Like all other flashbulb memories in our lives, each and every one of us will remember where we were when we found out there was a warrant out for Michael Jackson’s arrest. And like most other people, I responded to the news by thinking of Jackson’s 1988 magnum opus “Moonwalker.”

I was saddened that I would no longer be able to enjoy this man’s fantasy/musical about rescuing children from Joe Pesci by transforming into things because I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the delightful mix of music videos and a live-action adventure story without thinking that the only reason he wants to rescue those children is because he wants to take naughty pictures of them sleeping in his racecar bed.

I, personally, was completely shocked by the revelation that Jacko is a monster. He has never exhibited any odd behavior, and has always been the absolute definition of normal, whether he’s bleaching his skin with various chemicals or carving his face with rusty razors until he reaches his desired goal of looking like Skeletor in drag.

Most Americans are looking to cope with his awful news any way they can, and some misguided souls think they can erase the mental image of a Michael Jackson sleepover and all it entails by going out to the local cinema and distracting themselves for a few hours by watching garbage proceeded by a few hours of commercials.

However, going to see a movie would only magnify the damage done by Celebrity Justice and Access Hollywood, as pretty much all of the movies that come out now are unmatchable. To help you decide which movies are just bad and which ones are Matrix-sequel bad, I will be providing you with yet another helpful and informative guide as to which horrible tortures I would rather endure than watch any of the holiday season’s biggest blockbusters.

The Cat in the Hat
Mike Meyers, a man whom I believe I can safely say everybody is sick of, ruins a perfectly good Dr. Seuss book by portraying the anthropomorphic cat protagonist and sucking at it.
Although it is obvious that watching this movie will be as painful as dental surgery, what’s especially awful is that now a generation of children will grow up thinking “The Cat in the Hat” is not a socio-economic assault on 1950’s values disguised as a whimsical romp of a children’s book, but rather the idiot from the Austin Powers movies whoring various Frito Lay products dressed in the costume Jim Carrey wore in that atrocious 2000 remake of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” except painted different colors.
Seriously, and all whimsy aside, this movie successfully proves all existence to be a big joke, and you have this movie to thank when you realize that your life is pointless and the only thing you have left to do is take as many people with you as possible as you go out in a blaze of glory.
Rating: I would rather have a sleepover at Michael Jackson’s house than watch this movie.

The Missing
TV’s Opie Cunningham directs this movie where a chimp played by Tommy Lee Jones boards a train to the animal refuge he grew up in to escape being sent to a medical lab. However, he is accidentally sent to a small Canadian town desperately in need of wacky chimp adventures. There, he meets the deaf Cate Blanchett and joins her brother’s loser hockey team, thus producing the first championship hockey team to be led by a monkey.
Actually, that’s the plot summary for the 2000 classic “Most Valuable Primate,” but I’m sure no one will really notice since nobody is reading this. Also, I’m sure “The Missing” will pale in comparison to any ape-driven children’s comedy.
Rating: I’d rather be savagely beaten by chimpanzees with hockey sticks than watch “The Missing.”

The Haunted Mansion
In this movie, Eddie Murphy, the internationally renowned thespian who starred in “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” and who had Judge Reinhold as a sidekick, gets spooked by non-threatening, PG-rated ghosts.
This movie is much more entertaining if you pretend that instead of trying to teach Murphy a valuable lesson about friendship, caring and not neglecting his family, the ghosts are actually trying to kill Murphy and drag him down to hell so he can share in their unending torment. For some reason, the thought of Eddie Murphy ablaze in a pool of molten sorrow somehow makes all his movies watchable.
Rating: I’d rather have Michael Jackson slice my nipples off with a cigar cutter and then cauterize the bloody wounds with melted candle wax.

Timeline
This is a movie about the douche from “The Fast and the Furious” going back in time to the age of knights and castles and crap. I can tell this movie isn’t going to be any good because the hero doesn’t win over the primitive, 14th century peasants with his daft knowledge of baseball, professional wrestling, skateboarding, rock music or break dancing. In fact, Martin Lawrence isn’t even in this movie, so how good could it possibly be?
Also, “Timeline” is based on a book by Michael Crichton, who also wrote the books that “Congo” and “Sphere” were based on, and did you see those movies? Jesus Christ, not cool!
It should also be noted that the concept of traveling back in time is truly unique, and has never before been done in any form of literature, including numerous episodes of G.I. Joe where they visit ancient Egypt.
Rating: I would rather have moray eels pull my colon outside of my ass than watch this.

The Last Samurai
Tom Cruise plays a Civil War veteran who decides for some reason to go to Japan and show their army how to use guns, or something like that. And as such, expect to see lots of montages of Cruise showing ninjas how to aim a musket juxtaposed with footage of the star of “Days of Thunder” slowly wielding a sword in front of a sunset as Japanese-sounding music plays.
If you find Cruise to not be a believable Civil War veteran, let alone a Civil War veteran turned ninja, there’s still a way for you to enjoy this movie: don’t ever see it or think about it.
Rating: I’d rather be escorted to the Tunnel of Love by Michael Jackson with a bottle of chloroform than watch this movie.

Stuck on You
This movie made by the Farrelly brothers, the filth-peddlers behind such works of high art as “Dumb and Dumber” and “Shallow Hal,” is about two conjoined twins and their wacky antics. This idea isn’t yet completely hammered into the ground, and therefore might still yield some promise, except the movie stars Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon.
In case you’ve forgotten, Greg Kinnear hosted a television show that showed highlights of the Jerry Springer Show and then starred in a movie about the guy from a sitcom about a Nazi P.O.W. camp who videotaped himself having sex; and Matt Damon is the guy Ben Affleck is cheating on with Jennifer Lopez.
As if “Stuck on You” didn’t already give you enough reasons not to see it, what with its groundbreaking, never-before-done plot, it also stars Cher.
Rating: I’d rather write a letter on pink stationary to Michael Jackson telling him that he’s the only one who is allowed to see my “secret junk” than see this movie.

Peter Pan
You might be wondering what the point of this movie is, considering there are already more than enough versions of this story in existence. Well, I have this theory that this movie was made and the filmmakers waited until Michael Jackson got arrested before they released it.
In addition to providing comedic hacks like myself plenty of opportunities to connect the apprehended former pop star to the fictional flying boy in tights, I believe this movie would get the filmmakers as much publicity as possible because now their movie is coming out right when every single television station is showing around-the-clock coverage of a middle-aged man who has bragged about dressing up as Peter Pan.
Rating: I would rather play pirates and dress up as one of the lost boys with Bubbles the chimp and Michael Jack ... you know what? Never mind.