The World Series of Poker is like crack by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Dec. 10, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
It really is too. As far as I'm concerned televised championship poker is the best sport in the world, and that's a very depressing fact.

I still hate going to the movies by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Dec. 3, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is the fourth installment of my famous movie-review columns where I reviewed movies I haven't seen by describing what kind of torture I'd rather go through than actually see each movie.

It's what makes Turkey Day so special by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Nov. 19, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
Turkey should be considered a dangerous narcotic. It should be illegal to drive under the influence of turkey. Gibblets should be sold in dime bags. Etc.

I'm only doing it to pay for an education by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Nov. 12, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
I think we can all agree that the American Dream involves inventing a new illegal drug and distributing it on the black market.

We love gripe line shenanigans by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Nov. 5, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
I finally, finally got to use the line "Rectum? Damn near killed him!" Thank god all the people who leave us messages have fixations with butts and poop.

An important column about a key issue by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Oct. 29, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
You might think the title suggests sarcasm because this column is about ladybugs, but you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. This is about ladybugs that are back for revenge and thirsty for blood, and that's messed up. People want to know about crap like that.

How to fix democracy: the wrong way by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Oct. 22, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is the historic column where the print media world was first rocked by the concept of a gorilla wearing a kaiser helmet and a cape, riding a segway and holding a Tommy gun in each of his meat paws.

The California joke candidates (besides the one who won) by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Oct. 15, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
Did you know that there were people running for governor of California in the recall election who were so dangerously underqualified that they made Larry Flynt look like an appealing choice?

Let's all go to the lobby by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Oct. 8, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is the third installment of my famous movie-review columns where I reviewed movies I haven't seen by describing what kind of torture I'd rather go through than actually see each movie.

Chaos in California by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Oct. 1, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
I got hatemail for this one from a crazed Michael Jackson fan in New York who did not like the one paragraph of bad stuff I wrote about Jackson, but my "Leave Jacko Alone" column, which was far more vicious, received no hatemail because it was done ironically, which means an idiot would think I was actually defending Michael Jackson, and as we all know, crazed Michael Jackson fans are all idiots. In summation, this column is about the California recall election.

Flash mobs are my favorite type of mob by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Sep. 24, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
God I hate Greenland.

Sandwich bags and Q-tips, only ten bucks by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Sep. 17, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
Have you ever had a "job interview" where they "interviewed" you by making you work for them for an entire workday without paying you under the guise that it was an "interview?" I have.

Welcome back, suckers! by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Sep. 10, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
"Why, in this column alone I've already made slight references to transvestite midgets, morbidly obese granny exhibitionists and the forbidden love between donkeys and robots."

Idiot reflects after first year by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the May 14, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
Apparently I didn't have any idea of what to write about this week, so I wrote some crappy reflection about the conclusion of my first year of being editor of my paper's humor page. It isn't a very good column, you don't have to read it.

Reality shows are better than reality by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the May 7, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
You people do know that pretty much everything I've written is really, really sarcastic, right? I don't want anybody to get the wrong idea or anything.

Summer movies offer unwatchable garbage by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the April 30, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is the second installment of my famous movie-review columns where I reviewed movies I haven't seen by describing what kind of torture I'd rather go through than actually see each movie.

Crooked elections are the best elections by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the April 23, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
There was a vote to approve a "wellness center" at my school that would work to attract future athletes and cost us an ass-load of money, despite the fact that it wouldn't be finished until long after the current students graduate. As such, some athletic coaches at the school forced their players to vote "yes" on the wellness center so they could have better players when the thing gets built; like players who are smart enough not to vote yes for a wellness center.

Let’s re-renovate the union! by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the April 16, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
One year after finishing renovations to the student union that cost millions of dollars, my school wanted to spend another million to renovate the Union again, this time to add a moat and an outdoor theater.

People suck at the gripe line by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the April 9, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
My paper has this thing called 'the gripe line' where people can call and leave anonymous messages and then we'll print them. Most of the time these messages are stabs at humor. Surprisingly, they usually aren't funny.

The hilarity of war by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the April 2, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
Wars are great sources of comedy gold, especially when the president is telling you to defend yourself with duct tape. Remember that? Oh, you don't? Well screw you.

Apologizing for Spring Break by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the March 26, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
Lot's of people do stuff during Spring Break that they later regret, like killing a prostitute. I provide them with a way of apologizing without putting forth any effort. Take THAT, dead prostitute's family!

Go to Hell, Buttman by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the March 12, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
I advocate smoking in this column because my school decided to use an ass as the core of an anti-smoking advertising campaign, and I don't like asses.

Hooray for OSA! by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the March 5, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is a column about how student government groups at universities will debate such pressing issues as "what is our official stance on the war in Iraq?" and "The phone is to stay in the office. If the office is too noisy, phone use is limited to the couches outside the office."

Who doesn't love Pepsi? by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the February 26, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
After Pepsi bought my school, or something, I wrote this column about how the Chancellor is a vampire, or something. You know what? I didn't actually read it, but it's probably pretty good.

Leave Jacko Alone by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the February 19, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
After that Prime Time special about Michael Jackson aired that proved he was criminally retarded, I wrote this column to attack the people attacking Jacko. Also I compare him to Martin Luther King Jr. and his face to Bea Arthur's genitals.

You should all take my advice about movies by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the February 12, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is the very first installment of my famous movie reviews where I reviewed movies I haven't seen by describing what kind of torture I'd rather go through than actually see each movie.

Obviously, I get loads of fan mail by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the February 5, 2003 issue of the Advance-Titan
You know how columnists sometimes do those stupid "mailbag" columns where they respond to mail that they get? This is one of those, except it's all fake mail, because nobody sends me any real mail, because I smell, or something.