As the poor, defenseless students of this university have no doubt noticed, the student government body, the Oshkosh Student Association (OSA) does not work for us. We are trapped in a mechanical bureaucracy where the rich get richer and the drunk get drunker.

Students are unhappy or unaware that they are unhappy. And the only way to stop the exploitation of the student is with a Bolshevik revolution of OSA.

The OSA president and vice president’s dirty stipends are printed with the blood of the hard-working students.

The typical student spends a lifetime (or four years, if they bribe the right people in order to pass all their classes) in a menial existence, feeding the monster that is OSA.

Students slave in classrooms that sometimes aren’t air-conditioned and can reach temperatures as high as 75 degrees (see Sept. 18 issue of the Advance-Titan) so that the crooked members of OSA can have more comfortable chairs and buttons that have their names on them when they want to run for re-election.

OSA is large, nameless and faceless (except for the faces and names of the senators). Regardless, it is large. It is large and evil.

Clearly, OSA needs more than a kick square in its complacent teeth. OSA needs to be removed from power in a bloody revolution. However, there don’t seem to be too many groups interested in overthrowing OSA. The United Students in Resident Halls (USRH) and Reeve Union Board (RUB) have an unholy alliance with OSA, and the university police support both sides, forming an Axis of Evil.

With nobody else willing to lead the charge, I find myself as the leader of this communist insurrection. I have dramatic plans to put the power of the university back in the hands of the students, instead of other students who are barely elected by the students I want to give the power to.

And I’m prepared to take on the responsibilities of being the temporary lifetime president of the Bolshevik regime I plan to put into place. I even have all the details worked out. I plan on collectivizing the parking structure. I have a five-year plan in which Elmwood Commons will be converted into a smelting plant. I will also build gulags for political prisoners.

However, I have found that organizing thousands of students to storm the OSA stronghold within Reeve Memorial Union and slaughter the capitalist pen pushers is a much more difficult task than I had originally conceived.

First of all, it is rather challenging to post fliers that read "The streets will run red with the blood of Dan Bush!" and "Slit the throats of the USRH members as they sleep!" when the groups that decide which fliers students may post are OSA, USRH and RUB.

I should have guessed that OSA would take action against my right to freely express myself by demanding that I remove my huge, 40-foot-wide red banners with a picture of Che Guevara that reads, "Overthrow OSA." Hypocrites.

I have also found it difficult to rally student support behind my noble cause. For whatever reason, student organizations don’t seem too interested in violently overthrowing student government. And even though the College Republicans liked the idea of hanging Dan Bush in effigy, you’d be surprised how similarly negative the responses of the College Democrats and the College Republicans are to slaughtering the elected student body. Probably because they are all capitalist pigs.

But that is not the only setback that the revolution has encountered. Like any rebellious political genius, I have had to compromise my great message in order to gain support from the student body.

For example, one of my initial messages was, "beer is the opiate of the student." I wanted to use "opium is the opiate of the student" because it’s catchier, but there isn’t a rampant opium problem at the university.

Beer is a product that clouds the student’s mind and numbs the student’s body. It distracts the student from all the unscrupulous acts that OSA is committing, right under the student’s nose. And that is a proven fact. Just ask any student who doesn’t attend class but lines up at a bar 15 minutes before it opens what happened at the last OSA meeting, and there’s a good chance that he or she won’t even know what OSA is.

However, students aren’t very enthusiastic about getting rid of their beer. Knowing that having a ban on beer as one of my policies wouldn’t help me one iota, I decided to change my doctrine some.

Now I am telling students that OSA wants to make the university completely free of beer, and that by helping me lead the OSA members to the gallows I would give them free beer.

But by far the biggest obstacle that needs to be covered is supplying the revolution with matching outfits. It’s much more effective when thousands of guerilla students are storming the shores of the Fox River dressed the same.

However, I had no idea it would be so expensive to order 12,000 identical red berets.

And I really wish Wal-Mart sold Kalashnikov rifles in bulk because that would cut down on the amount of time I have to spend shopping around.

Again, I have had to make several compromises in the name of the great revolution. Whereas I initially wanted all the soldiers to wear matching fatigues embroidered with my face, I now have to settle on t-shirts with catchy slogans like "Stalin is Fantastic" or "Viven los Sandinistas!"

But despite these setbacks, the revolution will take place, and it will be televised. Speaking of that, don’t get too comfortable Titan TV. You’re next.