Who doesn’t love a good movie? People line up in droves and waste as much as three or four hours of their precious, fleeting lives to pay $9 for a ticket to a movie so horrendous it can only be described as "so bad, it disproves the existence of God."

Yet the average consumer is presented with the problem of deciding on which abomination to waste their money. After all, when a ticket and popcorn cost more than the average American makes during one day of work at their job washing dishes at The Olive Garden, you need to carefully select which movies you waste your time and money on.

This is why many movie critics offer movie reviews. It is a noble idea, however, it is one that does not work. Movie critics often use completely worthless systems of grading movies. Would you watch a movie based on how many stars Rex Reed gave it?

Or would you decide a movie is terrible because Roger Ebert gave it two thumbs down? What if that ugly guy who replaced Gene Siskel gave it two thumbs up? What are you going to do now? Who are you going to believe?

This insane method of reviewing movies is what I am trying to remedy in this column. I will now present a series of movies that are either recently released in theatres or will soon be released. Of course, I haven’t actually seen any of these movies, but that shouldn’t make a difference. I have this great talent where I can prejudge things. I call it my prejudice.

However, instead of thrusting an appendage up towards the heavens or down towards the depths of Hell, I will rate each movie by describing which incredibly painful method of torture I would rather have applied to me instead of watching said movie. If this doesn’t make any sense, it is because you are slow and incompetent and probably weak and stupid. It will all make sense in the end.

Maid in Manhattan
Jennifer Lopez plays an impoverished single mother who works at an upscale hotel in New York. By a twist of fate and mistaken identity, Lopez meets Ralph Fiennes, a handsome heir to a political dynasty, who believes that she is a guest at the hotel. Hilarity ensues.
Rating: I would rather have the backs of my knees slashed repeatedly with a serrated, rusty switchblade than watch this movie.

Darkness Falls
A vengeful spirit has taken the form of the Tooth Fairy to exact vengeance on the town that lynched her 150 years earlier. Her only opposition is the only child, now grown up, who has survived her before. Hilarity ensues. In what is sure to be sort of scary, the Tooth Fairy attempts to kidnap the younger brother of the childhood girlfriend of the only person to survive her for some reason. Because when I think of terror, I think of the tooth fairy.
Rating: I would rather be force fed my own feces than watch this movie.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Matthew McConaughey, star of the cinematic classic EdTV, makes a bet that he can stay in a relationship for more than 10 days. A journalist played not very well by Kate Hudson is out to write an article on how to lose a guy in 10 days and, ironically, ends up with him. Hilarity ensues.
Rating: I would rather have my eyeballs scooped out with a melon baller than watch this steaming pile of movie.

Final Destination 2
This movie is a sequel to a movie that also sucked. A.J. Cook ends up escaping the clutches of death, and saves others from the obviously evil Grim Reaper. But soon the survivors start dropping dead and Cook realizes you can’t cheat Death. Hilarity ensues.
Rating: I would rather have my arms crushed by a very slow moving steamroller than watch this garbage.

Biker Boyz
Laurence Fishburne’s career takes a massive step backward, the guy who used to be in those 7-Up commercials finds work and Kid Rock plays a character named "Dogg." Hilarity ensues. (Notice the title is spelled with a "z" instead of an "s." That is because it is extreme, except spelled x-treme).
Rating: I would rather be forced to work as an usher at Yakov Smirnoff’s theatre in Branson, Missouri than watch this movie.

A Guy Thing
When a not very funny man played by Jason Lee wakes up the morning after his bachelor party in bed with a strange woman who can’t act, played by Julia Stiles, he presumes he must have cheated on his fiancée, played by Selma Blair, another woman who can’t act. Guilt leads him to try to cover it up in the week before the wedding. Hilarity fails to ensue.
Rating: I would rather have my tongue eaten by werewolves as a blind man tries to knock an apple off my head with knives than watch this terrible mistake of a movie.

Kangaroo Jack
Satan, sitting in the fortress city of Dis atop Mount Sorrow, is perturbed that Jerry Bruckheimer beat him to the idea of a rapping kangaroo who steals Christopher Walken’s money from Jerry O’Connell. Misery ensues.
Rating: There aren’t sufficient words in the English language to describe what horrible things I would do to myself in order to avoid watching this movie.

And there you have it. Since my word should be interpreted as the absolute truth, every single one of these movies is a terrible waste of resources and, in some cases, human life.

If you ever do get the urge to see a movie, just go rent something good. Like Ishtar. Or Battlefield Earth. Or some porn.