There are many things to love about summer: slowly developing skin cancer by absorbing as many deadly ultraviolet rays as possible; treading water for several hours in a swimming pool composed of 50 percent chlorine, 45 percent urine and 5 percent water and forgetting everything you’ve learned the previous semester by not using your brain for several weeks and inhaling fatal doses of freon from the air conditioner.

But by far the most enjoyable activity during the summer months is spending a small fortune to see a terrible movie. Who doesn’t love a good movie? Who doesn’t love paying seven bucks for a tub of popcorn coated in artificial butter topping that tastes more like salt water than butter? Or sitting through 20 minutes of commercials before the previews even start? Or sitting behind the middle-aged guy who smells like feet, talks to the screen, appears to be shedding his hair and is wearing a jogging suit despite the fact that he clearly does not jog.

The start of the summer movie season should be considered a national holiday, like St. Patrick’s Day or Festivus. But deciding which movie to go see can be a difficult and stressful decision. Discussions about “what movie should we see?” often degenerate into screaming arguments and then spiral into violent knife fights. And no one can enjoy the movie when somebody’s ears are bleeding.

Somebody should decide which movies are bad and which movies are terrible for the stupid masses as a public service. But do you really want to trust the opinions of typical movie critics? Those people are educated, don’t enjoy watching reality shows and don’t enjoy traveling to New York for the sole purpose of trying to be in the audience of Total Request Live. You people need someone with similar tastes, who is illiterate and oafish to give you movie advice.

That’s why I’m here. But instead of using a complicated system of judging movies (like thumbs up or thumbs down) I will rate each movie by describing which horrible act of torture I would rather endure than see it. This system is so simple, you’d think an idiot came up with it.

For those of you who read my columns on a regular basis and have the ability to remember things for more than a week (both of you) this might seem familiar to you. But don’t think this is just a humor columnist of a college newspaper rehashing a bad idea for a column he did back in February just because he ran out of ideas three weeks early. Oh wait, that’s exactly what this is. Sorry.

Bringing down the House
Steve Martin and Queen Latifah make audiences pray for the sweet release that only death or a broken movie projector can bring. It’s a hilarious fish-out-of-water comedy that somehow ruins Steve Martin’s career more than Sgt. Bilko did, proving to critics once and for all that he really can do worse. Hilarity ensues.
Rating: I would rather have funnels painfully shoved into my tear ducts and caustic soda poured in than watch this garbage.

Malibu’s Most Wanted
Jamie Kennedy portrays the wannabe-rapper son of a wealthy California politician in what surely was intended to be a hilarious fish-out-of-water comedy. Kennedy makes funny faces, speaks ebonics and is the butt of plenty of Vanilla Ice jokes.
In an attempt to appease the millions of people who couldn’t wait for Malibu’s Most Wanted to come out, this movie was rushed into theaters before anybody had a chance to add jokes to it. That’s probably why it’s so bad.
Rating: I would rather have my eyelids removed with gardening shears, be force fed three bottles of Nyquil and forced to watch a marathon of Step by Step than watch anything Jamie Kennedy is remotely involved with.

A Man Apart
Professional shaved ape Vin Diesel does lots of really cool stunts involving cool cars, motorcycles and really big guns. There’s also a character named Diablo, so you know it’s totally bad-ass.
Rating: I would rather have my face shredded on a cheese grater and citrus juice squeezed directly onto my painful scars than watch this movie.

What a Girl Wants
Amanda Bynes plays the stupid American who travels to England in this hilarious fish-out-of-water tragedy. Bynes poses with those Buckingham Palace guards with the fuzzy hats, eats boiled British food with absolutely no taste and dies of mad cow disease.
Rating: I would rather have hot glue poured into my anus with a turkey baster than watch this trash.

It Runs in the Family
Three generations of Douglases mock me with their very existence in this heart-warming comedy. Kirk Douglas, Kirk Douglas’s idiot son and Kirk Douglas’s idiot son’s idiot son all poorly act in this movie.
Rating: I would rather have a rather large rope shoved down my throat and pulled out my ass extremely hard so that the rope is taut, and be used as a buoy at a public swimming pool than watch this crap.

The Real Cancun
Loser college students become seriously depressed as they watch more attractive, more popular college students have fun partying in Cancun by getting alcohol poisoning and vomiting into each other’s hair.
Rating: I’d rather have my head run over by a party bus on its way to Mexico than watch this movie.

The Lizzie McGuire Movie
Since original ideas don’t exist anymore, and every single good idea ever created has already been ripped off, somebody decided to rip off a bad idea by making What a Girl Wants, except this time in Rome and with different actors. What the hell do you people care? It’s not like any of you are going to see this.
Rating: I’d rather be viciously beaten with an aluminum baseball bat than watch this delightful fish-out-of-water comedy.

Daddy Day Care
Eddie Murphy really, really needs some work, and if he doesn’t get some money soon he’ll be forced to shoot a convenience store clerk and steal a king’s ransom of scratch-off lottery tickets. If that happens, there’ll never be another Beverly Hills Cop movie! That’s why this movie exists.
Rating: Remember what Kathy Bates did to James Caan in Misery?

Rugrats Go Wild!
What sounds like a pedophile’s dream come true is actually a crossover between two Nickelodeon shows: The Rugrats and The Wild Thornberrys. This movie succeeds in boring thousands of parents of A.D.D.-afflicted brats to death, treating “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by the Clash as if it were a typical Baha Men song and giving Bruce Willis the part he was born to play: doing the voice of a dog.
Rating: I would rather watch Bringing Down the House than watch this filth. That’s right, you heard me.

And that’s my attempt to piss off anyone who would even consider reading my column by insulting movies someone might actually like, even though I have never seen any of these movies and I have absolutely no qualification for evaluating cinema.

The only qualification Roger Ebert has for critiquing movies is the fact that he co-wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls with Russ Meyer. So whom are you going to trust, someone who hangs out with Russ Meyer or me?

You people don’t want someone more intelligent than you telling you what to do and seeing the movies only makes the reviewer more intelligent