by Captain BananaBeard, gorilla pirate

Arrr, avast ye dogs! Me and me crew of swash-buckling primates have finally got us something that we thinks the great Ape English empire (which is the same as the regular English empire but with apes) would pay us a vast fortune of silver in exchange for its return. And that something is actually a someone -- the Governor of Kingston Town, the good-sir Maxwell P. Oranguworth!

We be certain that the bloated English king will pay our outrageous ransom, because not only is Mr. Oranguworth Governor of Kingston Town, but he be also the king's idiot nephew! Why do you think he was appointed to such a choice governorship? It weren't because o' any particular smartness on Oranguworth's part, I'll tell you. And now the king can't just refuse to pay the ransom and appoint a new Governor; he would face quite a scandal from the elite court of noble orangutans and chimps. And now he'll have to fork over more silver bullion and coconuts then I know what to do with if he wants to avoid the embarrassment. I can barely believe me good luck!

We hadn't even intended to kidnap the governor; we was only in Kingston to ransack the place, abduct a few of the comelier monkey wenches and torch whichever vessels of the royal fleet happened to be docked there. But one thing just lead to another, and before I knew it we were carrying a savagely beaten Governor Oranguworth in an empty sugar sac back to me ship with plans to let the entire crew violently sodomize him, and eventually probably keel-haul him.

At first, yaaar, we were going on a real silent-like plundering run. We didn't want the authorities keen on our whereabouts, but then once we set fire to the barracks and every ship in the harbor I realized that thar would be no apes in the whole city who could or would stand up to my blood-thirsty crew, which meant we had the town to ourselves! Obviously, the first thing me men cleaned out were the rum, being pirates and all. But then we went from plantation to plantation, purloinin' every bit o' valuables we could from the mansions thar. We left each plantation house with sacs upon sacs of loot; candelabras, jewelry, tire swings, bananas, golden lemur statues, and of course rum.

Then I's noticed a mansion with armed guards stationed a the gates. We weren't going to loot it, on account of the guards. But then I got a grand idea of how to get by the guards without getting no trouble. So we killed the guards and started to clean out the mansion. It was a pretty uneventful looting at first: slaughtering the servants, raiding the food stores, drinking most of the rum so we wouldn't have to carry as much back to the ship, taking the silverware, etc. But when we burst into the master bedchamber to decapitate its residents (also standard procedure) a short, fat orangutan screamed "stop this at once!" and then meticulously put on his powdered wig and spectacles. Then he looked us over with a very perturbed expression and said "don't you know who I am? I'm the GOVERNOR of this settlement! I will have you incarcerated if you so much as touch a single hair on my face!"

So I says "Oh, so yer the governor, are ye?" At which point I instructed First-Mate Bonzo to subdue and restrain him, with the aid of the governor's own walking cane, an exquisite oaken shaft topped with a decorative silver chimp's paw grasping a jeweled orb. Arr, I loves me irony! I don't what else he expected we would do when he told us he was the governor; it's not like he had any guards or protection or anything in there with him. The only other person there with him was a prostitute, and she was also easily subdued and stuffed into a burlap sac. And from our dress he could have easily surmised that we were Dutch pirates, so he should have known he couldn't threaten us with British sovereignty. And it was just silly of him to threaten us with incarceration if we were to hurt him; we already burned down, murdered, or stole pretty much all of his entire settlement town. I don't know why he thought we would just then start to worry about the consequences; we're bloody pirates.

But his complete idiocy is me gain! After his bloated uncle pays the ridiculous ransom, I think I'll just hand the Governor over to the Spaniards; I think they might give me 200-acres of land and a hefty portion of the profits from the silver train. Arrrr, plus I think I'll ask for some bananas too, arrr!