As reported in the Oct. 30 issue of the Advance-Titan, there have been a string of thefts of expensive electronic equipment, including a $1,500 computer, from campus.

Obviously when people are walking out of computer labs carrying computers they aren’t supposed to be carrying, there is a breakdown in the system. But it’s not just computers people are looting. So far this year two $300 DVD players and a projector from the journalism department have been stolen.

What kind of jerk would steal from the journalism department? I could understand stealing rocks from the geology department or staplers from the college of business, but stealing from the journalism department is like punching Jesus in the face.

However, since I once read in a fortune cookie that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound a cure, we should be working on ways to prevent further thefts instead of punishing people who already committed thefts. This is probably what the University Police has in mind by being so incredibly apathetic about finding the thieves. Good job, UP!

The first step in preventing further thefts is, of course, red tape. One reason it was so easy for someone to walk out of a computer lab with a computer is that it’s so easy to gain access to the labs and use the computers. All we have to do is make people fill out so much paperwork that they wouldn’t even want to use the computer lab, and no one will try to steal a computer again.

However, people still might actually fill out the paperwork. Just by looking at the computers, they become a threat to steal them. This is why we should arm the computer lab attendants and give them instructions to shoot anyone who looks suspicious.

If someone tries to steal a computer now, even in front of the lab attendant, there would be very little stopping them. What is the lab attendant going to do, throw a computer science textbook at the thief? The computers on this campus are almost completely helpless, and the only things that could ever hope to protect them are armor-piercing bullets.

The biggest problem, however, is the other electronic items that must be checked out for use, such as digital cameras or DVD players. At least computers are heavy and can be guarded by mentally unbalanced 19-year-olds with firearms. What’s to stop someone from signing out an expensive personal electronic and never returning it?

The first thing to do is increase the amount of paperwork ten fold. People shouldn’t be able to check out electronics unless they can fill out forms asking how much money they gave and/or received in donations each year for the past 15 years. The new improved system should make doing your taxes seem like a fun and enjoyable exercise.

But the biggest thing that needs addressing is the penalties for not returning something that has been checked out. Instead of a slap on the wrist, such as a fine, the penalties should be unfair and barbaric.

For example, if a professor checks out a DVD player and doesn’t return it on time, the professor’s thumbs get cut off. If a student checks out a digital camera and loses it, the student will get stoned to death.

As much as students and faculty may not like these changes, they are essential to the safety and well-being of our school. If we don’t increase the safety precautions, the school will be forced to buy brand new computers every single year ... oh wait. Never mind.