Attorney Samuel Hirsch and the parents of two overweight teens have recently filed a suit against McDonald’s in the New York Supreme Court on behalf of the teens. They claim the chain’s unhealthy meals made the children obese, which caused them to develop severe health problems including heart disease.

This case was filed just weeks after a New York city maintenance worker, also represented by Hirsch, filed a suit against Burger King, McDonald’s, Wendy’s and KFC.

To most people the concept of suing a fast food restaurant for making them fat is about as nuts as suing the Backstreet Boys because they knowingly made an album that nobody could ever like and sold it to the public.

I, on the other hand, think this lawsuit is pure genius. This insane lawsuit will be the springboard for me to file several insane lawsuits of my own.

Throughout my entire life, I have been unable to take responsibility for my own actions, and instead of being punished for it, I want to cash in and receive fabulous prizes.

The first step in my plan is to find a lawyer completely devoid of morals. This will take about three minutes. After extensive planning sessions, my unscrupulous attorney and I will decide which people in my life have screwed me over by assuming that I can be trusted.

The first target on our list will be the public schools I attended.

Those heartless criminals knew I was stupid, and still failed to make me smart. Despite the several warning signs I showed, including doing poorly and not attending classes, my teachers knowingly did not succeed in making me less stupid.

I figure I can get at least $47 million from that lawsuit, as it is common knowledge that public schools are the most wealthy institutions in America.

The second suit I plan on filing will be a class-action lawsuit I will file on behalf of the entire population of the United States. I will sue the military and every police department in the nation because they knowingly allowed crime, pain, struggle, strife and injustice to continue within the country.

They should have completely wiped out all those bad things, as that is what they are there for. We’ll probably get a huge settlement out of that, but I personally won’t see much of it as I will have to share it with more than 280 million people. That might not even be worth the trouble of paying the fake witnesses.

The third party I plan on filing a suit against is the U.S. government. Those criminals sitting there in Washington have, year after year, forced me to pay taxes, despite the fact that I don’t want to.

But that’s just one reason they should be forced to give me more money than I deserve. The government has several laws that I am not reminded of constantly.

For example, those fat cats have decided that it should be illegal for me to prance about the streets naked, yet they have failed to put up signs every two feet reading, "Do not be naked." For that, I should be rewarded with huge sums of money.

There are even institutions within our university that I plan on suing. For instance, I will soon be filling a lawsuit against the Oshkosh Student Association (OSA) because I find student government boring.

In that lawsuit I actually have several witnesses who can vouch for the boringness of OSA, including many students who don’t know what OSA is or what it does.

An obvious target is the university itself for making me pay large amounts of money for tuition despite the fact that semester after semester I learn nothing.

While many people may see that as a personal problem, I think many people will also see me unfit to make rational decisions. I’ll use the insanity plea and make millions!

Other targets I plan to sue will be Nike for willingly making shoes with laces that might be untied and that I could trip on, my parents for knowingly raising me without teaching me to take responsibility for my actions, and God for making me ugly and making life unfair.

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I will be filing lawsuits against so many people that even if I lose 90 percent of my cases I’ll still be a millionaire. And after I am a millionaire, I will be suing my attorney for making me pay legal fees.