Easter is right around the corner, and you know what that means, right? It’s time to go to church and marvel at all the beautiful sights and sounds (Unless, of course, you aren’t Christian; I myself worship Tiamet, the Babylonian god of chaos. Although for me it’s really more of an equinox-solstice type commitment, so I don’t know if I’d call it worshipping, but whatever.)

And what’s the most stunning church decoration put on display during the Easter season? Why, that’s easy! It’s the bloody, gory pictures of Jesus dying a painful death by crucifixion.

Pictures of Jesus bleeding to death are as beloved an Easter tradition as looking for painted eggs on the roof and in the oven or devouring fermented clumps of marshmallows painted to look like baby chickens.

I’m not entirely sure if pictures of a blood-spurting Jesus’s death are a major part of Christianity because, as I said before, I’m a pagan. But these murals do exist, which leads me to only one logical conclusion: I can make a fortune selling violent murals to churches.

There are obviously a few key details that need to be worked out with this plan. First, I can’t just do these murals myself. If you’ve seen any of my depictions of Jesus in this paper, you already know my artistic ability rivals that of a six-year-old whose mother smoked crystal meth laced with paint and embalming fluid when she was pregnant.

I will need to contract somebody with some skills to actually draw the murals, but that shouldn’t be too difficult. I can just pay a potential painter with wood shavings and jugs of expired milk I find in the dumpster behind a convenience store. They’re called “starving artists” for a reason, you know.

And even if I did have to actually pay an artist, I could still make a fortune by charging a mint for these murals. Do you have any idea how loaded those churches are? Just look at how nicely those nuns dress all the time—always at the height of fashion!

Also, I don’t think I could get away with just drawing the same old tired pictures of Jesus suffering in agony. I would have to come up with a new, fresh idea to make a quick buck off of others’ religious beliefs.

Here’s what I’m thinking: prominent religious figures hate celebrities, right? And they don’t always spend their time hating celebrities that it would make sense for them to hate, like a Jewish person not being very happy with Public Enemy’s Professor Griff for saying Jews are the devil.

For example, do you remember when professional dumbass Jerry Falwell criticized Tinky Winky of “Teletubby” fame for having homosexual tendencies? And do you remember that those “homosexual tendencies” were being purple, carrying a purse and having a triangle on its (like anybody can tell what the hell gender Tinky Winky is) head?

Calling those “homosexual tendencies” is like saying somebody is a founding member of the Black Panthers because he or she owns a pair of shoes, and owning a pair of shoes is a trait of being the founding member of a militant black activist group.

This means one of two things: either Falwell is completely insane, or religious figures love scapegoating irrelevant celebrities. Or it could mean both of those, I guess, since they both make sense to me.

And because of that, it doesn’t always have to be Jesus who’s suffering in the murals, right? For example, Muslims in Italy wanted a medieval mural in the Cathedral of Bologna torn down a few years ago because it depicted the Islamic prophet Mohammed burning in Hell.

OK, now obviously something like that is going to alienate all of my potential Muslim customers, and I don’t want to do that because they have money too. But people love seeing famous people burning in hell.

So my solution to make big bucks with this plan is this: I am going to get paid to provide churches of any denomination with murals of any noncontroversial celebrity burning in hell.

This is the sort of thing that I would market to Falwell: an intricate mural of Tinky Winky being shredded by several lassos of barbed wire while being violently sodomized by an iron stick covered in bees, because that’s what I imagine is going to happen to Tinky Winky in hell.

Who wouldn’t love a 30-foot-wide mural of that hanging in their church? Or if you don’t want to share that lovely image with anybody else, keep it to yourself and commission me to paint it on your living room wall. Imagine the excitement your children will feel when they come down on Easter morning to see a massive picture of a Teletubby being violently torn asunder via his (or its, I guess) purple anus.

This isn’t a service that should be exclusively available to Jerry Falwell. Any church that hates any celebrity should get a mural of that celebrity languishing for all eternity in the deepest pits of the damned.

But it’s important that the celebrity be one that does not provoke controversy, because that makes people disagree, and when people disagree they are less likely to agree to give me huge sums of money. For example, Michael Moore is a very controversial person; some people hate him, and some people do not. So half of a church’s congregation would not approve of a mural depicting him rotting in hell and would thus take offense.

On the other hand, how many people would be offended by the thought of Ron Howard rotting in hell? Or Dana Carvey? Or Latoya Jackson? Or that one adorable little moppet with the glasses from “Jerry Maguire?” Nobody, that’s who!

Those people aren’t controversial in the slightest, so it would make sense that nobody would possibly be offended by the thought of those people, in enormous mural form, having white-hot screws excruciatingly plunged into their skulls as razor-mouthed demons peel the skin off of their putrid, bloated stomachs like grapes.

In fact, not only could nobody possibly be offended by that, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t anybody who wouldn’t pay a few thousand dollars for a giant mural of that scene in their children’s bedroom.

Do none of those inconsequential celebrities tickle your fancy? There are literally trillions of celebrities that don’t matter whom you could have being eternally tortured on a mural in your home!

For example, is your church pro-Jay-Z? Then why not get a mural depicting rival rapper Nas having his lungs and esophagus torn out by hell hounds? Or if your church is pro-Nas and anti-Jay-Z, you could get a giant picture of Jay-Z having an anchor and rope shoved up his ass and pulled out his mouth.

Don’t like rap feuds? Then why not get a mural of Michael J. Fox sitting in a hot tub filled with burning hot coals up to his neck? Or vultures sucking the marrow out of Colin Quinn’s bones? Or the guy who played the Skipper on “Gilligan’s Island” having his eyes gouged out with a crab fork and his nipples sliced off with a pizza cutter as the Prince of Darkness chews his legs into a bloody, pulpy mash?

Maybe you’d like to see those two other guys from Greenday have their spines ripped out of the tops of their skulls and tobasco sauce poured into the resulting spine-shaped hole?

I think you get the idea. So how many murals do you want? They make great Easter gifts, you know.