PIMP MY RUNNING MATE

by Xzibit and the crew at West Coast Customs



XZIBIT: Ya'll know that the crew I run with always comes hard and comes strong, and when shit goes down I can always trust them to gots my back and hold it down, cause I'm X to Z Xzibit. But my man George W's BFF ain't getting him no action, and the only looks he be getting are looks that are like "whoa, what is wrong with that guy's friend's back and face?!" But little does he know that's all going to change; I'm 'bout to Pimp his running mate.




GEORGE: Yo yo, whassup MTV? My name is George W. and I'm from Washington D.C., D.C. in the house what what! This is my running mate, his name is Dick Cheney, but I just call him Dicky C or the Professor or the Puppet Master or the smart one. He's been with me through thick and through thin, and I would have never gotten as far as I've gotten without him. He's my dog and he's had my back! He writes all my speeches, sets all my policies, tells me what to wear, tells me how to answer reporters' questions and tells me what to think!

But unfortunately, as much as I love Dicky C, he is all looking TO' UP! I can't even get any action from anybody, even my wife! The girls just look at him and laugh, they say "damn what's up with Quasimodo over there? Does he got a hair lip or is his mouth just stuck in a permanent evil scowl like that?" then all the other girls say "DAAAAAMN!" and I always leave the club without any tail! I swear he is the worst wingman ever! Whenever I meet some fly honeys, he's always talking about boring stuff like international prices of oil per barrel or the fed raising interest rate. BOOOORING!


DONALD: Is my man George always getting ribbed on by the goddamn liberal media for his running mate? Yes, he is! He's really a great guy, and he really deserves to have a running mate that reflects his eclectic and creative personality. Does george deserve to have his running mate pimped? Yes, if anybody deserves to have his running mate pimped, it's George. He's just gotten over a long and difficult battle with cocaine addiction and alcoholism, and he's finally turned his life around. And did he finally get his GED? Yes, he did. Now it's like, finally, everything in his life is going great, and everything reflects that, but he's still got this raggedy-ass looking running mate. Whenever the network news does a story about George, and when the newscaster is talking and there's that box in an upper corner of the screen there's always a picture of George in that box, and the networks always digitally add a picture of Cheney behind George, looking over his shoulder like some kind of gargoyle or one of those little devils in cartoons that sits on Daffy Duck's shoulder. Does he deserve better than that? Yes, George deserves better than that. Goddamn liberal media!


GEORGE: I just got my GED, and now I'm hoping to get back to school. But I have to work so much just to afford to go to school, that I don't actually have any time! Yeah, Dicky C Does like almost all my work, but he's always falling asleep early in the evening, cause he's old or something, when he's supposed to be writing a speech for me or something. Then I try to write it myself, and when he wakes up he has to re-write it and lecture me about how I can't use the n-word in a speech, and then all that time is lost because Dicky C is just so old, or something! I mean he can be a real drag sometimes, but I wouldn't trade Dicky for any other running mate. Except maybe Angelina Jolie. But besides that I wouldn't trade him for nobody. Even if I could afford a hot new running mate, I would have to stay with Dicky; seriously, I'd have to. I would have no choice. He'd break my arms. With his mouth. But I wish Dick could somehow get some style to go with his substance. Please MTV; Pimp My Running Mate!


DONALD: Plus I heard this rumor that Cheney's favorite hobby is to fill a burlap sac with kittens, tie the sac shut, viciously beat the kitten sac with a baseball bat for seriously like two hours, then untie the sac and have sex with the bloody, pulpy mass of kitten organs. Is that a good thing to do? No, it's pretty messed up. George deserves to be running with someone who, if they're going to do that, at least looks good when they're doing it. Do I also smash a bag of kittens and then have sex with it? No dummie, I use puppies instead of kittens. George also deserves someone better than myself, but I'm not going to tell him that. Is George real dumb? He's real dumb.






XZIBIT: Aight yo, now that you've seen George and how much his running mate sucks (laughs), let's go meet him.


knock knock knock


GEORGE: OH MY GOD IT'S XZIBIT, HOLY COW!



XZIBIT: Whaddup yo? I've come to pimp-out your raggedy-ass looking running mate. C'mon, gimme the keys, I'm taking this bad boy over to the West Coast Customs.



GEORGE: Thank you so much Xzibit! This is the best thing to ever happen to me ever, in like, forever!


XZIBIT: Yeah whatever. I'm off to the West Coast Customs. Hi-ho vice president, away! (laughs)



GEORGE: I'm really thrilled that my running mate is getting pimped. I know he's in good hands, and whatever Xzibit chooses to do to my running mate I will be happy with. Besides, he is a famous rapper after all.


meanwhile, at the West Coast Customs ...


XZIBIT: Aw right ya, get a load of this guy! This dude really sucks! I know ya'll is used to working on brand new H2's and Escalades, but can you trick out a guy whose spine is bent in 12 places, whose saliva is venomous, and who can only survive by sacrificing virgins and drinking their blood?


Q: Man, this is really going to take some work, but we here at the West Coast are miracle workers. We can make anything pimpin', but it's really going to take a miracle to fix this piece of garbage. Well we, better get started. George, take a good look at your old running mate, because the next time you see him, you won't be able to recognize him. Alright crew, let's get to work. Here's the lowdown; this running mate is vintage. He's lost most of his hair, teeth and apparently, sense of style (chuckles). He's borrowed most of his conservative thinking, and his wardrobe, from the Nixon administration. This is going to take a lot of work, no doubt.


Our guy's name is George; he's 58 years old, he works in politics, and he likes baseball, video games, computers and snack foods. Let's try to incorporate that into our design, and let's try to have fun with this project. Alright, first up, paint and body. Aren, what colors thinking?


AREN: Well first we're going to add a new body kit to cover up his hairless and liver-spotted head; it's a special kind called a hat. We're going to special order one, called the purple felt fedora. Then, we're going to paint his exterior to match with a paint effect called plush purple; it's going to have the effect of looking like a big plush couch or carpet, and people are gonna want to give him a big hug. Plus, we're gonna add flame decals, it's gonna look real hot.






Q: Nice. Alright Ish, you've got your colors. What kind of interior are you going to hook our boy George up with?


ISH: Okay Coo he's whut we gon' do, we gon' Firsh, we gon' git rid of all de ol' clofs, an' replace dem wif all, brand, new, suede. All suede baby, suede underpants, suede undershirt, suede socks, all suede. Den, we gon get rid of dat plain ol' tie, an' hook him up wit' a bran' new, silk tie. Is' gon' be off da hook.








Q: Cool, sounds tight Ish. Ok, wheels and tires; what kind of feet are you putting on this bad boy Alex?


Alex: So this guy can't get around too great anymore, so we're gonna install some forged steel wheel hubs with glass-reinforced thermoplastic rims. Then we're gonna hook him up with two rechargeable, nickel metal hydride batteries and we're gonna balance with him five gyroscopes and a collection of other tilt sensors, which will help keep George's running mate upright. Man, not only is he going to look hot, but he'll be flying at speeds up to 12 and a half miles an hour. It's gonna be really tight.





Q: Nice, our boy is really going to appreciate the phat new chrome rims. Alright, Mad Mike, you've got a lot of room to work with here; George's running mate has a huge hump with lots of space and it's gone completely unused. What kind of electronics you've got planned?


MAD MIKE: Well, our man George is always complaining about being bored while his running mate writes his speeches for him. And, since he likes computers and, video games, we're gonna install a phat, brand new, 13 inch moniter into his veep's hunched back. He can use it to watch DVDs, or even search the internet. And since George loves video games, we're gonna also put, a Playstation 2 into his back. Man, he is going to love this. But since Dicky C barely has enough left to power himself even, we're going to also put in a portable generator, which we're going to install, in his small intestine. Not only will George not have to worry about the power cutting out while he's watching, a DVD, but he can plug any other electric devices he has into the outlets we're putting in his running mate's rectum.



Q: Sounds hot. Ok, Accessories; Big Dane, what ideas you got planned?


BIG DANE: My dawg George is always complaining about his running mate's lack of style. So I'm gonna hook him up with a hot new feather boa. And since my man used to own the Texas Rangers, I'm gonna make it, BAM, Texas-Rangers red. We also going to hook him up with some phat shades, to shade his eyes from all the bling bling and chrome we gonna put on. And last, but ain't least, since there is still so much room on that horribly disfigured hump, we gonna add a cooler, so George can always have some pretzels or "soda" (laughs) close at hand. BAM!



Q: Aight Dane, just make it happen. OK, well it's not going to be easy; this Dicky C dude is at least 60 years past his prime. But if anybody can make him shine again, it's the West Coast Customs team. Let's get to work.


Two commercial breaks later



XZIBIT: When my man George first brought us his running mate, it was the laughing stock of all the vice-presidential candidates. He was old, out of style, and he wasn't getting George any of the hoochie action. But I think that's all about to change. George, this was your running mate before the West Coast Customs got a hold of him:

XZIBIT:And now get a load of your brand new running mate!


swooosh!




GEORGE: NO WAY! OH SNAP! AWWWW YEAH!



XZIBIT: And check out the back man!



GEORGE: OH MAN, a Playstation! I don't even have one of these at my crib! Aww snap!

Thanks MTV, for Pimping My Running Mate! Now if you'll excuse me, I want to ride his Segway. We out!









The only things I have are my intellectual property and mycollection of plastic souvenir cups from Taco Bell commemorating the release of "Batman Returns."  So if you steal the former well then I might just have to kill himself.  Everything on this site is copyright Chris Becker, except for the pictures I stole and then Photoshopped the crap out of.  If for some bizarre reason you want to reprint any of  bullplop written here, or just want to send me any death threats or marriage proposals, contact Chris Becker at beckec89(at)uwosh(dot)edu.