If you’ve accidentally read any of my stupid, famous movie reviews, you already know that I hate pretty much every movie that comes out. Basically the premise of those columns is that I would rather be eviscerated then watch any of the action movies done entirely in special effects or romantic comedies starring old, white comedians speaking ebonics to impress Queen Latifah that our nation’s theaters seem to be engorged with.

There is a horrible misfortune brought on by these columns, aside from the fact that they aren’t funny and they waste space in this newspaper. Because of the vast hyperbole in saying I’d rather be disemboweled than watch a bad movie, nobody believes me when I say something along the lines of the following statement: there is a movie coming out next week that is literally my worst nightmare come to fruition.

Let me explain; the movie I’m talking about is "Shark Tale," and it is a computer-animated cartoon that answers the question "What would happen if the guys behind the ‘Shrek’ brand tried to make ‘Finding Nemo" except with Will Smith and 16 months too late?"

Now obviously this movie looks atrocious, but so do all the other scads of atrocious movies released every week. But even though I think I’d rather not watch "Mr. 3000" or some movie starring Mathew Modine and a monkey, at least I can say that those movies aren’t realizations of the cause of my night terrors.

You see, the biggest difference between "Shark Tale" and the movie that it rips off is that the fish in "Finding Nemo" not only actually look cute, but they actually look like fish. However, if you’ve seen any of the commercials for this abomination, then you know that the fish in "Shark Tale" also look like fish, except with disturbing human faces.

If the concept of a fish with Will Smith’s head isn’t more terrifying then anything you’ve ever thought of, then congratulations, you’re George Romero.

And the reason I say that this premise is not just scary, but my worst nightmare, is because it is seriously my worst nightmare. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had occasional, reoccurring nightmares about certain animals (such as fish, insects, lizards, cows, whatever) with human facial features. Why, just recently I had dream about enormous frogs with huge mouths and people eyes and ears. OK I know that doesn’t sound scary; maybe you just have to had been there.

I’d be willing to bet that, sometime during my life (probably after "Wild, Wild West" came out), I had a dream about being trapped in a swimming pool filled with grotesque fish with the heads of Will Smith, trying to bite me with disproportionately big mouths made entirely of molars.

Now I don’t think these insane dreams make me special in any way; obviously I am special for other reasons. Everybody has weird dreams, and I’m sure pretty much everyone has more interesting nightmares then "frogs with human facial features."

But the point is that the more interesting nightmares that other people are having have probably not yet been made into major motion-picture events.

Sure, my reoccurring dreams may be stupid and unoriginal, but I don’t see any movie studios making any heart-warming family comedies based on your dream where your parents are robot cowboys who staple-gun you to a door so they can berate and throw spiders at you, or whatever the hell you dream about.

So now that Hollywood has somehow stolen my thoughts, I guess all I can do is complain nonstop and protest "Shark Tale" by demanding that they start paying me royalties for stealing the grotesque concept I came up with when I wasn’t conscious. That seems only fair.