Ever since MTV first started making mentally unstable scum buckets live together in ultra-hip apartments furnished with pool tables and fish tanks, I have loved reality shows! And now that reality television is close to becoming as much a part of American life as apple pie and illiteracy, I have become as happy as a little school girl.

What kind of buffoon wouldn’t love reality shows? Watching a reality show is pretty much the most fun thing to do that I can think of, right up there with keeping my buttocks tightly clenched for an entire week and watching paint dry, especially since paint is really there, in reality!

And that’s why reality shows are so great; because they’re real. Fiction is a dead art. Nobody wants to watch a bunch of boring TV shows about people pretending to be people they really aren’t and doing things they didn’t really do. That’s basically lying!

The people from “CSI” aren’t really crappy crime scene investigators; they’re just crappy actors trying to convince us they’re crappy crime scene investigators.

Even if you can get over the fact you’re being lied to every time you watch “Law and Order,” fiction still isn’t nearly as entertaining as reality. Things like plot, story or characters you don’t want to violently kill only take time away from the real core of entertainment, which is composed of things like eating centipedes so your “tribe” can win some Pepsi products.

But reality shows are all real. You know when you see an idiot lounge singer arguing with an idiot gym teacher on “Survivor,” that they really are an idiot lounge singer and an idiot gym teacher, not idiot actors.

I just love the thrill of watching socially inept people on Big Brother scream at each other because somebody forgot to wash the dishes. This is a great escape from my dull, humdrum life where the only excitement I get is from being socially inept, washing the dishes and screaming at other socially inept people. But at least on Big Brother, everyone is more attractive than me and there are more minorities.

And don’t forget all the new reality shows, which very well might be the best ones yet! There’s “Mr. Personality,” where a woman has to choose a man based only on his personality (and everything below his neck) as all the contestants will be masked! That means all the contestants will be ugly. Hopefully, they’ll all be grotesque so she’ll be horrified when the winner’s face is revealed.

It’s also hosted by Monica Lewinsky, so the only way I can see this show being any better is if it was uncensored.

Well lucky for me “The Real Cancun” is now out in theaters! The first ever reality movie, “The Real Cancun” is just like a 90-minute-long episode of Elimidate or Road Rules, except all the profanity and nudity isn’t censored out. This is great, as now I will be able to tell what word they keep saying that is always bleeped out that starts with “f” and ends in a hard “k” sound. I’ve been trying to figure that out for years.

But as much as I love reality shows, I’m sure there are ways I can make them better. First, I think there is too much editing done to these shows. I don’t like that three days of people eating poisonous berries and crapping in the woods on “Survivor” is compacted down to a 44-minute show.

Each episode of “Survivor” should actually be three days long and televised in real time, so I don’t miss anything. I don’t want to fall behind on knowing who’s a total bitch.

And I wish there were more bigots on these shows. There are very few things in the world more entertaining than watching a sexist, homophobic, racist old man argue with a bunch of twenty-something women, homosexuals, minorities and naive white kids who think we can end racism and all the other problems in the world if we just stop hating each other.

While I’m sure you people would love to hear more of my suggestions to make the world a better place, I really need to go watch more reality-based entertainment, so I’m going to go to the mall to stare at people.