In case you haven’t been keeping up with the latest news about American’s favorite daytime game shows, then you are missing something truly special. Ken Jennings, a computer software engineer from Utah, has won nearly $2.5 million on "Jeopardy!" and has yet to even come close to losing.

And frankly, I don’t trust him at all. I think Ken Jennings is up to something.

Jennings has been winning for so long that when he started his winning streak Jay Leno was still making jokes about Howard Dean screaming (not that he isn't still doing that; I mean when he first started telling those jokes). He has won so much money that even after the IRS collects its fair share of the winnings for all the great help they gave him, Jennings will still have enough loot to purchase his own personal Rocky Rococo’s franchise and hire a full-time staff.

But my beef with Jennings goes far beyond all the money he has that I want. Every time I watch that smug little dork obliterate an elementary school teacher from Peoria, Ill. and an unemployed proofreader from Hialeah, Fla. by more than $40,000, I think to myself that he needs to be stopped, and it will probably require the government.

And this time my irrational paranoia isn’t completely unfounded; I have proof!

The first suspicious thing about Jennings’s winning streak is the show he is doing it on. Seriously, nobody wins that much on "Jeopardy!". This is because the questions are way too easy. I think we can all agree that even a total moron knows that Tashkent, Uzbekistan is the largest city in Central Asia or that the poem "The Sick King in Bokhara" appeared in Matthew Arnold’s 1849 collection "The Strayed Reveller, and Other Poems." Duh! Obviously.

So then since pretty much every single contestant on the show knows the answers to all the questions, because why would they apply to be on the show if they didn’t, it is safe to assume that the only necessary talents for winning on “Jeopardy!” are pushing a button and blurting something out.

"Jeopardy!" is not a game based entirely on intelligence and guile, like "Wheel of Fortune," which requires a total mastery of the English language (also spinning that big wheel and getting it to land on the good spaces requires complete comprehension of Euclidian geometry. You think they’d just spin it as hard as they can and leave it up to luck?).

But since winning on "Jeopardy!" requires no discernable skill, it is highly suspicious that Jennings has continued to win as long as he has. It’s unlikely that he is both the greatest button pusher and answer blurter in the entire country. He must be cheating!

His streak is like somebody who rolls two die 100 times and gets seven all 100 times, and then the casino security roughs him up and throws him out because they assume he’s cheating even if they have no proof, and then they refuse to pay for my glasses they broke while roughing me up and never even brought me my free drink.

Now I’m not saying Jennings is cheating, even though everybody knows he is. I’m just saying that there’s something unnatural about him winning all the time. He might not actually be cheating.

Maybe he’s just a puppet of the show’s producers, being fed all the answers in an attempt to generate interest in a show whose sole advertisers are motorized scooter companies and geriatric healthcare products and is being crushed in the ratings by Dr. Phil’s show.

Or maybe he’s a robot, and I think we can all agree that if there’s one ethnic group that it pays to be prejudiced against, it’s robots. And bears. So even if he isn’t cheating, he’s still up to no good.

Even if Jennings isn’t cheating, a puppet or a robot there’s still just cause to be highly suspicious of him. For starters, he’s a Mormon, which is easily the most untrustworthy religion ever, aside from Scientology.

"Oh, don’t make fun of the Mormons," you’re probably saying. "What did they ever do to you?" Well, I don’t trust the Mormons, and I think they’re up to something! Someone of the ignorant persuasion might take that as an explanation to why I don’t trust Jennings and I think he’s up to something, but really it’s just a coincidence.

Everybody knows that all Mormons are required by the Mormon Jesus to be polygamists, which means they are forced to marry several wives. And that rule is not restricted to the men. And if you aren’t yet pissed at Jennings, then you probably will be once you find out that he plans to give a tithe of 10 percent of his winnings to the Mormon Church.

As a small side note, the Mormon Jesus looks just like regular Jesus except he has a crew cut and he’s always wearing a short-sleeved white shirt with a black tie. Also he likes board games.

So Jennings will be giving part of his winnings to his religion, probably as a fee for letting him have so many wives without damning him to Hell. Jennings is like a pimp paying bribe money to a corrupt police department to ensure that they leave his whorehouse alone. Is this the kind of person you want representing you as "Jeopardy!" grand champion?

Also, if that’s not bad enough, he plans to donate money to public television and National Public Radio. If that doesn’t make your blood boil, then I’m assuming you eat babies, you monster.