If there was a draft, how could I get out of it? Here are some tips!



  • Use a hatchet to cut off your own thumbs (you might need someone to help you cut the second thumb off, as it is hard to hold a hatchet with just your fingers.) You can even get your big toes attached as new thumbs if the war ever ends.

  • Become the child of a prominent congressman.

  • Get arrested and go to jail.

  • They never draft accountants. I mean, would you?

  • Claim you're a "conscientious objector" who "objects to getting killed."

  • Tell.

  • Convince the draft board you have flat feet.

  • Beetle Bailey has been in the army for nearly 50 years and has yet to see actual combat. You’ll be just fine if you sleep for 18 hours a day, never do any work and get brutally beaten by your sergeant on a hourly basis.






The only things I have are my intellectual property and mycollection of plastic souvenir cups from Taco Bell commemorating the release of "Batman Returns."  So if you steal the former well then I might just have to kill himself.  Everything on this site is copyright Chris Becker, except for the pictures I stole and then Photoshopped the crap out of.  If for some bizarre reason you want to reprint any of  bullplop written here, or just want to send me any death threats or marriage proposals, contact Chris Becker at beckec89(at)uwosh(dot)edu.