by Violently Angry Rasta
(note: Mr. V.A. Rasta types in all caps because he is screaming)

YOU MONS MIGHT HAVE NOTICED A NEW ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN BY RED STRIPE BEER, WHICH IS A BEER FROM JAMAICA THAT YOU WHITE DEVILS THINK WE ALL DRINK IN JAMAICA, WHICH IS A LIE. THAT BLOOD-CLOT BEER IS EXPENSIVE; I CAN'T AFFORD NO RED STRIPE! I HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN WINE TO BE ABLE TO COPE WITH MY TERRIBLE LIFE. I HAVE A FAMILY OF CHIGGGERS LIVING IN MY BEARD AND AN OWL IS NESTING IN MY BED. IF I DON'T DRINK, I REMEMBER SHIT LIKE THAT. OH SHIT, I JUST REMEMBERED THAT AN OWL LAYED EGGS IN MY BED.

I HAVE TO MAKE WINE OUT OF YAMS, BREAD MOLD AND PACKETS OF SUGAR I STEAL FROM THE DENNY'S IN THE TOURISM DISTRICT OF THE TOURISM TOWN THAT IS ADJACENT TO THE SHANTY TOWN WHERE MY PALM FROND AND CORRUGATED-ALUMINUM SHACK IS. I MIX IT TOGETHER IN A GASOLINE CANISTER I FOUND WASHED UP ON THE BEACH NEAR MY HOUSE, THEN SEAL IT WITH TAR AND MUD AND I USE A RUBBER HOSE SO THAT IT FERMENTS. AND THEN IT TASTES LIKE PISS, SO DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT NO RED STRIP. LORD HAVE MERCY.

YOU GODDAMN WHITE AMERICANS MAKE ME SICK, WITH YOUR SMUG ATTITUDES AND YOUR SPORTS UTILITY VEHICLES AND "THE REAL CANCUN" MOVIE. TO YOU ASSHOLES JAMAICANS ARE JUST A GIMMICK THAT IS CATEGORIZED AS A TYPE OF HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. AND YOU DO THIS TO EVERY TYPE OF PERSON WHO ISN'T WHITE AND AMERICAN. TAKE ASIANS FOR EXAMPLE: TO AMERICANS, "ASIAN" IS JUST A CERTAIN TYPE OF PORNOGRAPHY CATEGORY. AND DON'T TRY TO DENY IT, MONS, BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE. YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU GET SPAM FROM AN ADULT WEBSITE LISTING THE TYPE OF PORN IT HAS, IT GOES LIKE THIS "HARDCORE, BLOWJOBS, ANAL, BARELY LEGAL, ASIAN, FISTING, FETISH, GAY." AND NONE OF YOU THINK ANYTHING OF THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL WHITE DEVILS.

WHEN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SEE A JAMAICAN PERSON, IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SEEING A CLOWN. "OH LOOK, HAHA, A RASTA. SOMEONE GO ASK HIM IF HE CAN SING A BOB MARLEY SONG FOR US." THEN YOU WANT ME TO SAY SOMETHING STEREOTYPICAL LIKE "GWANJAH EYES BLOOD CLOT MON LORD HAVE MERCY" SO YOU CAN LAUGH AND CLAP AND PUT A DOLLAR IN MY CUP. WELL LISTEN HERE, ASSHOLE TOURISTS: I DON'T PAN HANDLE IN EXCHANGE FOR ANYTHING. YOU GIVE ME MONEY BECAUSE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME, OR BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED THAT I WILL THROW A BRICK AT THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU'RE WALKING AWAY, NOT BECAUSE I'VE ENTERTAINED YOU, BITCHES.

ANYWAY, BACK TO THE RED STRIPE COMMERCIALS. THESE COMMERCIALS FEATURE A JAMAICAN UNCLE TOM DANCING AROUND, LIKE A CLOWN, GIVING BEER TO UGLY WHITE PEOPLE AND TELLING THEM ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL JAMAICA IS. FIRST OF ALL, JAMAICANS DO NOT LIKE WHITE PEOPLE. SURE, YOU THINK WE LOVE YOU WHEN YOU GO TO VACATION HERE AND YOU DON'T LEAVE THE RESORT TOWN AND THE ONLY NATIVES YOU SEE ARE SELL-OUTS WHO SMILE SO THAT YOU WILL TIP THEM WHEN THEY GIVE YOU RUM DRINKS OR LAUNDER YOUR TOWELS. BUT EVEN THE SELL-OUTS DON'T LIKE YOU; IT'S JUST THAT THEY ALSO DON'T LIKE THEMSELVES SO THEY DON'T MIND BEING AROUND YOU. WHEN THEY GO HOME AT NIGHT TO THEIR DILAPIDATED SHACKS THEY YELL ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY HATE AMERICAN TOURISTS AND HOW THEY WISH ONE OF THEM WOULD GIVE THEM A REASON TO BLUDGEON THEM TO DEATH WITH A BAR STOOL.

SECOND, JAMAICA IS NOT WONDERFUL. JAMAICA IS AN AWFUL PLACE WHOSE INHABITANTS MUST CONSTANTLY SMOKE NARCOTICS IN ORDER TO FORGOT ABOUT HOW AWFUL JAMAICA IS. I WORK 12 LONG HOURS A DAY FISHING IN A BOAT MADE OUT OF LEAVES AS SHARKS MERCILESSLY CHEW MY LEGS, JUST SO I CAN CATCH SOME BOOTS TO WEAR ON MY FEET SO I CAN GO TO TOWN AND PAN HANDLE WITHOUT FEAR OF STEPPING ON BROKEN GLASS LEFT THERE BY DRUNK AMERICAN TOURISTS WHO THROW EMPTY BOTTLES OF LIQUOR AT PAN HANDLERS, WHO ALSO YELL THAT WE SHOULD GET JOBS AND GET OFF OF WELFARE DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE ONLY THING THE GOVERNMENT EVER GIVES ME IS REGULAR BEATINGS BECAUSE I CAN'T PAY MY TAXES BECAUSE THEY WON'T ACCEPT BOOTS.

AND FINALLY, THE ONLY REASON THESE COMMERCIALS HAVE WHITE PEOPLE IN THEM IS BECAUSE IF THEY HAD ONLY BLACK JAMAICANS, THEN WHITE PEOPLE WOULDN'T BUY THE BEER. THEY WOULD SEE JAMAICANS HAVING A FUN BEER PARTY AND ASSUME "OH, RED STRIPE MUST BE A MINORITY PRODUCT! I AM NOT A MINORITY! IT MUST BE LIKE MALT LIQUOR OR FINGERNAIL SALONS OR BANKRUPTCY CONSELING, BECAUSE THOSE COMMERCIALS ALSO ONLY HAVE MINORITIES IN THEM!" THIS IS BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE DEVIL. BUT THE BEER'S GIMMICK, AS I STATED PREVIOUSLY THAT THIS IS DONE CONSTANTLY AND OFTEN SENDS ME INTO A BLINDING RAGE, IS THAT IT IS FROM JAMAICA, WHICH REQUIRED THAT AT LEAST ONE JAMAICAN PERSON BE IN THE COMMERCIALS, ALTHOUGH HE MUST APPEAR HAPPY AND NON-THREATENING BECAUSE, AGAIN, WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE DEVIL.

THE MORAL IS, DON'T BUY JAMAICAN BEER; INSTEAD, MAKE MOONSHINE IN EMPTY, DISCARDED GASOLINE CANISTERS IF YOU WANT TO ENJOY A REAL JAMAICAN BEVERAGE.

AND HERE'S A NICE ANECDOTE TO ALL YOU PARENTS OUT THERE WHO ARE LOOKING FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR BRATTY LITTLE PUNKS. MY ELDEST SON CAME HOME YESTERDAY WITH A BLACK EYE. APPARENTLY THE LOCAL BULLY, WHO LIVES IN THE THATCHED HUT DOWN THE ROAD, BEAT HIM UP. I TAUGHT HIM HOW TO SETTLE HIS DIFFERENCES BY TAKING HIM WITH ME TO THEIR HOUSE LATE LAST NIGHT, BARRICADING ALL THEIR DOORS AND WINDOWS, DOUSING THEIR SHACK IN KEROSENE AND BURNING THEIR HUT DOWN. EVERY TIME THEY CLAWED AT THEIR BOARDED UP DOOR AND SCREAMED "HELP US, WE ARE BURNING!" ME AND MY SON YELLED "NO, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AND DIE!" AT THEM.

BUT THEN I ALSO HAD TO DISCIPLINE MY SON FOR BEING SUCH A WUSS, SO AFTER HE FELL ASLEEP LAST NIGHT I STUFFED HIM IN A BURLAP SACK AND THREW THE SACK OFF A CLIFF INTO THE OCEAN. THAT'LL TEACH THE LITTLE ASSHOLE NOT TO GET HIT BY BULLIES.BUT DON'T WORRY, I DID NOT KILL HIM! I HAD A ROPE TIED TO THE SACK, SO AFTER A FEW MINUTES I PULLED HIM BACK UP. THEN I DUNKED HIM BACK IN THE WATER, BUT ALWAYS REMEMBERING TO PULL HIM BACK UP. I REPEATED THIS SEVERAL TIMES, CAREFUL NOT TO KILL HIM THOUGH. BECAUSE IF HE DIED, THEN I WOULD HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DART IN FRONT OF TAXI CABS FULL OF TOURISTS AND GET HIS LEGS BROKEN SO THAT THE TOURISTS WILL FEEL REAL BAD AND GIVE HIM SOME MONEY THAT I CAN TAKE.