Hey do you remember the February 16 issue of the Advance-Titan? Of course you do. You have every page of every issue taped to the ceiling above your bed, and you’ve drawn hearts around all the cartoon renderings of what I would look like as an Asian duck that proceed my column every week. This is because I am irresistible.

Since I’m sure you’ve committed last week’s issue of the A-T to memory, you obviously remember the rather large front-page photo illustration created by the esteemed Dan Krueger to accompany the story titled "Confidential file leaked to Internet."

The article, written by the esteemed Jake Phillips, revealed that for almost two months last semester a file was available on the Internet with the Social Security Numbers of all UW Oshkosh employees.

To portray this issue as a potential opportunity for identity theft, we took a picture of someone in a dark room sneakily looking at computer monitor displaying a Social Security Card (the guy in the picture was the esteemed Mike Dewar, who was used because he more than anybody else at the A-T looks like an extra from "The Matrix").

But aside from Jake, Dan and Mike there was another person involved in the creation of this dandy photo illustration: The esteemed me. You see, that Social Security Card on the front page of the A-T last week was mine.

I wasn’t exactly jumping at the opportunity to show the world exactly what my Social Security looks like. I mean I know I’m not exactly a bright guy; I’d probably urinate on an electrical outlet if somebody told me that I might not die from doing it. But even I know it’s probably not a good idea to go around showing everybody I can what my Social Security Card looks like.

The reason my card was used was because my Social Security Card is in pretty good shape. It looks new aside from being slightly faded from going through the washing machine once and being slightly singed along the sides from going through the dryer once.

At least I think that’s why it’s singed, I mean it would make sense if I’m assuming it went through the washing machine. I don’t really remember using my Social Security Card to light any cigars, although I could see where that would be a good idea.

We didn’t just put a Social Security Card in the paper though. We screwed with it in Photoshop. We switched the numbers around, smudged the numbers and then blurred the numbers. But it doesn’t take a lot of straining to see my name and my awful-ass signature on the front page of the paper last week.

It is because of retarded crap I do like this that makes me pretty sure that I’m going to have my identity stolen, assuming it hasn’t already been stolen and I just haven’t ran into the Bizarro Chris Becker who is bandying about town collecting government cheese that rightfully belongs to me.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m pretty paranoid about the actual issue surrounding the article to which my Social Security Card accompanied. Since I am in the employ of the university, theoretically my Social Security Number was readily available to anybody browsing the Internet wearing a black eye mask and a black-and-white horizontally stripped shirt.

But if the Hamburglar gets my Social Security Number that way, I could live with it. At least it wouldn’t be my fault. But if I get my identity stolen because I put my Social Security Card on the front page of an 8,000-copy circulation newspaper, not only do I lose my identity but my new identity would be a complete moron.

And it’s not just that I’m dumb enough to put my Social Security Card on the front page of a newspaper. Sooner or later I’m going to do something extremely stupid and get my identity stolen, and it’s not going to be anybody’s fault but my own.

For example, I both have my Social Security Number memorized and I have been known to talk in my sleep. That is a terrible combination. What’s to stop me from, oh I don’t know, falling asleep while riding a bus or a plane or something one day and having a dream where a giant spider wearing a sombrero is dragging my parents through an MC Escher painting, and the only way I can save them is to scream my Social Security and credit card numbers?

Or, since that’s completely insane, what if I get tricked by one of the many persuasive Spam e-mails I get? Sure I’m not fooled by most of them, but you know some of those urgent pleas from refugee Nigerian princes asking for my savings account number so they can, for some completely psychotic reason, deposit $18 million worth of gold from the Congo or whatever into it seem awfully tempting.

So because of my affinity for sweet, sweet Congo gold, I have resigned myself to the fact that there is nothing I can do to prevent my identity from getting stolen. So, instead of denying this obviously undeniable fact, I have decided to embrace it.

Instead of trying to protect my identity, I am going to hock my identity to whoever will give me the most for it. For the right price I will give my Social Security Number, credit card numbers, birth certificate, driver’s license, bank account numbers and Subway Sub Club card with two stamps on it (only six stamps away from a free sub) to anybody who thinks they can get some use out of any of that information. I know I’m sure as hell not getting any benefit from that stuff.

Sure there will be some downsides to auctioning off all my personal information. It would seem like an awful waste to not be able to use the Social Security Number I’ve spent my entire life memorizing.

But it’s not like my identity is so great that I’ll be suffering if I pawn it off. Contrary to all the lies I like to tell about me being a time-traveling lion tamer with a swank undersea bachelor pad, my life is actually quite boring. You might be asking why anybody would want to have their identity stolen, but at the same time I ask why anybody would want to steal the identity of somebody whose life consists of one crushing, debilitating disappointment after another.

You think you’re going to use my identity to get a whole mess of credit cards? Yeah well good luck with that once the credit card company finds out that I spent $9,000 I don’t have to buy a massive car stereo that takes up the entire backseat and is in the shape of Big Foot’s skull (the eyes of the skull are the speakers). And I don’t even have a car, so try explaining that to the bank!