Did you all hear the great news? The wonderful announcement that the University plans to renovate Reeve Memorial Union again? This is great! What a brilliant plan concocted by people whose mothers clearly did not smoke crack while they were pregnant with them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this plan. Some people, however, are rational thinkers who want to ruin everything for every one else by pointing out the fact that we just renovated the union and the proposed renovations are pointless and stupid.

Don’t you just hate people like this? These are the kinds of jerks who take all the fun out of watching a bear ride a unicycle at the circus by telling you it is basically torture for the bear. What a bunch of party poopers!

The fact of the matter is we need these renovations to the union. It’s been over a year since it was last renovated. Do you know how long a year is? Think of all the technology that has been developed in the past year that is absent from the union!

The advancements in outdoor movie theater technology have been too great to ignore. Our school needs an outdoor movie theater. If we don’t get an outdoor movie theater, nobody will ever want to come here. Enrollment will plummet as current students transfer en masse to schools that do have outdoor movie theaters. The school will become as credible as the DeVry Institute or the University of Phoenix.

Just imagine how great it will be to have an outdoor movie theater! Just like with the current inferior, indoor theater, there will be only one movie shown every two weeks. Also, just like the indoor theater, the movies shown in the outdoor theater will be several months old, so no one will ever go to see them because anyone who would want to see them would have done so several months ago when they were relatively new.

Who wouldn’t want to enjoy the outdoor ambiance of Wisconsin during the middle of winter? What better conditions exist for movie watching than sitting outside in temperatures just a few degrees Kelvin above absolute zero?

The university also hopes to add a sculpture garden. But why stop there? Why not add a hedge maze? Or why not arbitrarily put a river on one side of the union? Oh wait . . .

As one can see from the pictures of the proposed renovations from the April 2 issue of the Advance-Titan, the university seems to think it is a good idea to put a moat where there currently isn’t one next to the union, making it more inconvenient for students to get to the union as they will now have to cross a bridge that, again, was not there before.

And I say why the hell not? Why not make students have to ford a river to get to a union they just paid to have renovated only to be told that those renovations weren’t complete without an outdoor theater and a river? Fording rivers builds character. The pioneers had to ford rivers all the time, and they had crap loads of character before they all died of dysentery.

But unlike the previous, apparently inadequate renovations, these renovations will be funded by alumni or companies willing to contribute to the university. So if you’re a student who loves giving the university money (and who doesn’t?) don’t worry.

Even though you won’t directly be paying for these renovations, you will be paying for them indirectly. If some company or alumni decides to donate a large chunk of change to the university, it will be going toward an outdoor movie theater that everyone will hate instead of something else, like preventing your tuition from going up any more than it already is.

But it’s not just dangerously unnecessary renovations students should be excited about. Don’t forget about the Wellness Center, which will feature simulated golf, archery and hunting. Because if there’s one thing I clearly want my tuition wasted on, it’s hunting and archery video games. Jesus Christ.