As you've probably noticed, there have been several copies of a bizarre Maoist newspaper circulating around campus recently. And if you haven't, well then let me rephrase that: you have probably noticed several copies of a bizarre newspaper with a big picture of the president flipping off some dying Vietnamese refugees on it.

For those of you who don't know what Maoism is, it's named after Chinese communist pioneer Mao Zedong, and it's what communism is like in China, or something. It's probably not that simple and there are probably several key differences, but I'm going to wager that anybody who cares what those differences are probably already knows what they are.

Now, I don't know what the hell a Maoist newspaper is doing on campus, but I'm not complaining. I can't tell you how many times I've sat around this school thinking to myself, "Well boy howdy, I tell you what this school needs is news from a Maoist's point of view!"

While this Maoist paper does deliver some hard-hitting news (did you know that Bible factories in America are, in actuality, terrorism schools?) I would have to say that the best part of this paper is an ad for the paper's Web site, which proclaims that it is the only place on the face of the entire planet that features Maoist movie and music reviews.

And I do believe that I speak for everybody who hasn't had their motor skills impaired by inhaling a Styrofoam packing peanut through their nostril and getting it lodged in a brain crease that when I'm torn between spending my money on the new Hilary Duff CD or the new Hilary Duff movie, I would like to know what a Maoist would prefer I spend my money on.

Since my whole life up to this point has been a vain struggle to become as cool as the Maoists, and since I love consistency, I have decided to rip them off once again and write Maoist reviews of pop-culture crap. But since this newspaper has already cornered the market on Maoist critiques of cinema and music (did you know that rapper 50 Cent presents an idealistic view of the bourgeois?), I am now forced to write Maoist critiques of a children's cartoon show on the Nickelodeon network.



SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

Spongebob is a yellow, undersea, box-shaped, lower-life form who wears shorts and a tie. While, on the surface, this might appear to be a whimsical romp intended to entertain children, it is actually an allegory for the plight of the proletariat.

Spongebob works at the Crusty Crab, a fast-food restaurant owned by the bourgeois Mr. Crabs, a red (ironic, no?) crustacean who values money over all else, including his own life. In one episode, upon being threatened by a possible thief, Crabs says “Please don’t shoot me! OK, well you can shoot me, but please don’t take me money!”

Crabs constantly oppresses Spongebob, forcing him to work long hours at minimal pay and with absolutely no chance of advancement, yet Spongebob is delighted to flip burgers, enjoying it as much as capitalist Crabs enjoys his dirty money. Indeed, working in a fast-food kitchen seems to be the only thing that brings Spongebob any joy at all, save for “blowing bubbles” and “catching jellyfish,” which are both obvious metaphors for alcohol, the traditional opiate of the worker.

What kind of message are we sending to our children? That the only way they can be happy is to sign their life away to Ronald McDonald (whose hair, like Mr. Crabs’ skin, is red -— this cannot be a coincidence) and work as his slave forever as a yellow sea sponge?

And the show’s creators are obviously editorializing by making Spongebob, the poor oppressed worker, a sea sponge, one of the lowest life forms on Earth. If this show were unbiased and objective, then Spongebob would be something that represents the glorious power of the proletariat, like a hammerhead shark, killer whale or giant octopus.

One of the show’s few bright spots is Spongebob’s neighbor and co-worker at the Crusty Crab, Squidward. Squidward, who actually handles the money while Spongebob only handles food, is disillusioned and unhappy with his lot in life and is often revolting against the degenerate Crabs.

However, Squidward is often depicted as a decidedly negative character. He is pessimistic, surly, grumpy, cynical, unpleasant and intolerable, and although those are characteristics that should be valued, he is often chastised for them. Whereas children should be learning to follow his example of refusing to bow down to the haughty capitalist, they instead begin to associate worker dissent with unhappiness because, despite his aforementioned positive characteristics, Squidward is depicted as lonely and having no friends, save for Spongebob, whom Squidward hates for having bought into capitalist propaganda.

Another such problem arises with Spongebob’s best friend, an obese starfish named Patrick. Patrick should be a positive character, as he is unemployed and thus clearly does not buy into the brutal capitalist machine, which consumes workers as fuel; he is a complete bumbling idiot, even more so than Spongebob.

There are numerous other key issues within “Spongebob Squarepants” that need to be explored in greater depth than can be done here. For example, only a complete moron would fail to notice the oppressive phallic trope of Squidward’s flaccid yet elongated nose. And the undersea kingdom the show takes place in is named Bikini Bottom, and if you can’t see how that is oppressive to womyn, then you should be sent to Siberia to work in a forced-labor camp until you die of an infected gunshot wound in your thigh, you capitalist pig.

More information on this subject can be found in my lengthy and boring essay “Squidward’s Nose: The Negative and Resounding Repercussions and Fallacy of Having a Major Character in a Children’s Television Program be Both a Homosexual and a Squid,” which, until I inevitably find somebody to publish it, is only available on my Web site and as a poorly Xeroxed manuscript I will mail out upon request.

Because of an obvious capitalist bias and a total unwillingness to even attempt to be objective, on my rating system of a possible four giant posters of Chairman Mao, I am forced to give the capitalist propaganda “Spongebob Squarepants” a rating of only one giant poster of Chairman Mao.