All I want for Christmas. . . by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the December 11, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
"I don’t think this is asking too much. I could have really given Santa an impossible task by asking for world peace or the end to world hunger or something like that. All I’m asking for are material possessions. All Santa has to do is go to the store and buy that stuff. Let’s see Santa try to find a store that sells world peace."

I hate Thanksgiving by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the December 4, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is a column about why Thanksgiving is a stupid holiday. I mean really, who wears hats with belt buckles on them?

Gripline says: Blackhawk blows by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the November 20, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
Somebody called the "anonymous messages in the newspaper" answering machine to say that the food on campus sucks. For some reason, I defended the food on campus. I don't know what I was on that week.

We need better speakers by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the November 13, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
The principal from "Saved by the Bell" sucks. Screaming pitchman Billy Mayes, on the other hand, rocks.

Stop stealing stuff by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the November 6, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
This column proves how courageous and brave I am when it comes to taking stances. After a string of thefts, I advocated that people not steal stuff. Aren't I courageous and brave?

Differential tuition: revealed by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the October 30, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
My school had this great plan where they would bill students even more money and not change anything at all, and when people complained the administration would say "you mean you're not better off than you were two years ago?" and hope that alcohol had killed enough brain cells that students wouldn't be able to remember what happened two years ago. True story.

I am still always right by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the October 23, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
Some doucher wrote to our paper to complain about how he missed the sarcasm in my dangerously sarcastic column about advocating killing student government groups. This column explains why he is a doucher.

The streets will run red with the blood of Dan Bush by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the October 16, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
Here I expose the inherent flaws in being a college-aged communist by promoting a violent, Bolshevik revolution of the student government group at the college I go to.

Whose birthday is it? Someone gets a spanking by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the October 9, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is an obviously real, not-at-all made-up account of how I spent my 20 birthday getted maced by police in a neighborhood known as "Little Beirut."

Read this or I'll sue you by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the October 2, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
I wrote this hilariously original article about how there are so many useless lawsuits in this country. Pretty creative, eh?

Third Party Candidates Rule by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the September 18, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
This column is about the hilarious third-party candidates who ran for governor of Wisconsin in 2002. None of them won.

The beatings will now commence by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the September 11, 2002 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is the first column I ever wrote as the person in charge of writing funny stuff on a newspaper. That's why it's so bad. But don't worry, they get sort of better from here.