AS I HAVE MADE DAMN SURE TO LET EVERYBODY KNOW, I LIVE IN A DISGUSTING STY OF MOSTLY CORRUGATED SHEET METAL AND PALM FRONDS, AND IT'S EVERYBODY ELSE'S FAULT BUT MY OWN. IT IS BECAUSE GOD WAS SPITEFUL ENOUGH TO MAKE ME BORN IN THE ASSHOLE OF JAMAICA, WHERE I COULD GET NO JOB BETTER THAN REFUGEE, HOTEL-RESTAURANT BUS BOY, OLYMPIC TRACK STAR OR VAGRANT. AND SINCE I CAN'T BUILD A BOAT, REFUSE TO SELL-OUT TO THE MAN OR NOT BE TOO LAZY TO TRAIN BY TRYING TO BEAT A WATCH IN A RACE, GUESS WHICH CAREER PATH I ENDED UP PURSUING?
BUT AS MUCH AS MY LIFE SUCKS, THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO HAVE IT WORSE THAN ME. AND I HATE THESE JERKS! THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT HOW TERRIBLE THEIR BLOOD-CLOT LIVES ARE AND HOW I SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE LIVES ARE MISERABLE AND THEY'RE ADDICTED TO HUFFING PEROXIDE, OR WHATEVER. WHAT KIND OF PRICK TRIES TO MAKE SOMEBODY FEEL GUILTY LIKE THAT!?
ANYWAY, ONE OF THESE LOW-LIFE BUMS IS MY COUSIN, VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN. YOU SEE, VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN ISN'T ANY POORER THAN ME (YOU CAN'T GET ANY POORER THAN "NOTHING"!), BUT BECAUSE VOODOO IS THE NUMBER ONE RELIGION PRACTICED IN HAITI, HE IS A ZOMBIE.
HE WASN'T ALWAYS A ZOMBIE. HE USED TO BE ALIVE. THEN HE DIED AND HE WASN'T ALIVE ANY MORE. THEN HIS DAMN-FOOL SON STOLE AND ATE A CHICKEN THAT BELONGED TO A WITCH DOCTOR, WHO OF COURSE RETALIATED BY PUTTING A CURSE ON VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN. NOW V.A. HAITIAN HAS TO ROAM THE EARTH FOR ALL ETERNITY, FEASTING ON HUMAN FLESH AND CHICKEN BLOOD. SO WHENEVER I SEE HIM HE'S ALWAYS WHINING ABOUT IT. IT'S ALWAYS "OH BOO HOO I ACCIDENTALLY ATE MY ENTIRE FAMILY BECAUSE I WAS SLEEP WALKING WHILE HUNGRY" THIS, OR "OH POOR ME THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY VILLAGE ARE ALWAYS SHOOTING ME AND SETTING ME ON FIRE BECAUSE I KEEP EATING THEIR CHICKENS AND THEIR CHILDREN, AND EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T BE KILLED IT STILL HURTS, OH WAH WAH HOW I WISH I WAS DEAD" THAT. WHAT A FUCKING BABY!
SO I WAS PRETTY PISSED RECENTLY WHEN I WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND FOUND A MOSTLY EATEN CORPSE WITH A NOTE JAMMED IN WHAT USED TO BE ITS NECK HOLE WASHED UP ON THE BEACH BY MY SHACK. IT WAS A NOTE FROM VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN SAYING HE WAS COMING FOR A VISIT, AND TO SEE IF I WOULD CO-SIGN ON A LOAN HE SAYS HE NEEDS TO TAKE OUT SO HE CAN START A T-SHIRT STORE. GODDAMMIT! AIN'T NOBODY GONNA GIVE HIS ZOMBIE-ASS NO LOAN! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT IDIOT? LORD HAVE MERCY!
SO HE GETS HERE, ALL MOANING AND SHUFFLING HIS FEET AND SUCH, AND THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS START COMPLAINING.
"OOOOOOH, I DON'T FEEL SO GREAT," THAT GODDAMN IDIOT STARTS RIGHT OFF WITH. "I FEEL KIND OF FAINT. I THINK MY BLOOD SUGAR IS TOO LOW. I HAVEN'T EATEN IN SO LONG. IF ONLY I COULD DEVOUR THE FETID FLESH OF THE LIVING AGAIN, I WOULD DEFINITELY BE ABLE TO THINK CLEARER AGAIN." WHAT A JERK! AFTER FAR TOO MUCH OF THAT I CAVED IN AND JUST LET HIM EAT ONE OF MY MANY BELLIGERENT CHILDREN, JUST TO SHUT HIM UP.
I GAVE HIM WHAT'S-HIS-FACE, THAT UGLY ONE. IT'S NOT LIKE HE WAS OF ANY USE TO ME WHATSOEVER, HE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS RETARDED ENOUGH TO TRY AND RESCUE THE OTHER CHILD WHO I MADE GO INTO THE SHARK-INFESTED WATERS AND RETRIEVE MY RASTA HAT AFTER IT BLEW OFF. WHAT A DUMBASS! NOT ONLY DID THE OTHER CHILD GET COMPLETELY DEVOURED BY SHARKS, BUT THE UGLY ONE GOT AN ARM, A LEG AND MOST OF HIS FACE EATEN OFF. HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN COMPLETELY EATEN EXCEPT THE SHARK GOT FULL, OR SOMETHING.
THE LITTLE BASTARD TRIED TO COME BACK TO LAND WITHOUT GETTING MY HAT, BUT I WOULDN'T LET HIM OUT OF THE WATER WITHOUT IT. I MADE HIM GO BACK OUT INTO THE RIPTIDE AND GET MY HAT, ALL BLOODY STUMPS AND EVERYTHING. THAT'S HOW HE LOST THE OTHER ARM.
BUT GIVING VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN THAT KID HAD THE EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT I WANTED. IT MADE HIM THINK HE COULD JUST MOOCH AND MOOCH OFF OF ME. I DIDN'T MIND IT SO MUCH WHEN HE DEVOURED MY NEIGHBOR'S CHICKENS, MY NEIGHBOR'S GOAT OR MY NEIGHBOR; I HATED MY NEIGHBOR ANYWAY. BUT WHEN HE ASKED TO EAT MY LITTLE TOE, AND I LET HIM, AND THEN WANTED TO EAT THE REST OF MY TOES BECAUSE THEY WERE "FINGER FOOD," AND HE COULDN'T "EAT JUST ONE," THAT'S WHEN HE HAD GONE JUST WAY TOO MOTHERFUCKING FAR!
I OBVIOUSLY COULDN'T KILL HIM, SO I NAILED HIS NECK TO A TREE AND WENT TO THE MISSIONARY CHURCH WHERE THE ASSHOLE AMERICANS WHO WILL GIVE ANY BROWN PERSON THEY SEE A SALTINE CRACKER FOR EACH TIME THEY CAN SAY A HAIL MARY PRAYER LIVE. I TOLD THEM THAT THERE WAS A SERVANT OF THE DEVIL OUTSIDE MY HOME AND I NEEDED THE POWER OF JESUS TO SEND HIM BACK TO HELL. LUCKILY, THE MISSIONARY WHOSE FINGER I BITE OFF MUST HAVE BEEN SENT BACK TO KENTUCKY, BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO MISSIONARIES THERE THAT DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME.
BY THE TIME WE HAD GOTTEN BACK TO MY SHANTY TOWN, THAT SON OF A BITCH VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN HAD EATEN TWO MORE OF MY CHILDREN. HE TRICKED THOSE MORONS INTO TRYING TO LET HIM DOWN, AND WHEN THEY GOT CLOSE TO THEM HE ATE THEIR FACES. YOU'D THINK VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN WOULD WAIT TO EAT THEM UNTIL AFTER HE WASN'T NAILED TO A TREE, BUT VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN IS FUNCTIONALLY RETARDED.
THE MISSIONARIES WENT RIGHT TO WORK ON VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN, EXCEPT THEIR IDEA OF HOW TO PERFORM AN EXORCISM IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THEIR IDEA OF HOW TO GET INDIGENOUS PEOPLE TO CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY. THEY JUST KEPT READING HIM BIBLE PASSAGES AND KEPT TELLING HIM THAT JESUS FORGIVES HIM EVERY TIME VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN TRIED TO EAT THEIR FACES. EVENTUALLY I REALIZED THAT THIS BULLSHIT WASN'T GETTING ME ANYWHERE, SO I BITE THE MISSIONARIES. I JAMMED AN UNBENT COAT HANGER INTO VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN'S BRAIN, NAILED HIM TO A FELLED TREE, SET HIM ON FIRE AND SET HIM ADRIFT IN THE OCEAN.
I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN'T KILL NO ZOMBIE, BUT I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS IF HE GETS EATEN BY ZOMBIES. HE CAN'T NOT BE KILLED IF HE'S IN THE STOMACHS OF SEVERAL DIFFERENT SHARKS, RIGHT? OR WOULD THAT TURN ALL THE SHARKS INTO ZOMBIE SHARKS? CRAP!
I HATE VIOLENTLY ANGRY HAITIAN!
by Violently Angry Rasta