The university has recently signed a contract with Pepsi for the exclusive rights to rot the teeth of students here at Oshkosh.

What can students expect from this contract? Well, according to the Feb. 6 issue of the Advance-Titan (a publication of questionable repute), Pepsi will pay the university $73,000 a year.

However, the university will still be able to sell Coca-Cola products in the Corner Convenience Store, Pepsi will not receive significant advertising rights throughout the campus and every year the soft drink company will donate an all-terrain vehicle to the university to give away in a raffle.

Now, I may be an idiot, but somehow that doesn’t seem right to me. Pepsi is paying the school tens of thousands of dollars a year and the only thing Pepsi is getting in return is the that university will sell slightly less Coca-Cola products and Pepsi will have the right to give the university a free all-terrain vehicle every year?

That can’t possibly be the extent of the contract. That sounds like a contract the school tricked a soft drink company run by morons to sign. However, this isn’t Royal Crown cola we’re talking about. This is Pepsi Cola, a company that taught a chihuahua to talk and whore tacos.

There must be other, secret stipulations in the contract. It only makes sense, as it corresponds with all my other conspiracy theories (for example, you know all those blood drives held at the university? That’s just an excuse for the Chancellor to get the precious, red soup of life so he can sign contracts with Pepsi using the blood of the students).

So what changes can students expect now that Pepsi Cola has become the evil corporation ruling our school with a carbonated fist?

First, don’t be surprised on the first day of class when your professors, before passing out their syllabi, say "This isn’t just any syllabus! It’s a syllabus with a twist of lemon!" before pulling a zipper down the front of the syllabus, revealing an identical syllabus, except it tastes like lemon.

Second, I predict that within the next three months, Mountain Dew will be continuously pouring from every single orifice on the Chancellor’s body. Yes, even that one.

Third, expect the possession of non-Pepsi Cola soda products on campus to become more illegal than second degree murder and most types of terrorism.

There will be so many more changes in the upcoming year. And not just soda-related changes. Now that Pepsi has the rights to be the exclusive soft drink company of the university, expect the university to sign contracts with other companies to make them the official whatever it is they do of the university.

For example, the university could sign a contract with Heet that would give the university a token some of money every year and allow Heet to become the official gas line antifreeze of the university.

The commons will only be allowed to serve Heet gas line antifreeze, Heet will be the only gas line antifreeze allowed to advertise during athletic events and the only people who will give a crap will be the people who complain about it.