by Violently Angry Rasta
(note: Mr. V.A. Rasta types in all caps because he is screaming)

YOU MIGHT NOT REALIZE THIS, AS I LIVE 15 MILES AWAY FROM ANY ELECTRICITY, BUT I LOVE TELEVISION. THIS PRESENTS SOME PROBLEMS, MONS AND MONETTES, AS WHENEVER I WANT TO WATCH TELEVISION I HAVE TO GET ARRESTED. I USED TO HAVE A PORTABLE, BATTERY-POWERED TELEVISION THAT A TOURIST LENT ME AFTER I BEAT HIM UNCONSCIOUS WITH A MALLET, BUT I SAWED IT APART WITH A FISHING KNIFE AFTER I SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR THE MOVIE "PAPARAZZI" ON IT. SO NOW WHEN I WANT TO WATCH LAW AND ORDER, I HAVE TO GET DRUNK AND STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY STREET THROWING ROCKS AT CARS. ALSO I DO THAT JUST WHENEVER, BUT THEN IT USUALLY ENDS WITH ME WATCHING LAW AND ORDER, SO EVERYBODY WINS.

WELL LAST WEEK THERE WAS AN EPISODE OF FAIRLY ODD PARENTS THAT I HADN'T SEEN YET AND I WANTED TO SEE, (WELL ACTUALLY IT WAS A FAIRLY ODD PARENTS MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE, BUT SAME THING) SO I SMASHED A TOURIST IN THE FACE WITH A TREE BRANCH AND STOLE HIS SHOES, THEN TURNED MYSELF IN AT THE POLICE STATION. BUT THE ONLY THING THAT ALL THE GUARDS AND OTHER CRIMINALS THERE WANTED TO WATCH WAS THE OLYMPICS. I WASN'T EVEN AWARE THAT THERE WAS AN OLYMPICS GOING ON LAST WEEK, AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT EVERYBODY SEEMS TO LOVE THE OLYMPICS, I DON'T. I FUCKING HATE THE OLYMPICS, LORD HAVE MERCY!

THERE ARE SEVERAL REASONS WHY I HATE THE OLYMPICS, ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT THEY ARE STUPID AND WORTHLESS AND NOBODY CARES WHO THE HELL CAN JUMP THE HIGHEST BACKWARDS WHILE ARCHING THEIR BACK. FIRST, I CAN'T STAND OLYMPICS COMMERCIALS. I DON'T MEAN THE COMMERCIALS THAT RUN DURING THE OLYMPICS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OLYMPICS, OR THE COMMERCIALS THAT ADVERTISE THE OLYMPICS; I MEAN THE COMMERCIALS FOR GOODS AND SERVICES THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OLYMPICS THAT TRY TO TRICK PEOPLE INTO BUYING THEIR PRODUCTS BY REMINDING PEOPLE THAT THERE IS AN OLYMPICS GOING ON. HAILE H. SELASSIE I CAN'T STAND THAT!

THESE ARE THOSE COMMERCIALS THAT ARE FOR LIKE VISA OR SOMETHING, AND THEY BASICALLY JUST SHOW SOME LOSER ATHLETE TRAINING FOR SOME LOSER EVENT, AND THEN THE VOICE-OVER SAYS "THIS LOSER ATHLETE TRAINS THEIR ENTIRE LIFE TO GET TO ATHENS. SO GET A VISA CARD WHY DON'T YOU?" WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CRAP? HOW DOES THAT NOT SEND ALL YOU IN A BLIND RAGE? WHEN ARE ALL YOU BASTARDS GOING TO WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT ADVERTISEMENTS SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE PRODUCT BEING ADVERTISED TO BE CONSIDERED GOOD? ARE THERE ACTUALLY PEOPLE THAT STUPID WHO SEE A COMMERCIAL LIKE THAT AND THINK "WOW, I LIKE THE OLYMPICS, SO I GUESS I NEED TO GET A VISA CARD." WELL APPARENTLY THERE ARE, BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE ANY MORE OF THESE ABOMINATIONS. FUCK!

THE SECOND REASON WHY I HATE THE OLYMPICS IS THE ACTUAL EVENTS THEMSELVES. IT'S ONE THING TO TRY AND PROVE YOURSELF TO BE THE BEST AT SOMETHING LIKE BEING FAST OR JUMPING HIGH, BUT THE EVENTS ARE COMPLETE BULLSHIT. THE HIGH JUMP SHOULD BE RENAMED "LET'S SEE WHO CAN JUMP THE HIGHEST BACKWARDS WITH THEIR BACK ARCHED, BECAUSE THEY CAN LAND ON THIS BIG, FLUFFLY MAT." FOSBURY FLOP, MY ASS. MY HAIRY, MATTED, JIGGER-INFESTED, JAMAICAN ASS. SEEING WHO CAN JUMP THE HIGHEST UNDER THOSE CONDITIONS IS JUST LIKE DECIDING WHO THE BEST FIGHTER IN THE WORLD IS BY HAVING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WEARING HEAD GEAR AND PROTECTIVE GLOVES FLAILING AT EACH OTHER AND HUGGING WHILE A MAN IN A STRIPED SHIRT MAKES SURE THEY DON'T HIT EACH OTHER TOO HARD, WHICH OH YEAH IS SOMETHING ELSE THE OLYMPICS DOES IT'S CALLED BOXING.

SO WHAT IS THE POINT OF THE HIGH JUMP? IS THERE EVER GOING TO BE A SITUATION IN REAL LIFE WHICH WOULD REQUIRE SOMEBODY TO PERFORM A FOSBURY FLOP? USUALLY WHEN YOU JUMP SEVEN FEET IN THE AIR, YOU DON'T WANT TO LAND ON YOUR BACK. THIS EVENTS ARE ALL IRRELEVANT AND INAPPLICABLE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXCITED ABOUT A SPORTING EVENT WHERE A GUY IN A UNITARD PRANCES AROUND A MAT WITH A RIBBON? AND EVEN THE EVENTS THAT SHOULD MAKE SENSE DON'T. LIKE TRACK AND FIELD. SEEING WHO CAN RUN THE FASTEST FOR 100 METERS IS FINE AND ALL, BUT WHEN ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO RUN FOR ONLY 100 METERS? WHEN YOU STEAL A TOURIST'S FANNY PACK OR WALLET, THEY DON'T STOP CHASING YOU AFTER A HUNDRED METERS!

THE THIRD THING ABOUT THE OLYMPICS THAT MAKES MY BLOOD PRESSURE SKYROCKET IS THAT ALL THE ATHLETES WHO REPRESENT MY COUNTRY ARE ASSHOLES. AND SPEAKING OF HOW I HATE OLYMPICS COMMERCIALS, YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED A SERIES OF COMMERCIALS FOR PUMA, WHICH IS A COMPANY THAT MAKES OVER-PRICED GARBAGE. THESE COMMERCIALS BOAST THAT PUMA IS THE OFFICIAL SPONSOR OF THE JAMAICAN OLYMPIC TEAM, AND HAVE MEMBERS OF THE JAMAICAN RELAY TEAM (ONCE AGAIN, WHEN ARE YOU EVER AGAIN GOING TO BE TESTED ON HOW WELL YOU CAN RUN WITH A STICK IN YOUR HAND AND THEN GIVE THE STICK TO ANOTHER PERSON?) RUNNING UP TO "REGULAR" POOR JAMAICAN PEOPLE AND HAND THEM THE BATON. THEN, MAGICALLY, STYLISH PUMA SHOES APPEAR ON THE FEET OF THE DESTITUTE JAMAICAN PERSON AND THEY RUN AWAY.

I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT THESE COMMERCIALS ARE SUPPOSED TO MEAN, BUT THEY PISS ME OFF. FIRST, WHY DID NONE OF THESE ASSHOLE RELAY TEAM MEMBERS EVER HAND THAT GODDAMN BATON TO ME? NOT ONLY COULD I HAVE REALLY USED THOSE NEW SHOES, AS MY FEET ARE SO CALLOUSED THAT THEY ARE ACTUALLY MORE LEATHERY THAN ACTUAL LEATHER, BUT I REALLY COULD HAVE USED THAT BATON TO BEAT MY INSOLENT CHILDREN WITH. I'VE BEEN USING ONLY MY FISTS AND SEVERAL LENGTHS OF ROPE BUNDLED TOGETHER INTO A MAKE-SHIFT CLUB, AND THEIR WELTS AREN'T NEARLY AS BIG AS I WOULD HOPE. I SUPPOSE THESE COMMERCIALS ARE SUPPOSED TO IMPLY THAT THE OLYMPIC ATHLETES ARE REPRESENTING THE ENTIRE COUNTRY AND ARE CARRYING THE SPIRIT OF THE JAMAICAN PEOPLE WITH THEM. THIS, OF COURSE, IS TOTAL BULLSHIT, BECAUSE THOSE ATHLETES TRAIN IN EMACULATE, GOVERNMENT-BUILT TRAINING FACILITIES AND HAVE HIGHLY PAID TRAINERS WHO BRING THEM ENERGIZING PROTEIN DRINKS WHENEVER THEY WANT, WHERE AS I DO NOT. GODDAMMIT!

AND FINALLY, THE LAST THING I HATE ABOUT THE OLYMPICS IS THAT THEY ARE STUPID AS HELL. DID YOU SEE THE OPENING CEREMONIES? HAILE TAP-DANCING SELASSIE, THAT WAS THE CORNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN. WOULD YOU WATCH ANY OTHER SPORTING EVENT IF IT'S IMPORTANCE WAS SPELLED OUT TO YOU IN INTERPRETIVE DANCE? I WOULD SAY THAT THE OLYMPICS SHOULD BE STOPPED FOREVER, BUT IT JUST ENDED AND IT WON'T START AGAIN FOR ANOTHER TWO YEARS WHEN I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ICE DANCING AND TEAM LUGE. I HATE THE OLYMPICS!