Everybody should be like me. Everyone should think like me, dress like me, talk like me and even smell like me. Everyone should have my unmistakable musk wafting from their bodies at all times.

You might think that I’m just joking and I really don’t mean it when I say I’d rather be mauled by a rabid coyote than watch even the trailer for any movie with Sandra Bullock. But I’m not joking. I really do mean that.

I want everybody to share my feeling that all the movies that come out are so unwatchably bad that the best part about going to a movie theater anymore is to spend 50 cents to play Ms. Pac Man.

So I figure that if I can’t enjoy going to the movies, nobody else should enjoy it either. If you are unfamiliar with my rating system, here’s a brief summary: I rate each movie with the worst possible thing I would endure in lieu of watching said movie.

For example, I would rate a good movie, such as “Cool Runnings,” by saying I would merely rather ride a clean bus instead of watching it.

And for a movie that isn’t nearly as good as “Cool Runnings,” such as “McHale’s Navy,” I would say that I would rather be run over by a bus and stuck in the front axle and dragged for fifteen miles across a freeway instead of watching it.

I can only hope that by subconsciously juxtaposing the image of a bloody, oil-stained carcass stuck under a bus with any movie in your minds, you’ll all violently retch just by thinking about some awful movie where vampires fight werewolves, just like I do.

Therefore, I invite you to read my reviews and become violently ill the next time you even think about going to the movies.

Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star
David Spade plays a former child star attempting to make a Hollywood comeback by trying to get a role in a horrible sounding Rob Reiner movie. However, before Reiner will give him the part, Spade needs to hire a family and relive his childhood.
Because when you want to rebuild a shattered career, you naturally want to turn to the bloated sack of fluid who brought us such film classics as “North” and “The Story of Us,” right?
And let me add that there isn’t nearly enough gold in Fort Knox that would make it seem like a good idea to spend more than thirty seconds with David Spade. I’d like to gouge his eyes out with a wire whisk.
Rating: I’d rather have Rob Reiner sit on me than watch this movie. That stupid meathead.

Secondhand Lions
That annoying brat from “The Sixth Sense” plays an annoying brat who is sent by his negligent mother to live or visit or spend time or whatever with his eccentric, Texas bumpkin uncles played by Michael Caine and Robert Duval.
Because when I think of backwards, rural bumpkins from Texas, I think of Michael Caine and Robert Duval. Now, I know Caine and Duval are two great actors, but they couldn’t possibly be anybody’s first choices to play two characters named Garth and Hub. Was Jeff Foxworthy too busy doing Shakespeare in the Park or something?
Rating: I would rather have bamboo shoots shoved underneath all my toe and fingernails and then lit on fire than watch this delightful, feel-good family romp.

Duplex
Professional moron Ben Stiller and professional nitwit Drew Barrymore team up to portray an incompetent married couple being bullied by a geriatric swamp hag in this God-forsaken movie directed by professional ugly person Danny DeVito.
My passionate hatred for this movie can only be quelled with the knowledge that long after Stiller and Barrymore die, their legacy will endure and the two of them will be remembered solely for being the real-life son of George Costanza’s loudmouth dad and the cute little brat in a Steven Spielberg-directed commercial for Reese’s Pieces about a hideous yet adorable alien, respectively.
Rating: I would rather take a live rat, feed it morphine until it slips out of consciousness, swallow it whole and then jump up and down until it wakes up in my intestines and proceeds to go to town than watch this crappy movie.

Intolerable Cruelty
I was going to write a long and boring thing about how Catherine Zeta-Jones is married to a disgusting, dilapidated, dusty mummy who was already forty years old when he made “Romancing the Stone,” for Christ’s sake.
But then I noticed that George Clooney is going to star in a sequel to the repulsive 2001 remake of “Ocean’s 11,” conveniently titled “Ocean’s 12,” and that depressed me so much that I don’t even have energy to remember what movie I’m talking about. Oh well.
Rating: I would rather have my feet lopped off and baked into a pie fed to hungry dogs than watch “Ocean’s 12.” I mean “Intolerable Cruelty.” I mean whatever.

Good Boy!
A little boy with two Saturday Night Live rejects for parents discovers that his dog is really an alien and can speak perfect English. The movie has something to do with dogs being aliens who tried and failed to take over the earth, or something, which means you can look forward to plenty of canine-related humor such as the fact that dogs move their feet up and down when you scratch their ears or dog owners pick up their dog’s crap with sandwich bags. Hilarious.
Also, a bunch of other dogs can talk for some reason, and the dogs are all voiced by real winners like Delta Burke or Matthew Broderick.
“Oh, but he was Ferris Bueller! You can’t make fun of Ferris Bueller!” I can imagine you imps all yelling. Yeah, he was. He was also a live-action Inspector Gadget and the star of the worst Godzilla movie ever made.
Rating: You know, pandas have opposable thumbs, so they can grab you from behind.

The Rundown
Professional wrestler The Rock teams up with a guy most famous for appearing in a movie about sodomizing pies to take down a corrupt businessman played by professional weirdo Christopher Walken.
Here’s a fun fact: future governor of California, Arnold “Hercules Goes Bananas” Schwarzenegger, has a brief cameo in this movie. Here’s another fun fact: I only mentioned that previous fun fact so I could remind you all that the star of a movie called “Hercules Goes Bananas” is running for public office and is considered a “serious” candidate.
“The Rundown” is not just a flashy action movie; it’s also very deep and provocative. For example, by showing the sinister Walken as exploiting an indigenous people for his strip mining operation, the movie is able to take a very bold stance against slavery. How brave!
Rating: I would rather wrap my entire naked body in duct tape and have it ripped off in the most painful way possible (having the loose end of the tape tied to the back of a moving truck) than watch this action / adventure / comedy.

That concludes yet another entirely unsuccessful movie review column. As a small side note, I would like to say that I deserve accolades for not making any “Total Recall” jokes in my column last week about the California recall election. That required monumental restraint.

In fact, I deserve praise for not making any jokes at all in that column (rimshot!).