Right now it seems real popular for the people who make movies to make movies based on old television shows and movies. I assume this is such a common thing because grave-robbing some of the worst shows from TV's past saves the trouble and hassle of coming up with an original idea. Plus, resurrecting characters and plots that audiences are familiar with saves the modern, on-the-go producer plenty of time by not requiring any time be spent on character development that wouldn't better be spent having Horatio Sanz slowly run down an exploding hallway or Cedric the Entertainer giving a shockingly thorough explanation to that kid from "Malcolm in the Middle" that the best type of "bling bling" is friendship.

Blockbuster films such as "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" or Tom Arnold's visionary masterpiece "McHale's Navy" were both based on television shows from the '60s and '70s. Somebody even made a movie about "M*A*S*H." And who could forget Mel Gibson's upcoming film, "The Passion of the Christ," which is about the Christ and what he was passionate about. It's based on some book written in the '70s.

But "Ocean's Eleven" was truly the most profitable movie based on something that somebody already did. This update of the 1960s Rat Pack movie had star power secreting out of every orifice. To get an idea of how awesome "Ocean's Eleven" Access Hollywood potential is, consider this: superstar actors Bernie Mac and Casey "Younger Brother of Ben" Affleck got only secondary billing in "Ocean's Eleven."

There must be some reason why "Ocean's Eleven," this spectacular gift of the gods masquerading as a movie, is so much better than the always threatening potential "Who's the Boss?" or "The Day After" blockbuster updated versions. There must be some reason why a movie about some famous singers who develop a master plan to rob five of the biggest casinos in Las Vegas in one night, only to see something go wrong after the whole thing is over, would be so much ridiculously better than the sequel to a movie based on a television series about a wealthy mystery-man who runs a detective agency and via a speaker-phone and through his personal assistant, Bosley, gives instructions to three beautiful women detectives so that they can end up in a variety of difficult situations.

Both of those plots are absolutely brilliant, and there is no reason at all why one of those premises should lead to any more of a star-studded, action-packed movie than the other.

This is where I figured out the secret to making successful movies based on old crappy TV series or old crappy movies. The updated "Ocean's Eleven" was so much better than the updated "Charlie's Angels" because the original "Ocean's Eleven" was made 16 years earlier than the original "Charlie's Angels."

Therefore, to make a truly brilliant film, all I have to do is update something that was made even longer than 44 years ago. And I have decided the next great American film based on a previous great film will be a movie based on that one type of Looney Toons cartoons.

You know the ones I mean, right? It's the ones with the big bulldog who wears a sweater with a "Y" on it and a bowler-style hat, smoking a cigar and strutting around the dilapidated alley like he owns the place while a tiny, yipping dog circles him nonstop, squeaking out, "Hey Ralph! Hey Ralph! Whasamattah Ralph? Gonna kill a cat, Ralph? Gonna kill a cat, Ralph? Hey Ralph!" This dog is silenced when the bulldog, who apparently went to Yale or something, rears back his mighty paw, belches out "Awwwwww, shuddap!" and smacks the tiny dog into a coma.

Then the bulldog, or Ralph, as he is apparently known as, decides to prove himself to the little yappy dog by vowing to savagely murder a cute little kitten. Although in certain versions of this storyline, it was Sylvester, the lisping cat, taking the place of the kitten for some reason.

At this time it is important to note that a ferocious tiger has earlier escaped amid a montage of cages breaking and large, muscular zoo keepers with nets running down a street screaming "A ferocious tiger's escaped!" whereupon it is revealed that the lead story in the Cityvilletown Times is "Man-Eating Tiger Escapes from Zoo: Killing Spree Expected." This tiger somehow wanders into the general area that this bulldog calls his stomping ground, which includes a garbage can-lined alley, an abandoned lot and a construction site with girders being swung by cranes.

You still with me? Now when Ralph, the bulldog with the "Y" sweater, goes to tear the kitten (or Sylvester) asunder, he tells the little yipping dog "Now see here: turn yer head you ain't gonna wanna see these here atrocimities I'se about ta commit." Now the escaped tiger gets right in front of the kitten (or Sylvester) and stares Ralph down, usually swiping with his mighty paw so that Ralph is sliced horizontally into several neat pieces, and then disappears so that when the yipping dog turns and looks at the situation, it appears that big, tough Ralph was thrashed by a tiny kitten (or Sylvester).

This continues for some time with the little yipping dog (usually named Rutiger or something like that) losing confidence in Ralph each time it appears Ralph is violently torn apart by a kitten (or Sylvester). Eventually Ralph goes insane, and at the end of the cartoon Rutiger is wearing the bowler and strutting around like he owns the place, while the bulldog wearing the sweater with the "Y" on it runs around him, squeaking out "Hey boss! Hey Rutiger! We gonna get a cat, boss? What we gonna do, boss? Hey Rutiger!" and is chastised when Rutiger cracks him in the face with a "Awwwww, shuddap!"

You know the one I'm talking about, right? This would make the best freaking movie in the history of time. And who else could be better fitted to play the lead role of Ralph, the bulldog wearing the sweater with a "Y" on it, than Danny DeVito, international superstar and thespian, who was shined in movies such as "Johnny Dangerously."

Rutiger, the small, yipping dog, will be portrayed by that brat from "The Sixth Sense" and "A.I." Sylvester the cat will be played by Mike Meyers with patches of carpet hot-glued to his face. The ferocious tiger that eviscerates Ralph the bulldog numerous times will be updated (updated to the "x-treme," in fact) into a computer-animated zombie-robot monster.

This movie is going to rule. We'll add on a special celebrity cameo by Mark Hamill, and we'll have Elton John do a song telling kids not to judge things by what they look like on the outside that will be sung in the movie by a cartoon mouse voiced by Tom Arnold. We'll even have a hilarious spoof of those Verizon "Can you hear me now?" commercials and a truly brilliant and unique parody of those MasterCard commercials that list a bunch of stuff and how much it costs and then lists an intangible emotion and gives its price as "priceless."

Man, making good movies is easy. I don't see why people can't win those movie awards more easily.