It was recently revealed in leaked grand jury testimony that record-breaking baseball star and sasquatch Barry Bonds admitted to maybe using illegal steroids without his knowledge.

Naturally the public reaction to this news is that Bonds lied, he did know he was taking steroids and he did it a lot, because there’s no way anybody would never question, as they are inflating like Bruce Banner waiting in line at the DMV, that there are steroids in the mysterious creams and liquids being given to them by a steroid merchant.

Nobody could be that stupid. If what Bonds told the grand jury was true and he didn’t know that he had used steroids, then he’d have to be so retarded to not have figured it out that his hand-eye coordination would be too poor for him to be physically able to play baseball — without the aid of steroids, of course.

Bonds had to have been using steroids. Ten years ago he was built like a guy who delivers packages on a bike; now he looks like one of those guys who competes in those Strong Man competitions on ESPN where Scandinavian guys see who can take out the most helicopters by pelting them with anchors.

You don’t just up and decide one day that you’re going to make that change. You can’t just walk up to the counter at a vitamin hut at a mall and ask for something legally approved for human use to add a solid 11 inches of muscle to the diameter of your wrist.

That’s the kind of thing that, if you want it, you’ll be haggling with the MetRX sales person trying to get them to sell you something from their personal stash, much like someone who tries to buy weed from a record store clerk.

The reason that superstar athletes like Bonds are using steroids despite the legal, ethical and health risks is because they want fabulous cash prizes.

These sports heroes are shooting syringes full of pure testosterone into their ass cheeks because having the size, aggression and murder capability of a polar bear can mean the difference between having a $6 million signing bonus and a $1.2 million one.

Jason Giambi, another baseball player with forearms the size of pumpkins, used steroids to trick the New York Yankees into thinking he was good at baseball, and thus they paid him lots of millions of dollars. And because of baseball’s Caveat Emptor approach to the leasing of skills, the Yankees are stuck paying Giambi the $80 million they still owe him.

It’s results like Giambi’s which make me think, “Hey, maybe I should be using steroids.” It’s not that I am in any position to think I could consider playing any sport professionally, but maybe I could if I was prone to fits of uncontrollable rage and my back was covered with acres upon acres of pimply, pock-marked muscles. How would I know unless I tried?

As far as I’m concerned, taking illegal steroids to get a monumental sports contract is like goading Charlie Sheen into a fight so that he’ll hit you with an empty bottle of Jim Beam and you can sue him for assault: they’re both really painful, and they both take a lot of commitment, but if you have patience and ignore all the good advice that people give you to not do either of those things, then you’ll wind up with what is essentially free money.

Even if I don’t pursue a lucrative career in sports, I think my life can still be bettered by steroids. Who wouldn’t want to be bigger, faster, stronger, angrier and have a faster heartbeat? People would be afraid of you; it would be like buying a gun, except instead of getting that “murder high” by shooting other people, you get it by shooting yourself, then manually mauling other people.

And as if you couldn’t already tell from the fact that everybody is doing it, taking steroids makes you totally cool!

The steroids used by Bonds and other famous steroid-users are called “designer” steroids, as if they’re the expensive steroids made by Guess Jeans or Jordache or whatever that the cool, rich kids bought at the upscale vitamin-supplement store to flaunt the fact that they are cool and rich. That just makes me want to use steroids more, because I’ve always wanted to be cool.

The only downside to using steroids that could possibly exist is that once you take steroids you’ll never again be able to hold and pet a bunny, kitten, wounded bird or small child in your massive meat paws ever again without crushing the life out of it.

But I think it’d be worth it to hit 38 home runs in a season, because then I could negotiate a contract so large that I would be able to afford to pay other people to hold and pet cute animals for me.