Despite the fact that almost everybody has one, and that seemingly there are more people who listen to radio dramas than there are people without one, everybody complains about how annoying it is when somebody else uses their cell phone.

People are oft to roll their eyes and shake their heads in disparagement when somebody else’s phone starts to chime the guitar solo from "Freebird." Then of course they answer their own phone and roll their eyes at the other people who are rolling their eyes at them for answering their phone. It’s the circle of life.

I am not as annoyed by such cell phone antics as other people are. I even enjoy them, such as when someone’s cell phone rings during a class. Other people might be annoyed when their thrilling intro to geography lecture is interrupted by an Ace of Bass song being played by someone’s calculator, but not me; obviously, that is hilarious.

Almost nothing else about typical cell phone behavior bothers me. I don’t care when people answer them in the middle of a conversation, spend 45 minutes entering a text message that would take two and a half seconds to speak or tell you that you aren’t allowed to call them at any time during the day except between 4:45 am and 5:15 am, because that’s the only time they get unlimited minutes.

None of that crap is any more annoying than the usual annoying crap people do. If somebody’s phone plays the first half of "Welcome to the Terror Dome" each time it rings, and this somebody pretends to not know it’s their phone until the fifth time it rings, then it’s not the fault of the cell phone, the service provider or Public Enemy; it’s the fault of somebody for being an asshole.

But there is one thing about cell phones I can’t stand that I feel I can blame on the cell phones themselves, and not just on the morons who happen to be using them, and that is when people talk on their cell phones while walking around outside.

OK, I know that cell phones are really very convenient, and that one of their inherent perks is that you can use them while you are outside, but I’m talking about people who are passing the eight minutes it takes to walk from one location to another by loudly having banal conversations with other idiots who are also probably talking on cell phones while walking to class.

There might still be dumbasses who think that having a cell phone makes them look important and they want to be using it all the time so as to achieve the maximum level of importance, but now since literally everybody has a cell phone, anyone who still thinks a cell phone makes them seem important probably can’t tie their shoes without the aid of a bicycle helmet.

And any respect you might have for somebody because they are using a cell phone, which can be acquired these days in boxes of cereal and fast food kids‘ meals, is going to be instantly negated when you see that their shoes have Velcro straps instead of laces.

Or maybe people talk on their cell phones while they are walking to class because they think using a cell phone to multi-task (walking plus talking) will make them look talented. But our nation’s true multi-taskers, people who are both insane and homeless, have been talking and walking for years without getting any credit. And these people are talking to Jesus and Elvis, whom I imagine are far more difficult to get a hold of than your frat brother.

So aside from just being a jerk, I can’t think of any other reason why someone would insist on using their cell phone as they are walking as opposed to waiting until they aren’t walking any more, and thus perhaps have some privacy so that every person they pass on the sidewalk doesn’t have to overhear their conversation about how they are so pissed that their birth-control pill didn’t work, and about how they are now considering a lawsuit.

Which transitions nicely into the primary reason I can’t stand it when people talk on their cell phones while walking. Sure, the people who do it are bastards, and there are other reasons to dislike the practice. For example, people who walk and talk on their cell phones tend to scream their conversations as if they were calling somebody from a Calcutta train station.

However, I wouldn’t mind all the screaming if these conversations weren’t the most asinine things people could think of saying. I would be sympathetic if the person on the cell phone was coaching somebody through the disarming of a thermo-nuclear bomb strapped to Willy Wonka or open spinal-cord surgery on a giant panda.

But it’s always something along the lines of, "So what are you doing right now? ... Oh nothing? That’s pretty sweet ... yeah I’m doing nothing too, just walking to class ... Yeah I got totally plastered last night on vodka margaritas, totally wicked killer sweet! ... Wow there sure are a lot of ugly people walking around this campus. So I‘ll see you later? ... No? Well OK, bye."

And it just adds to the further confusion that is my life when I’m walking around, befuddled and disoriented as is my want, and I hear somebody behind me loudly proclaim something like the above one-sided dialogue. Since I can tell that there is only one person behind me, and since I am an idiot, I automatically assume that this person is talking to me. So then I’m very much embarrassed when I turn around and exclaim, "Wow, plastered on margaritas!? Congratulations!" (as that is the polite thing to do).

When I hear somebody behind me who is alone start to loudly speak, I assume that this person is either talking to me or is speaking with the government aliens in their brain, via external telepathy. Either way I react in a completely inappropriate manner to deal with somebody who is speaking on a cell phone, except it’s not my fault because I had no way of knowing they were on a cell phone. Ergo, I shouldn’t be held responsible for my actions, and thus it should be completely legal to throw rocks at people who walk around talking on cell phones.

And that’s the moral of this column: because of circumstances beyond my control, people who walk down the street while talking on cell phones should be exempt from laws that protect people from getting hit in the face with rocks.

I mean, Jesus Christ, when your phone rings how hard is it to stop, answer it, tell the person you’ll call them back in two minutes, hang up and then keep walking?