After 13 weeks of confusion, frustration and humiliation, the end of the semester is finally in sight. It is this blessed time of the year that any optimism students have about the completion of classes is annihilated by the sad fact that they will now be spending 48 hours doing six-weeks worth of work.

And it’s nobody’s fault but our own. We put off so much work until the last week of the semester that it’s like we’re trying to win a bet. Anything that is due the last week of the semester isn’t even getting started until the last week of the semester. This is because we are idiots, myself included.

For centuries college students have compensated for the time they lost watching Nickelodeon and guzzling things poured into funnels by taking heart-exploding doses of caffeine and going on non-stop, three-day paper-writing binges. This is because college students are, once again, idiots.

But times change! And with the methodical plodding of progress comes advances in the field of hallucinogenic study aides.

You have to keep up with science! People are using prescription drugs, normally used for curing bouts of acting out in loud children, to study better. A.D.D. drugs like Ritalin and Adderall, when used by normals, increase focus and concentration, as well as make it easier to study without sleeping.

You are now competing against people who are using these drugs! You can no longer be satisfied with simply injecting a pail of coffee grounds into your bloodstream and churning out your research paper at 4 A.M. on the day that it’s due, because the curve will be set by the people smoking Ritalin joints.

And although they are also churning their papers out the day which they are due, they are doing it better because their drugs are more potent.

And this thus dawns a new golden age of studying! But what changes will you be forced to make in this new glorious era, where vast scores of knowledge can be acquired from a 12-year-old’s "sit-still" medication and a 36-hour coke high?

Luckily for you, I have decided to hoist the responsibility of preparing you for the pill age of academia onto myself! As someone who has gone through the experience of mixing Red Bull and coffee so as to teach myself in one morning the complete history of Asian politics, or what the hell ever, I believe I am qualified to tell you how to improve your studying habits now that the drugs you use to teach yourself Asian politics, or what the hell ever, are the very same drugs you use to watch Yu-Gi-Oh without having a seizure.

Ergo, the following is a list of tips I believe you can use to help lessen the chest-palpitating stress that comes at the end of any semester.

Also, there is a common theme that runs through all of my advice. Do you think you can find it? Here’s a hint: it’s the only thing that can really help you get through the end of the semester without stabbing some poor professor. Here’s another hint: it’s something drug addicts do a lot.

HOW TO STUDY MORE GOOD

• Taking an excessive dosage of Ritalin to help you focus on schoolwork can be dangerous. Instead of downing dozens of pills, crush the Ritalin into powder with a mortar and pestle, then freebase it. This helps eliminate the choking hazard associated with those darn pills. Also the high is more intense.
• Caffeine can help you stay awake all night, but if you’re not careful you’ll be performing sexual acts on strangers in the bathroom of a Starbucks hoping to scratch together enough money to get a hit of sweet, sweet mocha latte.
• Alcohol may not help you study better, and it may actually be detrimental to your chances of not failing your final exams, but by this point if you’re even considering using alcohol as a study aide than I assume you haven’t got much left to lose, so it couldn’t hurt, right?
• Remember to take frequent breaks from studying. Instead of working all through the night, take time off occasionally to take a walk, watch TV or take some drugs to help counteract all that Adderall you snorted to help you stay awake. You might want to try something to get your heartbeats per minute down to less than four digits, like Morphine or heroin.
• Those wacky raver kids take the drug ecstasy to help them party all night long; maybe if you take some E you’ll be able to study all night. It could work maybe.
• If you have a presentation or speech as a final project, try using transparencies and an overhead projector to illustrate your points. This is usually as effective as a Powerpoint presentation, plus the fumes from those markers you use to write on the transparency sheets will totally mess you the hell up.
• The key to getting good grades and avoiding stress is to study and begin work early, as opposed to procrastinating and doing it all at the last minute. Invent a time machine, go back in time about three months and tell yourself this. Also remember you tell your past self to avoid taking any drugs that you have since become addicted to.
• Certain cough syrups, when taken in amounts far exceeding the recommended dosage, are very powerful drugs, and can be highly narcotic or induce hallucinations. I don’t really know how that relates to studying better, but, hey: cough syrup -- that’s pretty neat.
• Using drugs intended to treat A.D.D. like Ritalin or Adderall to improve focus and productivity has been called analogous to using steroids to excel at professional sports. Baseball players who use steroids are rewarded with awesome muscles and multi-million dollar contracts. I guess what this proves is that there is no downside to abusing prescription drugs, so go wild, I guess (editor’s note: do not go wild).