Unless you’ve been watching nothing but pornography for the past three weeks, you might have noticed that we seem to be at war. No, wait. Actually, I’m sure there have already been at least six porn films made in the past week featuring characters with names like George W.’s Bush and Sodomy Hussein attempting to come to a "peaceful resolution."

With all the coverage of this war you people have absolutely no excuse for not knowing what’s going on. If you don’t know exactly which unpronounceable city is being bombed with the help of a night vision television camera, it means you are a crazy mountain man who shuns technology because you claim it grows terror elves in your brain.

War is a very serious matter. The fear of armed conflict can scar individuals for the rest of their lives. It can be very traumatic having your favorite television shows or sports events pre-empted because a Kevlar-clad Ted Koppel needs to assure America that even though the Iraqi troops have rocks, these rocks most likely will not be used against American civilians because nobody in the Iraqi army can throw that far, although the threat that a rock might be snuck into the country is very real.

And don’t be fooled. The fear of rock-toting terrorists is what this war is all about. Obviously, nobody is afraid of the mighty juggernaut that is the Iraqi army. This is a country that is so poor that they have not yet invented the shoe. Actually, they did invent the shoe, but they forgot how since they had to eat them all for sustenance. Our solution to their rampant deprivation, obviously, is to bomb them.

This war nearly didn’t happen. There was much opposition from various celebrities, all of whom clearly don’t deserve to have their tongues pulled out of their mouths with tongs and inserted into their anuses.

Our president must have become so hesitant after he found out Sean Penn and Martin Sheen don’t approve of a war with Iraq. And Martin Sheen plays the president on television, which means more people pay attention to him than they do the real president. And I don’t think I even have to mention OSA’s influence.

So now we have established why we are at war; all we have to do is violently ravage Iraq, and that will somehow make the Islamic fundamentalists who hate us not want to blow us up anymore. Just don’t ask any questions unless you hate America.

But I’m sure you’re wondering what you can do to help combat the war on terrorism. Well, for starters, if you want to rally support for the war why don’t you go protest the war in front of the White House?

When the American people see you with a poorly written, mistake-laden sign that says "I am no like war and I vote!" and when you tell a television news reporter "War is bad! Why don’t we just try out world peace for a while and see how that works?" everyone in the country will say "Whoa! They ain’t none too bright!" and go out to buy duct tape to send to the troops.

And really, duct tape is the key to winning the war on terrorism, which is the same as the war with Iraq. Which is why the government has decided to help all us citizens by telling us what supplies we need to waste our money on in order to prevent ourselves from dying due to terrorism.

Among these extremely importantly supplies are duct tape and plastic sheeting. Apparently, the terrorists plan on throwing bombs through the open windows of our cars, and the safest thing we can do is duct tape garbage bags where the car window should be.

If that sounds ridiculous to you, just be glad you’re not being advised by the Australian government, which advised citizens to stock up on sunscreen and playing cards (to keep the family entertained, you see) in case of a terrorist attack. Because when a fiery death is raining down upon you and your family and you can’t talk to each other because you’re lungs are all choked with that mysterious green gas, you’ll want to make sure you can still play cribbage.

Also, you’ll want to wear lots of sunscreen. Assuming the terrorists can get their hands on weapons of mass destruction, you don’t want to get a sunburn. Those gamma rays are more harmful to your skin than you’d think.

So besides stockpiling tape and bottled water, is there anything else you can do to help prevent terrorism?

No. Although you have a few choices in coping with terrorism. You could barricade yourself in your home and, cowering on the floor, point a shot gun at the door and fire at anything that looks like it might try to terrify you. Or you could just watch the war on television and be relieved that the horror of war is happening so very far away.