Have you ever seen a movie that was so bad that as you were leaving the theater you thought to yourself, "You know, I could have gotten as much enjoyment from staying home and seeing how far I jam a mechanical pencil into my ear. Plus, not only would that have taken 110-less minutes, but I also wouldn't have spent all that money on artificial-popcorn product"?

Probably not, but I have. I don't know whether it's the 45 minutes of commercials even before the previews start, the contrite and insipid stories, the terrible acting or the blatant Frito Lay product placement, but I pretty much hate every single movie that comes out, even before I see it.

"Why do you hate movies so much?" you slack-jawed dunderheads are probably asking. "They might be of a low quality, but so are most forms of entertainment in the world today. TV is awful, why not complain about that?" While this is true, the difference between movies and television is that movies should have higher standards than television, and should have a system of quality control more detailed than, "Is this explosion big enough? And does it look fake enough?"

If you're going to pay nine dollars to sit in a theater and be forced to watch as many commercials as you'd see during three hours of television watching (which, in theory, should have lowered the price of admission to less than nine dollars) before the thing you paid nine dollars to watch even starts, then the thing you paid nine dollars for had damn well better be a lot more freaking amazing than anything you'd see on television.

And with that, I now invite you to jump headfirst into the shallow pool that is another one of my famed movie review columns.

If you are familiar with my movie review columns, then you've already stopped reading because you know that they just aren't worth it. But if you're new to the experience, here's how I rate all the hottest new blockbusters: using commercials and my own deep prejudice, I rate movies that I haven't seen and have no intention of ever seeing with the worst thing I'd be willing to do if I was forced into choosing between watching the hottest new blockbusters or get tortured.

For example, I recently saw the movie "Shaun of the Dead" and it was very good. I would rate that movie by saying "I'd rather get paid 20 bucks than watch 'Shaun of the Dead.'" However, I would rate a very bad movie (such as, oh I don't know, pretty much any of them?) with something like "I would rather fellate Teddy Roosevelt as he sits naked on a toilet, 'engaging' it, then watch this movie."

OK that might sound really, really bad, but you have to understand that I really, really don't want to see the new Hilary Duff movie. Away we go!

Mr. 3000

In this movie self-absorbed baseball star Bernie Mac (actually he's just pretending; really he's a comedian, or something) eventually gives up his selfish ways and learns the value of teamwork. Also, sharing. I have no proof that that's what actually happens, but if you try to say that you've ever seen a sports movie where somebody didn't learn the value of teamwork, then you're a liar.

The only reason to see this movie would be to watch Sportscenter on an enormous projection screen (real ESPN personalities appear in "Mr. 3000"), but seeing as how you can stay home and watch Sportscenter anchors talk about real people as opposed to the fake baseball player that Bernie Mac is tricking you into believing that he is, that's not a very good reason to see "Mr. 3000." Yet, it's still the only one I can think of.

Rating: I'd rather be stuck in an elevator for 13 hours with prop-comic Carrot Top and a box with a wide assortment of silly hats then learn the proper spelling of the word "team."

Shark Tale

If you read my column three weeks ago, then you know that the stars of this movie (horrifying CGI fish with human facial features) is literally my worst nightmare. However, there is much more to hate and fear about this movie than just the fact that it is very, very ugly. For example, the plot revolves around the Will Smith fish awkwardly mugging and making pop-culture references from 1997 in front of a group sharks who are, for some reason, stereotypical Italian gangsters.

Despite the fact that pop culture has been totally saturated by the mafia archetype in the past 30 years, there could hypothetically still be some people who find parodies of mafia movies funny, I guess. Does the prospect of a deformed killer whale tiredly asking "You talking to me? Are you talking to me?" in a bad Joe Pesci impression sound entertaining to you? Then you might like "Shark Tale"! Also, please never, ever procreate.

Rating: I'd rather have all of my fingernails pulled off with pliers and then forced to try and pick dimes off a linoleum floor then watch this movie.

Raise your Voice

This is the newest Hilary Duff movie, and obviously it sucks, but what's more important is that on Duff's new album there is a diss song attacking fellow teen-acting sensation Lindsey Lohan. Apparently they don't like each, or something.

Some people (those who can feed themselves) might respond to this news by saying, "That's easily the stupidest thing I've ever heard." And while that's true, I am tickled pink. This might one day lead to the hilarious gunning-down of Avril Lavigne in a drive-by as a retaliation hit for the brutal murder of Ashley Simpson with piano wire. Anyway, yeah, "Raise your Voice" looks awful. Sorry.

Rating: I'd rather manually collect urine samples from elephants (for purposes of drug testing, of course) then watch this crap.

Taxi

"Taxi" is a "buddy cop" movie, which is a very, very original and creative idea that has never been done ever in the history of movies, even by "Lethal Weapon" or "Beverly Hills Cop." "Taxi" crazily and often wackily matches (or should we say "mismatches," a hyuck hyuck!) two people who are very different, which is why it's funny! The jive-talking, no-nonsense, taxi-driving Queen Latifah is paired with Jimmy Fallon, who can't possibly fall into a Joe Piscopo-esque oblivion of obscurity fast enough.

"And what exactly is the plot of 'Taxi'?" you probably aren't asking. As far as I can tell, there is no actual plot. Apparently for two hours Fallon clumsily tosses around hip-hop slang and refrains from rap songs that are currently popular which causes Queen Latifah makes faces to the camera that convey an emotion of, "Man what is this foo' talking 'bout?" Meanwhile: waa, waa, waa, waaaaaa. Also, race relations are set back a few hundred years and the Civil Rights Movement is negated. Thanks, "Taxi."

Rating: You know that scene in the second Star Trek movie where Khan sticks that worm thing in that one guy's ear and it eats his brain?

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

This movie with a ridiculous name is basically a living joke, seeing as how it is actually pretty much a movie made entirely out of special effects. You might think it's an action-packed thrill fest about bi-planes, Angelina Jolie wearing an eye patch and giant robots that look like they were made in the 1930's (i.e., they run on steam power), but since the movie is basically done entirely in special effects, really it's just star Jude Law talking to a blue screen for a few hours. Doesn't that sound action-packed?

If the name of this movie sounds familiar, that's because it should! If you went to high school in the 1950's, and I'm assuming that all my readers did, you probably saw the government film of the same name. It featured several predictions the department of educational films made based on the then-recent technological advancements. For example, in as soon as 1981 we will regularly be sending bomber flights, led by "sky captains," high into the atmosphere in an attempt to find and eventually kill God. Also, there will be houses on the sun and robots will replace tennis players.

Rating: I'd rather eat a bucket of metal thumbtacks and then immediately proceed to take a magnetic enema then learn about the robot butlers of the future.

Surviving Christmas

It's after Labor Day, which means you can start expecting a deluge of Christmas-related crap being shoved down your throats. For example, this movie. In "Surviving Christmas," Ben Affleck pays Tony Soprano to create wacky shenanigans by singing Christmas carols and making fruitcake jokes. Apparently, Ben Affleck plays a rich guy who misses Christmas, or something? I'm not sure, I found out about this movie from the preview before "Shaun of the Dead," and I spent the duration of the preview shaking my fist at Ben Affleck. Damn you, Ben Affleck!

Also, this movie provides an excellent source of Tony Soprano hitting Ben Affleck with a snow shovel. If that were all this movie was, it might be worth seeing. However, I'm sure there's probably some dialogue or something in there.

Rating: I'd rather use a steam iron to directly press on to my bare chest an iron-on T-shirt transfer depicting me fellating Teddy Roosevelt as he is sitting on a toilet then watch this garbage.