If you read last week’s letters to the editor, you might have noticed that we here at the Advance-Titan were lucky enough to get a letter from the smartest person who has ever lived. This genius believes that we need to run more editorials about things he cares about, and since his genius is beyond all rational human comprehension, he also believes that I need to write about more important, earth-shattering issues.

That’s right. The editor of the LighterSide needs to write about more relevant issues, such as North Korea or weapons of mass destruction. Let me reiterate that for you, since I’m sure your puny, non-genius brains are probably short-circuiting in a vain attempt to keep up with the smartest human who has ever lived’s thought process: The editor of a page dedicated entirely to humor, a page featuring cartoons and gripes about poop, needs to write about more pertinent and pressing issues.

Since I am completely humbled by this mental giant, I have decided to dedicate this column to him. I just can’t argue against such stunning logic. I only hope that this great man, a man whose intelligence makes him a god among men, will find this column about how much I hate a certain kind of ladybug to be acceptable.

As you most likely have noticed, ladybugs have gone insane. Actually, it’s just one type of a ladybug, the Harmonia axyridis, or Asian beetle. It is also known as the Halloween lady beetle, Japanese lady beetle and Asian lady beetle. Or, as I call it: “ladybug that thinks it can eat your face and sees no harm in trying.” These Asian beetles usually look just like regular ladybugs, except sometimes they’re orange, and sometimes they have no spots. Also, they bite. According my pitiful research, “they can pinch the skin and cause minor, short-lived discomfort.”

Granted, it doesn’t actually hurt when they bite, but it’s a shock to be bitten by what I have no reason to believe is not a ladybug. On my list of things I’m afraid will bite me, ladybugs usually aren’t all that high up.

In fact, I probably think there’s a better chance of me being bitten by a flower than by a ladybug.

That preconception quickly changed, however, when I could no longer spend three minutes outside without orange, spotless ladybugs mistaking my eyes for aphids and mosquito larvae.

The Asian beetles arrived in the United States in the 60s, when the Department of Agriculture released them for biological control of pecan aphids. In 1988, they were found in Louisiana as a result of an accidental introduction from a freighter in New Orleans.

And since then, this country has gone to hell. The Asian beetles have spread throughout the entire southern and eastern United States and have reached as far north as, well, us.

Despite their clearly psychotic tendencies, the Asian beetles aren’t all bad. Because their diet is primarily composed of aphids and other soft-bodied insects, they help to keep their populations down. Although I don’t know about anyone else, I can’t say I’ve ever complained about aphids once in my life, even before I knew about these strange and mysterious ladybugs from the east.

And that’s really saying a lot too, because complaining is really the only thing that I ever do.

And don’t think that winter will mean you won’t ever have to say, “Ouch! That ladybug bit me!” again, because guess where most Asian beetles spend the winter? In your house.

That’s right, when it starts to get cold outside, Asian beetles begin living on the west and south sides of tall or prominent, light-colored buildings. And when it gets even colder, they crawl under siding and roofing and into cracks and gaps in foundations and around windows, doors and other openings. So while you’re sleeping, ladybugs that can and will bite you are living in your walls, plotting against you.

But don’t worry, it’s not all bad. Oh wait, yeah it is. Sorry.